Bless These Fools
by Sammo909
Summary: Everyone dies eventually, I knew this. But as I stood before this Goddess offering me a second chance in a world of magic I could only think how lucky I was. Shame my teammates are all idiots.
1. Chapter 1

"Johnathan Kilroy." 

I didn't remember closing my eyes. Or opening them as a matter of fact, but after I heard the voice I was able to see again. I found myself sitting in a simple wooden chair in a moderate sized 'room', for lack of a better term. Though there was no discernible source of light I could see the floor was black and white marble arranged like a chessboard but in comparison the walls were something otherworldly. It was as though someone had taken the night sky and turned it into a sheet to hang from every wall, it gave a feeling of immense vastness like standing on a mountaintop on a cloudless night. I looked upwards to see the same, taking off the akubra I had borrowed from my father as I did so and hanging it from the back of the chair. 

It was breathtaking, awe-inspiring. So why did I feel such a sense of detachment? Before I could ponder this the voice spoke again. "Welcome to the afterlife." The speaker was a young woman. She had appeared out of the blackness, unconcerned with the strangeness of this place and sashayed her way past me to sit in the chair opposite mine, somehow I had failed to notice it - it was made of pale wood with a velvet cushion, high-backed like something owned by the wealthy yet humble. She sat herself down in the chair like a fledgling Empress - youthful arrogance tempered with oft repeated lessons on poise and decorum. She possessed European features with creamy white skin yet her hair was a soft blue the same shade as her eyes, impossibly it looked natural. 

"Moments ago, you died. Your life was short yet you conducted yourself with compassion and nobility, even to the end." That was rather generous, I considered myself pretty lazy much of the time. Her voice was soft and soothing with an undercurrent of beaurecratic sternness, I couldn't help but feel she had given this speech many times before. 

To the end... What had I been doing? 

It was Sunday, I had decided to go to the swap-meet in Cessnock. I wasn't looking for anything in particular but I had bought a couple bits and pieces. Some biscuits, wool socks, a rotary beater, a shanghai and some coveralls - I wanted to make a Vault-suit for a con and had found a cheap one in my size. I had been wandering around for a couple hours already and had just grabbed a soft serve from the Mr. Whippy van parked near the old tower when I heard the foreboding groan of failing metal. 

So that was what happened. I had been enjoying a day out when I was crushed to death by a rusty old structure that hadn't been used in decades. I could picture it clearly - the morning sun chasing away the winter chill, the dry grass and the old racetrack covered in hoofprints, the smell of sausages with onion from the canteen, the children with their toys... the girl with the pinwheel. I realised there was something I had to ask. 

"Is the kid okay?" The woman smiled and I felt the deepest relief come over me. "Yes, the child will end her day with nothing but a few tears because of you." That was a relief, I can't imagine anything worse than trying to save someone and only succeeding in getting the two of you killed. But I couldn't help but notice something off, the corners of the goddess' mouth twitched like she was holding something back, it was subtle but definitely there. If I didn't know better I'd say she was trying not to laugh. Curiosity may have killed the cat but since I was already dead I had little to lose. "What is it?" 

She tried to school her features into an air of calm superiority but failed. "I don't know what you are talking about." I crossed my arms over my chest and cocked an eyebrow, making sure my tone was skeptic without being accusatory - who knows how quick to anger this apparent Goddess might be. "So you're holding back the giggles over something completely unrelated?" She managed another three seconds before the reason behind her good mood was revealed. 

"Well," She drew out the word, milking it to her satisfaction. "The girl is fine." Good, but that's not what I asked. "And you would have been as well if your foot hadn't slipped." That sounded familiar. In fact, now that she said it I remember clearly. I was looking directly at the tower when it started to fall, it should have been simple enough to push the kid out of the way, move several steps or even pick her up and take a leap sideways. However when I moved I remember my foot coming down and suddenly losing traction, I lost my momentum and only had enough time to reach out and push them away. Why had that happened? 

"You stepped in pile of dog poo." 

Oh... Well, that wasn't the high note I wanted to go out on. 

On the plus side at least I had managed to make someone laugh. Said someone being a goddess, so extra points. I tried to keep my appearance stoic for as long as I could but eventually gave in. "So you're saying I was betrayed by my best friend?" She stared at me with wide eyes full of disbelief, both hands coming up to cover her mouth and hold in the laughter that despite her best efforts escaped with a porcine note. Yes, I made a goddess snort in laughter, what have you done today? 

"Holy crap, can you imagine the headlines?" Pun fully intended. "Number one story spoiled by number two." The giggles returned with a vengeance. "Man vs. Manure." A dainty hand slapped the arm of her chair. "Good deed undone by dog doo." I had to take a break, any more and she was likely to wet herself. 

Eventually the sound of laughter tapered off, the Goddess wiping at her eyes before she recovered enough to speak. "I must say, you're taking this much better than most." I chuckled before shrugging. "You know what they say, shit happens." That pushed the goddess into another bout of giggles while I tried to maintain control of myself, it was so much harder to keep a straight face when someone else was letting loose. She took a moment to adjust herself, smoothing down her outfit - a rather anime-esque getup consisting of blue and white with bare shoulders, knee-high socks and a pleated skirt that flared outwards in a way that on Earth would require a wire underframe. A slender finger wiped at her eyes where a few tears had begun to gather. "Oh thank you, I needed that." When she spoke now the aloofness was absent from her voice, I'd go so far as to say she sounded rather friendly. "My name is Aqua, I am the goddess who guides the souls of those who die young into the afterlife." I had assumed most of that already, but it was good to have a name to go to the face. A goddess of water, not what I expected from death but if that's the way it is. 

Now we came to the heart of the matter. "You have two choices: you may start from square one with a new life," Fair enough, I imagine for a lot of people tabula rasa would be a welcome change. "Or you can go to heaven and carry on like an old man." She didn't mean watch tele, do the gardening and shout at kids, I hope. She leaned forward and placed a hand next to her mouth like she was about to impart some great secret. "The truth is, heaven isn't everything you think it is." If it turned out heaven was spending an eternity sitting on a cloud while angels play harps then I would take reincarnation in a heartbeat. 

Aqua pitched her voice low, just in case there were other gods listening in. "There's no books or television or any kind of entertainment, you don't actually have a physical body so you can't do anything fun either." I decided that the way her voice changed on the word 'fun' was purely my imagination. "There's nothing to do but bask in the sun for all eternity." And how exactly would one bask in the sun without a body to absorb the sun's rays anyway. Clearly this conversation was leading to something but I couldn't be sure of what. "Well, that sounds boring as hell. No offense." When she smiled at my words I could tell that this was exactly what she wanted to hear. 

The goddess leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs, bouncing one foot idly. "So, do you like videogames?" The non-sequitor caught me off guard, I nodded. "Yeah, if you've been watching my life you know that already." If she asks if I wanted to be reincarnated as one of my favourite characters I may kiss this goddess. 

"Well, there does happen to be a third option." 

* * *

"Could you hurry up a little? Other souls need to be sent along, you know." 

The admonishment was delivered around a mouthful of chips, which she hadn't even bothered to share, rude girl. Did she honestly think choosing a perk was something so simple? There was a lot to consider. A weapon or powerful item would be an instant boost to allow power levelling for beginners but would likely be equalled or surpassed at high levels and of course an item can always be lost, stolen or destroyed. Loot goblins, thief characters - no, best to stick to abilities. 

Some of these were potentially useful, others were too precise to be useful in varied situations and some were straight-out plagiarism. The one I was examining at the moment read: _'Joyvah Armour: grants the blessee a suit of self-repairing armour that can be summoned by speaking the word 'Joyvah'. Increases the character's physical stats tenfold and grants increased healing as well as carrying several onboard weapons. Created by Hephaestus.'_ That one went in the 'maybe' pile. 

A world of heroes, magic and monsters - it sounded like a dream come true. A world that obeyed video game rules, where defeating monsters and completing quests rewarded experience points that allowed you to 'level up' which improved your own abilities, allowing one to accomplish feats impossible in a world of science and logic. Not only would I be sent there but I would be granted a 'blessing of the gods' of my choice, this decision must not be taken lightly. 

A memory struck me of playing Suikoden with a game shark, we were using a cheat that quadrupled the amount of experience rewarded. "Are there any skills that increase your rate of growth?" Aqua was now lying lengthways across her chair, legs dangling over one arm and head over the other, throwing caramel popcorn into her mouth, she chewed noisily and swallowed before answering. "No, the asian kids always grab those ones as quick as they come." Well, bugger. 

Though that did give me pause. "How many people have you sent over already?" The goddess waved a hand dismissively, "Oh you know, a few thousand." And none of them had beaten the Demon King? How many were even still alive? A daunting thought occurred and with the earnest hope that I was jumping to conclusions I asked my next question. "And what happens to the weapons those people took when they die, do they disappear or lose power?" She was beginning to look impatient now, either that or her spine was starting to hurt. "Only the gifted ones can use the items granted by the Gods, for anyone else they're worthless." Okay, good, at least they're not stupid enough to be arming their enemies like certain political and economic superpowers. Unless the Demon King can brainwash or enslave the bearers, a world of magic would likely have that ability. I told myself to stop getting worked up and shook my head, continuing the search. 

The next one gave the user unparalleled control over fire as well as a body made of the same. The upside was invulnerability to ordinary weapons, the downside was vulnerability to water or lack of air. Straight to the 'no' pile. 

"Okay, if you don't pick a blessing in five minutes I'm sending you anyway." Any patience or respect I had for this so-called goddess quickly dried up. For God's sake! I'd literally died, been brought to this purgatory and told I was needed to fight in a war against some demon king I'd never bloody heard of and now this brat was complaining that I took half an hour to choose something that would decide whether I had the strength to carry out my divine mission?! I'd like to see her in my shoes. 

The next seven pages had their opening paragraphs skimmed and were set aside quickly. _'Laser eyes'_ \- no. _'Unlimited Inventory'_ \- no, _'Fighter's Spirit'_ \- maybe, _'Weapon Mastery'_ \- maybe, _'Status Immunity'_ \- no, _'Argonaut'_ \- no, _'Chi Master'_ \- maybe, _'Danger Sense' -_ n-wait a moment. I replayed that last one while my body paused with the page halfway to the 'no' pile. Drawing back the sheet of vellum I read it again with greater attention. 

_'Danger Sense: confers upon the blessee the sixth* sense, able to detect anything that poses a direct threat to their person including: hostile beings or creatures, physical/magic attacks, traps, environmental hazards and stray projectiles. At first the blessee will only feel a vague sensation of 'danger', with time they will be able to identify the nature and direction said threat and once mastered the possessor can perceive their entire surroundings instantly and may even be able to recognise threats before his/her attacker has fully decided how to act. Also grants enhanced reflexes._

 _*Note: Current medical science is divided on how many senses humans actually possess. Conventional wisdom says five however some neurologists list as many as twenty-one._

 _This blessing has been crafted by the God Anansi, any resemblance to any ability in real life or fiction is purely coincidental and I'm a God so what I say goes, got it?_

It appears that the Greeks were right, Gods really are human and petty creatures. Regardless, that sounded ridiculously useful. And twenty-one, really? I stood, collected my hat and put it back where it belonged then adjusted it to sit comfortably. "Goddess Aqua? I've made my decision." 

"Finally!" I made my way to her chair and handed over the ability I had chosen, Aqua licked the evidence of her snacking from her fingers before taking the sheet and poring over it with an impatient gaze. "'Danger Sense'? Sounds like something a coward would come up with." I raised an eyebrow, should she really be talking about other Gods like that? The sheet burst into light in her grip, bright enough that I had to squint and cover my eyes as it flowed upwards, I peered through parted fingers as it swung back down and flew straight into my chest. I felt a slightly warm tingle and then nothing. "So, that's it?" 

Instead of an answer I was startled as a runic circle appeared beneath my feet, reflexively I tried to step away but found I couldn't escape the inner ring. "Don't move, you'll only throw the spell off." My head flicked back and forth as I tried to examine the spell but obviously I was way out of my depth, I could recognise some of the markings as Norse runes but knew nothing of their meanings. 

"Hang on, what about money or basic supplies, don't I get anything like that?" The circle under me faded as the Goddess' face grew red with embarrassment. "Heh, whoops. Almost forgot about that." She clicked her fingers and I bowed slightly as I felt a weight settle on my back, I looked over my shoulder to see the same backpack I had been wearing when I died. Shrugging a shoulder free I swung it around and opened the rear zipper, rather than a collection of medieval goods - sheepskin, woolen cloak, dried meat, flint and steel or even a simple dagger I instead found it contained the exact same items it did an hour ago. I resealed the bag and swung it back on. 

"Thanks, but won't I stand out like this?" I asked as I plucked at my green t-shirt bearing the legend 'M*A*S*H 4077th'. Between that, the backpack and my cargo pants I was sure to stick out like a sore thumb in a medieval world. Unless it was one of those ones where magic exists alongside technology in a modern or futuristic setting like the Final Fantasy series. "It's not a problem." She dismissed my concerns casually. "You will be sent to the town of beginners, they're used to people turning up in weird outfits." Fair enough, if they really have sent thousands ahead of me then what difference would one more foreigner make. 

"Well, thanks for the help. I guess I'll see you next time I die?" The Goddess nodded, once again carrying herself like a queen before a servant. "I wish you luck brave adventurer and pray that you will be the one to defeat the Demon King." And we're back to the rehearsed lines. I closed my eyes in preparation for the journey, taking in a deep breath which was held to the count of three then slowly released. "Could you pray I don't step in anything? That'd be appreciated." I heard a giggle in response which was cut off by a squawk of shock. I opened my eyes to see an identical magic circle had appeared underneath the Goddess. "W-What's going on!?" Aqua was even more shocked than I was, with voice pitched high in confusion she hammered her fists against the invisible barrier that kept her inside the array, "Hey! Hey, let me out!" 

A voice from the void answered her, the newcomer spoke with all the weight of her compassion. "Forgive us Goddess Aqua, but the pantheon has come to a decision." Out of the starscape emerged another woman, this one borne down on wings of brightest white that sparkled with a purity that nothing in nature could hope to match. She clasped her hands together as if in prayer as she talked, her apologetic voice doing little to calm the blue-haired Goddess. "For the sin of excessive pride, as well as insulting the other Gods and belittling the blessed, it has been decided that you shall be sent alongside this young hero until such time as the Demon King is defeated." She held a hand out towards me, the simple act somehow making Earth's most famous actresses and models appear like clumsy children. So this is what a true Goddess is like. 

Aqua's voice had turned shrill in panicked desperation. "You can't do this! This has to be a joke! What about Dionysus? Donny has my back, right?" The angelic figure gently shook her head in regret, hair the colour of rich cream and tips of rose petals swaying back and forth with the graceful motion. She turned to me, "Please protect this one, adventurer. We leave her in your care." I found myself giving a single nod, unable to do otherwise even as Aqua screamed for mercy, begged to not be sent away. "Then I send you on your path, may fortune favour you both." As the light grew blinding the last thing I heard was Aqua's cries. 

When the light faded I found myself overlooking a lush field edged with woods and broken by a well worn dirt road, in a fantasy world that probably classed as a highway. Following the track with my eyes I turned and saw a massive stone wall a short walk away, this must be the town of beginners the Goddess had mentioned. 

Speaking of whom, said Goddess hadn't made a sound since we got here. "Hey, are you okay?" She made no response. "We'd better get moving, I don't want to know what kind of things come out at night around here." I took three steps before I heard a high-pitched sob from behind, the formerly cavalier deity had her arms around her waist, clutching herself in shock and despair. "H-how could they?" Her voice was broken, disbelieving. The goddess' hands came up to grip the sides of her head and she let out such a wail that my sister's tantrums looked like the a mewling kitten in comparison. 

I wasn't very experienced in comforting a crying woman but though feeling completely inadequate I placed my hand on her shoulder, in response she grabbed my shirt in her slender hands and began shaking me while screaming unintelligibly. Aqua was an awful lot stronger than she looked, considering her nature that was to be expected. Eventually she ran out of breath and just stood there panting, I placed my hands over her own. "There's nothing I can really say to help right now but we need to start moving, okay?" She hiccuped and nodded but made no effort to move, I took one of her hands in mine and after a moment of slack resistance began leading her to the town gates. 

From the side we approached it appeared that the entrance was unguarded, as we reached the gates themselves we saw that the guards were merely standing out of sight in the shade. I was half expecting a toll to be demanded but they just waved us through, inside was exactly what I thought a fantasy town would look like. Stone buildings, red tiled rooves, a chimney in every house, the windows made of glass surprisingly, but that was nothing compared to the people. Men and women in colourful and often quite revealing armour, weapons that should have taken two strong men to lift wielded by people no larger than me, Elves - real Elves! And Cat-People! I had truly died and gone to nerd heaven. 

Aqua had been following docilely but surrounded by people she regained some of her liveliness, pulling her hand pulled out of my grip to adjust herself, smoothing down the mess her hair had become after she tore her fingers through it in panic earlier. I waited until she felt presentable again before I asked my question. "So, is there some kind of trainer or guild master we need to see?" There was, unfortunately the location of the Adventurer's Guild was apparently too trivial for a Goddess like Aqua to be concerned with so I had to find it myself. 

I must have been too out of sorts to ask earlier, but obviously my money would be next to useless here, how was I supposed to buy anything, or even register as an adventurer? "Do we have any money?" Aqua nodded, "In your middle pocket, I'm not so foolish as to forget that." I neglected to mention that I had actually needed to remind her about starting equipment and shrugged out of my backpack to find it. She was right, nestled in between a bundle of blue cloth and a plastic tub full of choc-chip biscuits was a leather pouch I had never seen before that jingled with a metallic tone. It seems I owed this goddess an apology. 

A few steps down the road Aqua spoke again. "Oh yeah, you're one of those prepper weirdos so you've got everything we might need, right?" I didn't know whether to be offended or impressed by how wrong she was, so I just gave her an unimpressed look over my shoulder as I kept walking. "Keeping a change of clothes and a blanket in your car does not a prepper make." She gave me a flat, disbelieving look. "And what do you have in here?" She asked, with a pointed look at my former schoolbag. I shrugged, feeling the weight shift against me. "Stuff I bought plus the usual." Of course she wasn't willing to leave it at that, I took a deep breath. "Blanket, water bottles, change of clothes, snacks, pocket knife, duct tape, emergency blanket, playing cards, matches, lighter, torch, mess tool, nail clippers, towel and whistle." Smugness radiated from the Goddess. 

"Normally." She made a noise of confusion. "Normally I'd have all that stuff in there, but since I was at a swap-meet I had to make space." The stone road wasn't very busy, whether that was normal for this time of day or not I couldn't say. "So what do you have?" I angled off to a sun-darkened man in rough woolen clothes standing at an old wooden cart loaded with fruits. "One water bottle and the small stuff." The larger items had been dumped into the car with the tarp, first aid kit, toilet paper and other sundries. 

"Good morning." I greeted the owner with a nod and he smiled gregariously. "Good morning, care for some fresh fruits? Just picked them." I grinned and began browsing his wares, "That's why I'm here." I picked up a small apple, almost as brown as it was red but the noise it made when tapped told how crisp it was. "Just got to town, I'll bet." I sighed and put the fruit down. "That obvious?" He laughed, "Some days I swear I see more people asking for directions than food." I chuckled, deciding I liked this bloke. "Well in that case I'll take five apples and directions to the Adventurer's Guild please." After an exchange of coins and with the barely noticeable weight in my pack and a friendly wave we were on our way, I jerked my head in the direction we should go and spoke to Aqua. "Come on, the Demon King isn't gonna defeat himself." 

The Adventurer's Guild was a large, two-storey building made of the same stone as the rest of the town, but the flag bearing its sigil set it apart from the surroundings. That and the raucous noise coming from inside, I would bet gold to copper that there was a tavern in there as well. The sound of breaking crockery made Aqua jump in apprehension but she followed me in all the same. Inside we were greeted by a fair haired woman wearing what was obviously a servant uniform seeing as there were three more identically dressed young women carrying plates of food and mugs of what had to be alcohol. With a quick welcome and instructions to take any available seat if we were hungry or head to the counter for work she pranced off, not spilling a drop from the four foaming steins in her hands. 

I took a moment to savour the experience of stepping into a fantasy world when a musclebound man sitting on his own spoke to us with a gruff tone, he was half a head taller than myself not including the mohawk and barechested with heavy armour on his shoulders and forearms. "Hey, you two are new aren't you." Aqua took one look at his stern expression and hid behind me. "And what the hell does that mean?" He pointed at the logo on my chest, maybe I should have turned my shirt inside out. 

I placed a hand on the writing and spoke solemnly. "In the forest near my home there were some ruins, researchers came from the capital and claimed that they were from a culture that came before us, this symbol was found etched into the largest building." The lie came easily, I wondered whether charisma was a usable stat in this world and what mine would be. "We were told that the building belonged to a healer's guild and that this was one of their many outposts. It became popular for the townspeople to wear it, something like a homage and source of pride." He placed his drink on the table. "A healer's guild? Never heard of such a thing." He spoke dubiously, I smiled. "Neither had we but it's true, at least according to the scholars." He scoffed and gave us a savage grin. "So you thought you'd come here and become a healer then? Good luck kid, you'll need it." I gave a lopsided grin and moved on. "We'll see." 

On the short trek across the hall Aqua tugged on the back of my shirt, I stopped and gave her a questioning look. "How did you come up with that tale so easily?" She asked in a soft voice, I shrugged. "I'm a nerd, I've spent so much time in stories that these things come naturally." She tilted her head in confusion so I continued. "The best lies have a grain of truth to them, this logo does belong to healers and I do respect them so the minor details just fell into place." She nodded, looking half convinced. "But what about charming that old man for directions or knowing about the guild?" First off there was no charming involved, I simply approached as a customer to start a conversation and second, that should have been obvious to anyone but I suppose Gods had other concerns. "Many RPGs - that means Role Playing Games," I clarified at her confused look. "Start the adventurer off in a low level area with simple quests to allow the player to get a feel for the game. And when you don't know what to do in a game the best thing is either consult your mission log, which we don't have, or ask an NPC. That means Non Player Character." And obviously the best person to ask for directions is a local, judging by his age and the fact that his cart was hand drawn the fellow was likely local and had lived here for some time. "Okay, I don't know anything about games so I'll follow your lead." I nodded and began walking away. "Besides, I'd be lying if I said I'd never wished something like this would happen to me." 

Behind the counter sat a blonde woman wearing a different uniform to the servers, this one had a white collar and red ribbon around the throat but bared her shoulders and the top of her chest and back, how did that even work? You'd have to keep readjusting it as it gets turned around all day. She introduced herself as Luna and asked if we wanted to register as Adventurers, with our affirmative she stood up and came around the counter to direct us to a contraption consisting of a blue orb the size of a child's head floating amongst several parallel circles of intricate clockwork, under the orb was a series of lenses that resembled some kind of arcane laser array. 

For the second time today I was privileged to hear someone's spiel they had already performed a thousand times before. "Adventurers are split into several occupations," She held up a small rectangle half again the size of a credit card. "This is your registration card, it will keep track of the number of quests you have completed, creatures subdued as well as your personal statistics and abilities." So it basically acted as a character screen, I wondered how that much information was held in the card. Magic, obviously. "As your level increases you'll be able to learn skills, if you have any trouble or questions please feel free to ask." I had a few but they could wait, I had no desire to make myself look an idiot by asking questions that should be common knowledge in this world and if I paid attention they would likely be answered soon enough. 

"Now then, please place your hand over this crystal and we can begin." I turned to Aqua. "Ladies first?" She looked at me uncertainly but stepped forward and placed her hand gingerly above the device as though she expected it to burn her. The crystal lit up as the metal pieces began to click and turn erratically, a thousand motes of light coming to life inside the orb and began drifting down to the base of the sphere, funneling through the lenses to coalesce into a narrow beam that traced over the card underneath in seemingly random patterns. 

"With this we will learn your status, which will be updated as you improve." Luna explained as she retrieved the card and proceeded to give it a once-over. "Please choose your desired class based on WHA-!?" A stunned goldfish possessed her for a moment before she looked at Aqua with an expression of sheer astonishment. "A-aside from Intelligence and Luck all of your stats are far above average." Some of Aqua's confidence began to return at that. "Really? So I'm pretty good then?" Golden eyes were frantically examining Aqua's results. "G-Go- uh, good is an understatement. The mage class requires a high intellect so it's unavailable, but apart from that you could choose anything you want." It had taken Luna a moment but she was beginning to recover her wits and began listing appropriate classes. 

The building's inhabitants had been listening in from Luna's first cry but as she continued they made their way over until we were surrounded by a crowd of our soon-to-be guildmates. "Crusader, Swordmaster, Archpriest, nearly any advanced class from the start!" Aqua preened in unabashed pride. "I see. Well, it's a shame there's no Goddess class then." My heart stopped for a moment but thankfully no one commented, assuming it was just empty boasting. "In that case I'll be an Archpriest to heal my underlings." 

Luna seemed almost as pleased as Aqua did. "An Archpriest it is, you will be responsible for healing and supporting your teammates yet still powerful enough to fight on the front lines." The crowd burst into cheers, one person offering her a place in their group and I could make out the voice of the fellow we spoke with telling me to get a good class so my 'girlfriend' didn't show me up. 

With Aqua taken care of it was my turn, I placed my hand over the gizmo and watched it do its magic. "Oh!" The declaration was softer than what Aqua had received, but enough to pique the interest of our crowd. "Above average across the board." That was a surprise, personally I thought I spent too much time in front of a computer to have an impressive physique. "Your stats are impressive for a beginner but your Intelligence and Agility are exceptional! I would recommend an Archmage or you could become an Assassin." Oh, she meant above average for a beginner, that made more sense. The crowd 'ooh'ed in awe, first an Archpriest and now an Assassin - from two beginners no less. 

The choice between two powerful classes was tempting but I had something else in mind. "Are there any swordmage classes?" The congratulatory rabble grew quiet, though our host was quick to recover. "The Crusader class can use some purifying magics, they're especially effective against undead but I'm afraid your Vitality isn't high enough to qualify." She finished apologetically, it would be rather fitting considering I was travelling with a Goddess but having two holy rollers in the party didn't sound too balanced. "Anything else?" 

Two of the staff behind Luna gave each other a disbelieving glance. "Perhaps a Swordsman? You could upgrade to Rune Knight later." I hummed noncommittally, the combination of tank and healer may be a classic but as a melee fighter that would mean my support would have to remain within casting distance of me, leaving her open to an enemy ranged attacker. Undeterred by my wordless dismissal she continued. 

"The Thief or Archer classes would be effective with your stats." Thief was a useful class, I had always liked a stealthy approach in games but wasn't that just the precursor to Assassin? A stealth archer was always an effective option, just about anyone could do it. "Can the Thief or Assassin classes use a bow?" She grew relieved, finally we were back in familiar territory. "The Assassin can use crossbows, but the Thief is limited to a shortsword or dagger." I assumed the Assassin could dual-wield daggers in melee combat, it would be effective but not really what I wanted from my class. 

"What if I wanted to attack with a bow from range using stealth and then close in with magic in one hand and steel in the other, what class would allow that?" The crowd began to speak up at that, several laughing whilst others called me a fool who wanted the best of both worlds. Luna looked at me like I was making some kind of huge mistake. "The only class that would allow that is Adventurer," That was an unassuming title. "The Adventurer can learn skills from any class." 

My interest was piqued, I waited for her to continue but she just stood there waiting for my response. I glanced to Aqua but she only crossed her arms and gave me an impatient look, no help there. "So what are the drawbacks?" Her blonde hair bounced as she jerked in surprise, "Oh, um," She glanced back down at the card, obviously this wasn't a commonly taken class. "The beginning requirements are quite low, and the skills will be more expensive than if you had taken a specialist class." I raised an eyebrow, so it was a standard Jack of All Trades class, that didn't sound terrible. 

"Well, since I can't be a Spellsword I guess I'll take Adventurer." There was muttered disbelief from the crowd, was it so surprising that an adventurer would have a specific role in mind despite their so-called talents? And it's not even like I was ignoring them, my intelligence would contribute to magic in short and medium range and agility for stealth archery, maybe I could get an all crimson outfit and call myself a Red Mage. Luna's tone grew placating. "Sir, I feel that would be a waste of your stats." I shrugged. "Maybe, but I want to use magic." She opened her mouth to suggest becoming an Archmage again. "And stealth." Regretfully she wrote down my class and handed me the card, mission accomplished. With a brief introduction to our guildmates we were welcomed to the noble pursuit of loot and experience. Well, Aqua was welcomed, I received more of a derisive laugh and a 'good luck, dummy'. I gave her a nudge with my elbow and spoke quietly. "Not even here a day and you're already showing me up." 

After the rabble had separated Aqua and I made our way to a table so we could examine our adventurer cards and have a bite to eat, currently we were waiting for the latter. As it turned out the guild hall had a rather varied menu, I had anticipated simpler fare - bread and cheese, roasted meats with grilled or boiled vegetables so this was a pleasant surprise. I had to remind the goddess exactly who was paying for the meal when she tried to order the most expensive thing on the menu. 

It was strange, reading a language I had never seen before today as easily as my native tongue. The small, unassuming card in my hand meant so much in this world, I traced my fingers over the lettering thoughtfully. Strength, Vitality, Intelligence, Dexterity, Agility and Luck - all vital requirements for someone who would make their living as an adventurer with Vitality being my weakest. Fair enough, I always was more of a sprinter than a marathoner. No Charisma stat as it turned out, if you wanted to charm someone you had to do it the old fashioned way. 

"Hey, show me your card." I looked up to see Aqua giving her adventurer's card a mild glare. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." She handed her card over without comment and I did the same, it was nearly identical to my own barring the obvious differences but with a stylised profile of a woman's head in some priestly garb compared to my own unadorned profile picture - they could at least make them look like us. 

Luna wasn't lying, her stats were higher than mine with the exception of Intelligence, Dexterity - hers was a miserable three points, was it possible for a God to be that unco-ordinated? That was a scary thought. And third came Luck, it turned out I wasn't just an optimist after all but in contrast Aqua's Luck was a solid One. That's the kind of luck that lets a person trip on a flat surface and break their neck. My agility seemed pretty good, maybe I should have taken up parkour. Aqua's Intelligence though was disconcerting - only a few points above minimum, if intellect directly translated to magic power then how effective a caster would she be? ...In fact, of the six basic stats only her Strength, Vitality and Agility were higher than mine, maybe part of her being sent here meant her divine power had to be sealed away? I imagine if the Demon King caught a whiff of a Goddess disrupting his plans he'd send an entire army to wipe them out. Still, the resulting values - HP/MP, Attack Power, Magic Power, Defense etc. were significantly higher than my own, perhaps she really was of a different flesh. "Why is your intelligence so high?" So that was what she was upset about. "Modern education, probably." I made sure to make my voice dismissively nonchalant but her pout only grew more pronounced so I decided a distraction was in order. 

"Why did you say Goddess earlier?" She looked at me as though I had asked her what colour the sky was. "Because I am one of course." She said as she flicked her hair in a pompous manner. "Not here you're not." Her eyes narrowed in indignation, the ire of a God was something to avoid on a good day so I spoke before she could get started. "We're here to fight the Demon King," I set my voice low and rested my elbows on the table so I could hide my mouth behind my hands. "We're both level one, what do you think will happen to us if people find out where we're from?" I continued on before she could answer. "They'll either think we're crazy, try us for heresy or drag us off to use in some political power game. Is that what you want?" She appeared to be starting to come around to my way of thinking when her train of though was broken. 

"Roast beef with gravy and vegetables and onion soup with salad and bread." We were interrupted by lunch's arrival, it was a different server this time, an auburn haired woman with green eyes I hadn't seen yet, she must have been in the kitchen when we entered. "Ah, thank you." She placed the plate in front of me with a light thud, it was a fair bit larger than the meals I was used to, the soup went to Aqua and bread in the centre. A jug of mulled wine and two goblets were placed down last. "If there's anything else you need, please let me know." With a wink and a smile she was gone, cute enough but I had more important things in mind, including my already lighter coin pouch - if we intended to survive long we needed paying work. Aqua had already begun pouring herself a drink so I held out my goblet only to watch as she put the jug down on her side of the table and quaffed half her drink in one breath, a sarcastic comment was swallowed as I poured one myself. 

I raised my goblet across the table, "To new beginnings." Aqua looked up from her soup and slurped down the contents of the spoon before tapping her goblet against mine. "To going home." Well, we're off to a good start.


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N. - A few weeks ago I decided to rewrite this chapter because it followed canon too closely, then I decided I didn't like the new version so I ended up throwing them together.**

 _Toads and Slime and Explosions, Oh My!_

Despite the unpleasant start Aqua seemed to fully embrace the life of an adventurer, rising with the dawn before heading out for a day of strenuous labour. Or in our case working odd jobs. I lifted myself from our bed of hay for another day with the city's construction crew, a rough woolen blanket had added a little comfort and I was grateful to find that Aqua hadn't stolen it in her sleep again. Although it was early winter when I left home here in this world summer was nearly ending, for now one blanket was enough.

With a yawn and a stretch the young-looking goddess joined me in wakefulness, one slender hand scratched an errant piece of hay out of her hair as she blinked tiredly. "Morning." It would take a couple minutes for her brain to rev up to speed, I took the time to wash my face in the bucket I had set aside last night as well as give her a semblance of privacy to change out of her sleeping clothes. Clothes shopping certainly wasn't my first choice on what we should spend our meagre funds on but since she was sent her with nothing more than what she was wearing I relented. And then had to quickly rein her in when she tried to buy half a wardrobe, just convincing her she didn't need silk pyjamas was an effort. Having changed and washed up Aqua and I made our way to the markets to pick up a breakfast of fruit and ate as we walked

Although I call us adventurers until yesterday we had been working with the town's construction team repairing the outside wall. Initially we had meant to do some odd jobs for a couple days while we learnt about this place, seeing as although Aqua might be knowledgeable about the mechanics of how the world worked and who our enemy was she was sorely lacking when it came to practical local knowledge. Somehow two days turned into a week, then we were offered regular work and one week had turned into two. Maybe this is what happened to the others, they came with dreams of glory and found themselves getting into a routine, eventually settled down and made a home in the new world.

We had started out with enough money to spend a few nights at an inn, had I been on my own I'm sure I could have lasted a good while solely on what I arrived with however with the two of us expenses were significantly higher. Aqua may have the body of a slender young woman but she ate like a goddamn weightlifter and drank like a sailor. So when she asked why we had left our more comfortable beds after two nights to sleep in the stables I told her the truth - that we could either sleep in rented beds or eat as we wanted, but not both. What I neglected to tell her was that I had grown tired of spending money on luxury that was probably less than a 2-star hotel when I could get the true old world rustic experience by sleeping in a barn. The smell wasn't that bad anyway, plus we had decent company - sleeping in the stables was a common practice for newbie adventurers who were short on cash or saving for better gear. In fact it was common for veteran adventurers that were down on their luck too but in a few months this would soon become unlivable, if we wanted to get through winter in comfort we needed more money. We needed to start taking missions.

The amount of money I had now was enough for a weapon for myself and Aqua, I had asked her last night over dinner what kind of weapon she wanted. 'A powerful and beautiful weapon suited to my magnificence' was not what I expected, but in hindsight I shouldn't have been surprised. I told her we had only enough money for beginner gear and she got huffy and told me not to bother, so I decided that if she felt the same in the morning I'd buy myself something extra with the spare cash.

Our time performing menial labour may have been a decent source of income but not experience, despite this the workload had increased my Strength and Vitality by a couple points so it wasn't entirely without reward. Regardless, we had delayed for too long so we gave our apologies to the foreman who was not happy to see Aqua go, he offered to increase her pay to match the experienced workers but we had a mission to fulfill so we said our goodbyes at the workday's end and after visiting the bathhouse made our way to the guild hall where over dinner and a jug of wine we renewed our oath to becoming adventurers. Aqua was more than eager.

This morning she was not so eager, I had to practically drag her out of bed.

We arrived at the guild hall just before the crack of midday to peruse the bounty board, Luna offered us a smile and a wave when we came in which was reciprocated. The available missions were a standard mix of monster eradication, item procurement and courier work, having seen enough of the town thus far we chose a quest to slay giant toads that had been preparing for mating season by gorging themselves on local livestock. Five dead toads would count as completing the quest, with any extra as a bonus. When I asked why the adventurers don't just wipe them out I learned that the toads are in fact edible and that fried frog was a rather popular dish in this area. Too dangerous to let run wild, too valuable to be destroyed.

What I didn't understand was why the mission had a time limit of three days. This wasn't a Dungeons and Dragons world where your spells can only be used once a day and recharge as you sleep, who would need three days just to kill five beginner monsters? Combat in this world was something I would need to get used to, regular martial arts classes had taught me a good deal about hand to hand combat but against monsters I was almost flying blind. In fact if it wasn't for my blessing of the gods, the 'Danger Sense' I may not have survived my first quest.

A short sword and bow with a quiver of arrows had taken a good portion of my savings, later I would need to invest in some armour but for now this would have to suffice. We made our way out into the fields that surround Axel and quickly spotted a single toad alone and made it our first target, I instructed Aqua to wait and support me with healing as needed. I was no Olympic archer but I had hunted before, I stalked closer to a distance I knew I couldn't miss from and loosed, the arrow flitted through the air and sunk into the giant frog's neck.

A wild animal when hunted will more often than not, flee. Giant frogs on the other hand are classed as Monsters for a reason and as soon as the arrow pierced its flesh and failed to kill it decided to attack. My second arrow missed as the beast leapt at least fifteen metres towards us, I nocked a third arrow and waited until it landed again before loosing, it hit but again missed anything vital. In two more bounds it would be close enough to attack with its tongue, I could feel my heartbeat rising and focused on keeping my breathing steady, ignoring the buzz of my sixth sense telling me to get out of there.

One, two, three.

Draw, hold, release.

I had practiced in the weapon store, he had a target set up for customers to get a feel for whatever bow or crossbow had taken their fancy. It was different than what I was used to, for years I had used a compound bow with plastic nocks and now I was using a traditional wooden recurve and arrows with a carved shallow notch. A slight change in technique was required, including using the old three-fingered grip style.

The frog leapt, I breathed in. The frog landed, I held. The frog crouched, ready to leap again as I loosed. The arrow flew through the distance between us and buried itself in the monster's skull, bringing it down. My first kill.

I was only able to retrieve one arrow from the corpse, the other had broken when it collapsed. I wiped it off on the grass as best I could and tested its condition, when it failed to snap or fracture from a light flex I judged it safe to use and nocked it ready. "All right, who's next?" I don't know if it's because these toads were solitary creatures or not but they were well spread out across the fields around Axel, I was looking for the closest one when the decision was made for me.

My Danger Sense went off, startling me, I looked around but the closest monster was well outside of bow range, I held up my right hand behind me. "High five!" With childlike glee she slapped my open palm. "What? No I mean stop, something's coming." Aqua looked around at the same open plains that I could before turning back to me. "There's nothing here, you're being paranoid." Famous last words.

In the desert some species of frog enter hibernation during summer, burrowing down to where the earth is cool to wait out the hottest part of the year or until the rainy season. I learned that these native creatures do the same when less than twenty metres from us the ground heaved and cracked open, releasing a massive form that let out a deep croak as it returned to the surface. Aqua squealed and ducked behind me.

I still had an arrow nocked, I drew it back and fired but in my haste I only achieved a glancing hit, the arrow pierced through the skin under the frog's eye but missed anything vital, the point erupting on the other side like one of those novelty 'arrow through the head' gags. I discarded the bow at the same moment the arrow hit, drawing my sword and closing the distance between us as it was distracted, I wasn't fast enough. My sixth sense screamed at me when I was still five metres away as its mouth opened, a desperate dodge turned into a tumble as its tongue lashed out to drag me back to a sticky end. Finishing the roll I returned to my feet and lunged the final distance, thrusting the short sword as deep as I could into the frog's belly.

A three-toed foot the size of a doormat struck my chest, knocking me to the ground. I could feel my ribs creak as the one and a half-tonne amphibian pressed me down despite the deep wound in its torso where my sword remained. I damned the frog and my weak grip as I pounded on its ankle before I grabbed the middle toe with both hands pushed upwards as hard as I could to no effect. The green beast opened its toothless maw and leant down, I watched as its mouth grew so wide that I lost sight of its bulging, yellow eyes and the single wooden shaft tipped with iron.

The arrow! I still had a quiver half full, desperately I reached around the frog's footpad and felt the feathered fletchings tickle my fingers, I teased one out far enough to grip the shaft and plunged it deep into the limb pressing me down until it was wedged in the cartilage between bones. The frog croaked in pain and pulled back, this time its natural weapons worked in my favour as the sticky pads on its feet lifted me up with it. Now I had enough leverage to separate myself, swinging my entire lower body downwards and managed to land on my feet. Drawing two more arrows I held them like daggers and leapt up, driving one into each bloated eyeball. The monster recoiled in blind agony, letting out a screech of pain as its massive feet came up in an instinctive attempt to remove the source of pain and only managed to break off the shafts, increasing its suffering. It finally attempted to flee, making a tired hop in a random direction that only took it a short distance before collapsing. A wave of pity almost had me let it go, catch my breath and have Aqua tend to the bruising I knew I would end up with before I remembered that my sword was still lodged in its abdomen. "Ah, frig." I groaned and gave chase.

I had only just retrieved my blade when I heard Aqua scream, I turned around to see another giant toad - pink this time, I wondered if the colour denoted gender - with the goddess' legs sticking out of the creature's mouth kicking wildly in panic. I charged as it sat idle, attempting to swallow its meal and hacked a deep valley into the joint of one of its rear legs, it croaked in pain and attempted to flee but the injured knee gave way and instead collapsed with a mournful sound. Shoulder high these things were the size of a truck and with a body wide enough that I doubted I could hit anything vital with my short sword without risking Aqua so before it regained its footing I grabbed a hold of thick, rubbery flesh and heaved myself onto its back to straddle it shoulders. The overgrown amphibian took umbrage at this and tilted its head back either to see what the annoyance was or to shake me off but my legs had already found purchase around its neck, I brought the blade up in both hands and drove it down into the skull. The overgrown toad crashed like a half-ton of wet concrete, twitched and became still.

I leapt down and attempted to prise its maw open, the damned thing was too heavy to lift but thankfully the inside of its mouth was slick enough that I could grab Aqua's legs and drag her out, she was crying and covered in slime but alive. Under different circumstances it might have been nice to see this Goddess sincerely grateful for once, but right now any satisfaction was drowned out by pity and the awful stench that clung to Aqua like a second skin. If the people of this world really do eat these things I hope they disinfect the meat thorougly before cooking it.

I suggested at that point we should call it a day but the Goddess' ire had been raised and she demanded vengeance. I, as her loyal companion asked "What the hell are you doing?!" And watched as she charged at the next nearest toad with a scream of rage and struck it with all of her divine might. The belly of the beast rippled like a water balloon before it casually leant down and picked her up in its mouth then tilted its head back to swallow her whole. Apparently she had already forgotten that Luna had told us that these creatures were resistant to blunt attacks and to stick to blades or magic. With an exasperated groan I went in after her.

* * *

Later that evening we were back in the guild hall tired and unsatisfied but thankfully clean after a trip to the bathhouse. Aqua was eating her fried toad with gusto whereas I was unwinding with a cold neroid. No idea what a neroid is, but it's sweet and fizzy - this world's version of soft drink. A yellow neroid had a strong citrus flavour almost like orange juice mixed with pub squash, refreshing after a long day. The clear neroid was sweet but didn't particularly taste of anything, like cheap lemonade while my favourite - the purple, was remarkably similar to Vimto, delicious.

I was going over my card, I had gone up two levels from those monsters and wasn't far from the next but since Danger Sense was a divine ability I had no skills to spend my small sum of points on. I had originally hoped that I could use any excess skill points to increase my stats but it turns out this world doesn't work like that. I had assumed that an adventurer's base stats improved according to their class, it turns out that is only a partial factor and the adventurer's own natural talents influence the rate at which one's strengths progress. For someone like myself whose strengths were agility and intelligence that meant that even if I had chosen a swordsman class for example, my stats would still increase Agi and Int at a faster rate compared to the others. This is why adventurers are allowed to change their classes since more than a few had chosen a job they thought would be perfect for them only to find their growth heading in another direction. Most obeyed nature's call, the rest either struggled along, never achieving anything great or learned to fight in unorthodox ways to their classes' norms. Those that survived, at least. Another factor was the person's own skills at the time of becoming an adventurer - whereas a couch potato who didn't exercise and dulled their mind with television would start with few or even zero skill points, someone who had studied and trained for years could start with dozens. If I had chosen a specific class I could have spent these on the beginner skills but as an Adventurer it would be necessary to have any desired skills displayed to me before I could learn them. That was pretty bloody annoying.

I had waited patiently but eventually set the card down with a sigh. "Are we going to talk about what happened out there?" Aqua started talking around a mouthful of crumbed toad before taking a swig of ale and trying again. Of course she didn't know what I was talking about so I had to straight out ask her how she had managed to get herself eaten twice. The first one had apparently surprised her but the second - which she should have known better than to try and punch - was completely avoidable but when I brought this up she grew resentful. Aqua's voice was grating on my ears with its sarcasm. "Well why couldn't you have just used your magic, Mister Stealth Archer?" Arrogant brat, acting like it was my fault she was dumb enough to get herself eaten, I swallowed my irritation and tried to explain our situation. "Look, until we get more party members I'm our front line. That means you stay back and support while I handle the killing, got it?" Maybe things would have been easier had I started as an Archwizard but this is what I knew, archery and melee - well, hand to hand, close enough. "You're a goddess of healing, remember?" I whispered. "And even if you were just some ordinary priest you're supposed to hang back and support because if the white mage dies that means the whole party's fucked." I didn't mean to swear but having nearly died and needing to save her twice I was understandably not in the best of moods.

This would be easier if we had some more skills but as a beginner Adventurer I had nothing whereas Aqua despite her talent was a few beers short of a sixpack, I should have told her to cast any buffs she had before we started. If we had a third member we could at least take on two of those things at a time - one to attack, another to defend and Aqua to hang back and provide healing. If we had a tank then I could focus on some mage skills and start to do some decent ranged damage. "We need more members." Aqua was in complete agreement, nodding while her cheeks were wide with half-chewed toad.

The meat was actually quite good, tender and with a subtle flavour almost entirely not unlike chicken, it wasn't the Colonel's recipe but it would do. Shame they were so big otherwise people might be able to farm them.

"The question is how do we get them when we're both beginners with next to no equipment." I wondered aloud. My armoury consisted of a short sword plus a short bow and bundle of arrows that I had bought with our limited funds - although the shanghai could be considered a weapon I hadn't used one since I was a child and wanted to save what little ammunition I had. My only armour was the leather boots I arrived in. Aqua on the other hand had refused to part with the clothing she came here with, claiming that they were stronger than anything mortals could produce and the closest thing she had to a weapon was a pair of wooden fans. I had asked her to consider a wand but the only staves she was interested in were far too expensive, then later whilst wandering through the market district I turned around to find she had spent our money on some measly fans! A broken bottle would have been more effective.

Aqua placed her empty mug onto the table, pride filling her voice and a beerstache on her lips. "Well that may be true in your case, but the beautiful and talented Goddess Aqua has already learned all the Priest skills." That was surprising, I myself started with less than twenty points, what on Earth was she going to do with the rest of her points as she leveled then? "If I put up a sign asking for volunteers people would be lining up around the block to join." Then she stole a piece of toad from my plate and took an unladylike bite.

* * *

Contrary to Aqua's optimism there was not a line of adventurers queuing in hopeful anticipation. I yawned, arcing my back before standing up and taking a wide stance before reaching down to the floor, once again beginning a series of stretches for the fourth time today. Aqua had asked what I was doing the first time, the second she had said it was distracting but by now she simply huffed and pretended to look away. The morning and midday crowds had come and gone yet still no one had approached us to join. Understandable, if it was just the fact that we were beginners then surely others would be willing to join or even ask us to join them however Aqua in her infinite wisdom had been quite insistent that only those with high level classes would be considered. The fact that the two of us had caused such excitement due to starting out as higher classes seemed to have slipped her mind - or chose to in her case, I still had adventurers laughing behind my back because I had chosen the supposedly weakest class, short-sighted fools. People like Aqua were the exception and not the norm, a fact that I was starting to become more and more grateful of, I didn't want to say it but oftentimes this goddess was an absolute imbecile. For god's sake, she put three 'testimonies' on our party notice despite the fact that there's only two of us! Thus here we were, half the day lost and nothing to show for it but two empty plates and one disappointed Goddess. Having woken myself back up and restored some bloodflow I sat down and began reading again, maybe Aqua would benefit from the Priest's guide pamphlet.

The guild hall didn't have a clock, but I could practically hear the steady noise, a relentless mechanical droning notifying all and sundry of the passing of time. If we stayed here much longer we would begin to wear a permanent groove into the wood, I was just about ready to head back to the frogs when we were finally approached, a voice high with youth cutting through Aqua's contagious aura of malaise. "I happened upon your recruitment poster." A petite girl with chocolate-brown hair introduced herself with a sweeping flourish of her cloak and spoke in a proud, dramatic voice. "My name is Megumin, I have followed the calling of the Archwizard and it is this path that has led me here!"

As her hair billowed in the nonexistent breeze I wondered if any normal people have high tier jobs or if they're all eccentric nutbags. "I have mastered the art of Explosion, the greatest of all destructive magics." With her face mostly hidden behind the brim of an overly large hat she seemed to take our silence for interest and continued on, her speech growing even more exaggerated. "Do you also desire my terrible power?" Her staff planted onto the floor with a solid thump, the azure gem in the crook of the arch gleaming in the scattered afternoon light. "Then show me! Show me your resolve so that we may gaze into the abyss known as magic!" Now, she looked up, her right eye gleamed in intensity while its twin was hidden behind a red and yellow eyepatch in the shape of a shield covered by a white cross. Normally human eyes weren't an iridescent crimson but since no one else saw fit to mention it I figured it was nothing to get worked up about. "But beware, when man gazes into the abyss the abyss gazes back." She finished with what was meant to be a dark, foreboding tone but from such a young girl quite frankly just sounded adorable.

I turned around fully, sitting half turned like this was starting to annoy my neck. "Oh, hey Megumin." This would have been a perfect time to cue the old 'crickets chirping' trope, but instead it was my teammate's soft voice I heard. "Hey John, who is this?" Aqua was looking at me curiously, wondering how I knew our new arrival. "I met her the other day, remember?"

 _Another day, another ulcer. Like the last two days Aqua and I were working with Axel's repair crew on the outer wall, apparently some idiotic wizard has been casting Explosion, one of the most powerful offensive spells, too close to the town. It wasn't an attack on the wall itself, but the shockwave was still powerful enough to collapse or weaken several sections on this side of town._

 _The sun was high enough that I had no shade to keep cool, I took a swig from my water bottle and placed the next brick. To my left Aqua was hard at work, her section of wall almost twice the height of mine. My pride rose its head, angrily asking how this girl could possibly be better at physical labour than me, I told it to shut up and reminded myself that despite her appearance and behaviour she was a goddess, older and much more powerful than I. Still, masonry seems an odd skill for a deity of water to possess. "How are you so good at this?" Aqua was so engrossed in her work she didn't respond immediately. "Hm, what?" I repeated. "You're surprisingly good at this." Aqua's focus broke, contrary to my earliest impression she was in fact capable of focusing on something other than alcohol and amusement, her face became an image of self-satisfaction. "Ah, well that is to be expected from a Goddess you know." This was far from the first time she had referred to herself as such, a discrete glance around showed that we were thank fully unheard by our co-workers. "I told you to keep shut about that!" I hissed at the deified dunce, just because no one heard it this time didn't mean we'd be that lucky in the future._

 _This was of course the wrong thing to say as Aqua's mood did a complete one-eighty. "Excuse me!" Eyes narrowed, cheeks puffed up with indignation, looking every bit the spoilt teen she often acted like. "As one of the major Gods of the universe I have the right- no, the duty to advertise my greatness so that my followers may be guided by my divine example!" This coming from the same person who just yesterday tried to scam money out of someone because they happened to bump into her as she was counting her day's pay on the way to the bar. Rather than have another argument I decided to back off. "You know that and I know that, but remember what'll happen if the Demon King finds out." Aqua blanched, her already pale skin growing two shades lighter._

 _Whatever she was about to say next was blown away as a massive explosion tore through the relative peace and quiet. Pummeled by the wave of heat and pressure the bricks I had been laying were knocked askew and from the shouts and curses I could hear so were many others, next to me Aqua was squealing about having the mortar bucket spilt on her but for some reason her wall was unscathed. Beyond all of this my attention was stolen by the fresh crater an unsettling distance from the town and the adventurer trio less than two hundred metres closer. Two of them were going off, I couldn't make out any words but they were angrily gesturing about the fact that they were almost blown to smithereens. A third form lay prone, their figure hidden beneath a cloak and wizard hat. Having finished their rant the two began to make their way back to town, being as close to the gate as I was the pair passed near enough that I could her their angry mutterings to each other. I called out, "Oi! Aren't you gonna bring them back?" I asked as I gestured to their fallen comrade._

Aqua tilted her head in confusion. "I dashed off in the middle of a shift and stole a sword from an adventurer?"

 _I marched away from the wall and angrily confronted the male of the pair. "What?! The hell is wrong with you, leaving someone behind!?" Abandoning a dead body I could understand, it may seem heartless but in a life or death situation the living came first, but leaving someone behind who couldn't even defend themselves was nothing less than betrayal. He retorted something I didn't bother to listen to as I looked over to check on the wizard, a frog the size of a small truck had spotted the easy meal and was making its way towards them, if someone didn't act immediately then... A trowel was still in my left hand, I swung it up and with a flick of the wrist splattered the adventurer's face with mortar before grabbing his sword and snatching it from the scabbard. His partner - there was a strong resemblance between the two, most likely brother and sister - shouted something that I ignored. I had more important things to worry about, firstly was getting to this poor bastard before that monster turned them into a snack, second was trying to run while not stabbing myself with this sword that I had little idea how to use._

"The foreman chewed me out for leaving my job and only let me back because you vouched for me?"

 _It would be close, the frog could cover dozens of metres in a single leap but I had started much closer. I poured on more speed, turning my run into a sprint. By the time I had covered half the distance the toad was still over a hundred metres away, I could do this. As I skidded to a halt next to the pathetic figure they turned their head to look at me revealing a face much younger than I had expected, she couldn't have been older than thirteen yet not only was she an adventurer she had learnt such powerful magic, perhaps I was meeting an arcane genius. "Who are you?" She asked in a weak, soft voice. "Johno," I answered. "My name's Johno. Let's get you outta here."_

 _A tingling at the base of my skull set me on edge, it was the first time my Danger Sense had activated since I came to this world and I didn't know if I was ready to use it. The frog was only a stone's throw from us, as I watched it opened its mouth the buzzing became a blare. A desperate dodge and swing of the sword I had liberated cut through the air between us at just the right speed and angle to intercept the monster's tongue as it darted out to draw one of us back to a messy end. However I had overestimated my own strength and the impact not only jarred the sword out of my grip, the adhesive nature of the frog's tongue pulled it back as it retracted with the speed of a whip ending with the sword planted tip-first through the monster's skull, the massive amphibian fell like a tonne of bricks._

 _Looking back now it seems funny, but at the time I was more worried about the fact that I had lost my only weapon, I decided to take the chance to escape while I could and picked up the tiny mage. "Come on, upsy-daisy." When I got back to the gates the pair were waiting for me, the bloke demanded I replace his sword so I told him where to find it and kept walking, if the guards weren't there it would definitely have turned into a brawl and I had no doubt that they were holding a grudge. Thankfully Axel's guards have a simple 'Outside the walls isn't our concern' policy when it comes to adventurers or they would most likely have taken his side._

The young girl cleared her throat daintily and tried to turn the conversation to its original direction. "That we should meet again is surely fate's hand at work." Or more likely it was inevitable since we're both adventurers, bumping into eachother in the guild hall or on the streets was only a matter of time. "By my honour as a Crimson Wizard I must repay my debt and-"

Her speech was interrupted when our new acquaintance's stomach gave its impression of a disgruntled bear. A very small disgruntled bear. I patted the bench next to me. "Come on, we can talk while we eat." The little Wizard deflated, stark relief coming over her features. I guess she was used to being rejected after giving that spiel, lucky for her I'm not cruel enough to turn away a hungry child. She sat next to me, diagonally opposite Aqua and toyed with her staff, suddenly bashful and refusing to make eye contact. She spoke in a small, awkward voice. "I- um, don't have any money for food." That wasn't surprising, the life of an adventurer was not as glorious as one would believe - those frogs yesterday barely paid better than construction work. I caught one of the serving women's eye and called out, asking her to bring some soup with bread and butter for our new friend.

While we waited for the food Aqua decided to begin the interview, "So, you're a Wizard from the Crimson Mazoku clan?" I had never heard of them but apparently they are identifiable by their red eyes and were known in this world as the most powerful of mages as well has having strange names. I didn't see what was strange about Megumin, I thought it sounded rather cute like a childhood nickname. What most people didn't mention is that their features had a distinct Asian tilt, reminding me of a half-Japanese actress I had watched several short videos of. "Well I'm Johno in case you forgot and this is Aqua." She gave us both a small bow, causing the large hat she wore to teeter forwards, was it my imagination or were the two buttons and stitches meant to resemble a face? "And I don't mean to pry but how recent's that injury? If it can be healed we've got a priest right here." She had been wearing the patch when we met but some time between the foreman chewing me out and the end of my shift the small Wizard had wandered off so I couldn't have Aqua give her more than a brief checkup, there's no magic cure for exhaustion after all. The Priest in question nodded and reached out to remove the cloth and take a look but Megumin leaned out of reach and placed a hand dramatically over her face, the fingers pointing at her covered eye. "This may appear to be a mere eyepatch but it carries a powerful enchantment, a Magic Item-" I could practically hear the capitalization. "That seals away a dark and fearsome power. Were it to be unleashed a great calamity would overtake this world." Okay, nerdy was one thing but this was just getting sad now, unless her father's name is Kenpachi I'm calling bullshit.

Soon enough, one of the servers brought out a bowl of what smelt like mushroom soup and placed it before Megumin, the conversation slowed down after that. It felt a little rude to be reading someone's adventurer card while they were eating but in this world it was considered the same as a combination of ID and resume. Massive nerdiness aside her stats were the real deal, the high Intelligence was impressive but her magic power was outstanding, over two hundred points. That was actually a little intimidating, I did however have one pertinent question. "Megumin, why does your skills list have only have one spell?"

* * *

Just like yesterday we had attempted to complete the giant toad quest and even succeeded, however just like yesterday it had not gone to plan. Just like yesterday Aqua was wiping away tears with hands that smelled of toad saliva. "I stink again." She was mostly dry at least, those microfibre towels may be small but they're pretty damn absorbent. "We're adventurers now, Aqua. Getting covering in gore and other crap is part of the job." She sputtered at that and began grumbling under her breath, I caught the odd tidbit about how such things were beneath her and that I should be thankful for her divine assistance. For a superior being she was too damned sensitive. "Where were you when I was in danger? What kind of knight can't even protect his Goddess?" She was the one that charged off alone, if she didn't learn her lesson the first time how was that my fault?

"Goddess?" Megumin's fatigued voice came from right next to my ear, the result of being carried back to town after exhausting herself again with a single spell. "Her parents are members of the Axis sect." I explained, I hadn't even known that existed when I came to this world but after our first day working construction some of the workers had pulled me aside and asked if Aqua belonged to it, I scrambled for something to say and came up with 'She's her parent's daughter and I'll leave it at that'. That seemed to confirm it in their minds so they didn't ask again, later that night I brought it up in the stables and Aqua explained that she is in fact the patron goddess of said cult so I came up with a cover story that Aqua may not have agreed to follow. "When their daughter was born with blue hair and eyes they took it as a sign that she was the Goddess born as a human, eventually we managed to convince her that her parents are crazy but she blurts it out sometimes. I honestly don't know if she's joking or serious." We shared a moment of mutual pity for our poor, senseless ally.

"Anyway, better leave Explosion for bosses and large forces because that was some ridiculous overkill." I could understand wanting to make a strong first impression and that displaying a powerful spell might have seemed like a good idea but if that was a serious - as in, dangerous - quest we'd all be dead now. Megumin shifted against my back, tensing for a moment before she spoke in a small but firm voice. "I can't." By the side of the road a pair of housewives gave our trio an unsettled look, I suppose we must have looked a sight between the collapsed child and the slimy teen. "I haven't forgotten, but next time you level up you can put some points into the baser spells, with your magic power they should be pretty potent." Her tiny hands tightened on my shoulders. "I am an Archwizard who only loves explosions." My retort had already left my mouth before I had time to think about it. "And I love meat pies but I'm sane enough to know that if I eat nothing but, I'll die from malnutrition."

She was silent for a moment, when she spoke her voice was quiet and level in a way that all men knew instinctively and that all women used when a man had just said something dangerously stupid. "You think I'm crazy." I winced, shaking my head in self-recrimination. "Sorry, poor choice of words. But if I'm going to let you into this party I need to know you can pull your own weight and I'm sorry but as it is your magic is-" I was cut off by a verbal explosion. "IT'S NOT USELESS!" I was knocked almost off-balance by the sudden volume and had to take a moment to control myself before I roared back in kind, but before I could utter a word she continued. "Everyone at school said that any high tier magic would do but they were wrong! Yunyun said I should have graduated ages ago but she was wrong! The teacher said that Explosion was useless but he was WRONG!" If she wasn't drained to the point of being paralytic she would have been up and gesticulating emphatically with her staff, I could picture it. As it was, she merely clutched onto my shoulders and spoke until her already weak voice grew hoarse.

I cleared my throat, "I was going to say 'impractical'." I heard her inhale, the movement on the back of my neck reminding me of the instinctive awe I had felt at seeing her magic first-hand. Roiling tendrils of power that danced to an unheard song while a kaleidoscope of stars stole the light from the sun before the entire field was awash with the flame of the greatest explosion I had ever witnessed. "You're not useless, don't let anyone tell you that." Behind me there was a sniffle which I pretended not to hear. "You can one-shot a creature levels above your own, you could cause an avalanche to bury an invading army or destroy the walls to an overlord's keep allowing your allies entrance." I tried looking at her over my shoulder and only succeeded in bumping our hats together, I turned back. "You have power some people would train for years to achieve, that is a fact."

Behind us Aqua tried to clap her hands together, finding it difficult carrying Megumin's staff as she was. "Well now! We have an Archpriest and an Archwizard, I'd say our party is coming together nicely." I felt the tiny wizard turn against my back, I could picture her expression from the gasp of joy she made. I sighed. "Fine, we'll figure out a way to make this work but if it doesn't," I adjusted my grip, bouncing her up once to make sure I had Megumin's attention. "You'll have to learn some other magics, otherwise..." I let my voice trail off, making sure to keep my tone civil so she didn't take it as an ultimatum. I couldn't bring myself to play bad cop after today, and I had a feeling my teammates would be too giddy with joy to notice if I was.

Before we could celebrate our first successful mission however I had to get this girl to a chair, my arms were getting tired. Despite the fact that Aqua's strength was still higher than mine it was my duty as the male to carry Megumin, now that we had reached our destination I could finally pawn her off to my blue haired teammate as we went our separate ways. Aqua badly needed a bath, or at least a hose down. The thought didn't occur until later but Aqua is a Goddess of water, she could have just called down a small shower for herself. The bathhouse wasn't exactly cheap but after days like today and yesterday it was a necessity, I always preferred a shower myself but a long soak in a hot bath was beginning to grow on me, not that I had much choice.

As usual I was finished, clean and dry before Aqua, this time instead of waiting for her I decided to go on ahead to inform the guild about our first completed quest. The sky had turned a warm orange while I was inside, the sun lowered to a point where I pulled my hat lower so I didn't have to squint as I made my way back.

* * *

When Aqua ordered her fourth drink for the night I didn't blame her, we had reason and the means to celebrate. Not only was this our first completed quest we had made a pretty penny, definitely enough to splurge a little at dinner. One-hundred thousand Eris for accomplishing the task, plus five thousand per frog added up to one-hundred and thirty-five grand to put in the bank, enough to kit ourselves out with some new gear or spend several nights in a rented room. Though with the way Aqua was stuffing herself that might not last.

Megumin wasn't happy about my not allowing her any alcohol but since I was the one carrying the purse complaining was all she could do, not that she had much chance to stuffing her face as she was. That explosion had clearly burned through any energy lunch had given her and she her tired arms continued to shovel food into her mouth until she cleared her last plate before laying her head on the table and dozing off.

We could have done better. Aqua learned nothing from yesterday and I wouldn't be surprised if she tried punching a frog again in the future, maybe I could try telling her again how important having a dedicated healer in the party is, try appealing to her ego. God knows her common sense didn't work. Megumin on the other hand performed exactly as advertised, a single attack of overwhelming power before turning into dead weight. I hoped it wouldn't take too many levels before her mana capacity grew to match her capacity for destruction.

A yawn cracked my jaw, I glanced out the windows to see the darkness of night and decided to call it a night. "So, did you have a place to sleep lined up?" Megumin's only answer was light breathing, too quiet to be called snoring. After paying our tab and assuring Aqua that no, it wasn't too early to leave I gently picked up the tiny Wizard and the three of us headed back to the stables, hopefully tomorrow would be less of a headache.


	3. Chapter 3

_Crusaders and Cabbages - Crubbagers_

There are worse ways to wake up than with a face full of hay, but it still wasn't on my list of preferred morning activities. The coveralls I had been using as pyjamas kept me warm enough but they also held onto each and every blade of hay that managed to work itself inside. With a grumble I got up, stripped out of my sleepwear and grabbed my microfibre towel - it was the best way to remove the hay I had found, the material picking the irritating pieces up like a magnet collecting metal shavings. Which only left the problem of getting the hay off the towel.

After I had cleaned myself off and was feeling more like a human instead of a scarecrow I pulled down my usual clothes from where they were hung to dry overnight. Halfway through getting dressed, acting on a suspicion I asked in the near silent room, "Enjoying the view?" No response. I looked back to see the girls were both still sleeping peacefully. "Oh, worth a try."

* * *

In order to level up an adventurer needed to complete missions. By killing and eating creatures they would absorb a portion of their soul, this is what is known as 'experience points'. That seemed rather ghoulish, absorbing the spirits of living things but when in Rome...

"Theoretically, if someone just ate all day would that reward them enough experience to level up?" Luna sitting behind the counter in the Adventurer's Guild was, as always, polite and helpful despite the fact that I had been asking her a list of odd questions that had occurred to me since I came to this world. "There are some monsters that give a lot of experience when eaten so that may be possible, but the reward for killing monsters is generally higher, it would be a very inefficient method." Not to mention expensive, only nobles or the ridiculously wealthy could likely afford that. Add to the fact that this world may obey some videogame rules but it's still a 'real' world, someone attempting to eat themselves into shape could be assured that shape would be quite round. "What if a monster ate a high level adventurer, would it grow that much stronger?" She was starting to look a little overwhelmed but Luna soldiered on with answering my unusual questions. "No, the ability to gain experience and level up comes from the enchantments woven into the card." Monsters don't level up, that was good to know. I hated it when games had enemies level up with you, clearing an area at level five only to come back at forty plus to find those same enemies had scaled with you was both annoying and unrealistic. "So who invented the cards and this 'adventurer' system then?" Finally we had stumbled onto something that her training hadn't covered as with a flustered, apologetic tone Luna suggested I head to the town library to have some of my questions answered. Either that or she'd just gotten sick of the sound of my voice, so with an assurance that I would do that as well as thanking her for her time I took my leave.

It had been over an hour since we arrived at the guild, when I returned to the table my party had claimed Megumin was attacking a plate of crumbed meat and vegetables while my first teammate was conspicuously absent, when I left she was partaking in a second breakfast. "Where'd Aqua get to?" Megumin pointed across the hall and up the stairs to the raised dining area where the goddess of water was waving her fans, dancing about and spraying water like she was a member of the Cirque du Solei. "Aqua levelled up and learned a new skill, she is currently entertaining the masses." Speak of the devil - Aqua, who had not slain a single monster since we arrived finally hit level two thanks to brunch. What are the odds.

Across the hall her high-pitched voice cried out, "Look John, Nature's Beauty!" Aqua was for whatever reason balancing a cup on her head, a spout of water flew into the cup from one of her fans before a colourful flower sprouted and bloomed in a matter of seconds. A chorus of cheers echoed out behind her but to me who had been reincarnated it was underwhelming, if a flower was that impressive I wondered what reaction television would get from these people. "Yes, very cute." I called out, not bothering to sound too impressed, Aqua preened.

With a ponderous sigh I sat myself down at the table opposite the Archmage and pulled out my adventurer card, scanning the small piece of paper for the nth time. My Danger Sense sat proudly at the top of the skills list however all the forewarning in the world would be useless if I didn't have the power to defeat my opponents. I needed more combat skills. I was almost level six now with completion of the quest but with no new skills to spend the points on it was little more than an increase in HP and MP.

The benefit of being an Adventurer was the absolute customisability the class afforded, the drawbacks were that skills were more expensive to learn and unlike the specialised classes I didn't have every available skill already on the card. I would need to be precisely cautious if I wanted to avoid wasting any points and though I could find plenty of warrior classes to learn melee skills from I had decided that gaining offensive magic should be my first priority. The quest with the toads had proven that my training back home had given me enough combat experience to kill some monsters but I doubted the more powerful beasts would be as easy as those to defeat. If Megumin had some useful magics instead of just Explosion then I could focus on melee combat, or if we had a Warrior, Swordsman or similar class I'd be able to stick with the bow and provide some ranged damage, maybe I'd even change my class if absolutely necessary but of course life wasn't that simple.

I think the strangest thing about this world's skill system is that there were no level requirements, a level two adventurer could learn the most powerful skill in existence as long as they had the points to spend. It was this broken system that allowed someone like Megumin to become an adventurer Archwizard with only one spell, or Aqua to become a powerful Archpriest despite the fact that she was as thick as a brick sandwich. What a world.

It was a fool's hope but I had to ask. "Megumin, I don't suppose you've learned the basic Wizard spells since yesterday?" Being raised better than Aqua, Megumin didn't try to speak with her mouth open and instead silently shook her head while giving an offended look. Of course not. "So the only skill I could learn from you would be Explosion, then." She froze for a moment then hurriedly swallowed what was in her mouth, only choking a little before she threw herself across the table and took my hand in both of her own. "Yes! Finally you have seen the beauty of Explosion, Johno!" She cried, either not realising or not caring that her meal was now smeared against her dress. More importantly this girl had a surprisingly strong grip for a squishy class. "I would gladly teach you everything you need to know and we shall walk the path of Explosion together!" Her eyes were sparkling, where on earth did this obsession with explosions come from? "Of course it was only a matter of time until you realised its sublime beauty, is there really any other magic worth learning?" I should've kept my big mouth shut. Gently I extricated my hand from hers, placing it on her shoulder in the universal 'calm down' gesture. "Settle down kid, that was just an idle thought." Maybe one day, but for now I need skills I can use in regular combat. "Kid?" She parroted, offended. "I'm fifteen, a legal adult, don't act all high and mighty just because you're kind of tall." Fifteen was an adult here? That was news to me.

Megumin finally noticed that her clothing had taken in as much food as her mouth and began scraping the more solid parts off, I took the opportunity to change the subject. "So how do I learn skills, exactly?" I had read the paperwork obviously, but a practical demonstration would be better and Megumin was quick to answer, brandishing her fork like a teacher wielding a piece of chalk. "For most adventurers it is as simple as going to the Skills section of their card but as an Adventurer class you will need to have another person teach it to you, then you just use your points to learn it." She reached over and grabbed my card, "See here, you- wait, why do you already have skills?" Under my card's Skills tab were my blessing plus three basic abilities: Cooking, Unarmed and Archery. Unlike yesterday Aqua's Nature's Beauty had been added to the list only it was greyed out, unlearned. "I started with those." Megumin looked at me like I had done something strange, shouldn't it be normal for the card to register skills you already have? "You started with three skills already learned?" I nodded. "I was in charge of cooking for my family after mum left, I've trained unarmed fighting for a few years now and I've used a bow since I was a kid." Megumin's eyes gazed at me with an unusual focus. "You can cook?" I nodded and despite the fact that she had a half-empty plate before her I would describe the young Wizard's expression as hungry, not a look I wanted to receive from someone with a face that young - honestly it was a little unsettling, thank heaven for distractions.

Just at that moment our table was approached by a blonde adventurer in plate armour wearing a yellow tabard over a black bodysuit. Instead of covering the entire torso the breast plate ended just above the bottom of her ribcage, the right pauldron unlike its brother was ornamental and made to resemble a pure white wing and her legs were only armoured on the outer thighs. To my untrained eyes it looked like a setup that tried to balance defense and mobility but the outfit was significantly finer than what most other adventurers wore, either she had already made some good coin or she came from a wealthy family. "I bid you good morning. Now then, shall we continue our discussion from yesterday?" Unlike Aqua or Megumin she spoke in a clear, smooth voice, further cementing in my mind that this was some minor noble looking for adventure. She sat herself on the bench to my left, Megumin peered across the table at the newcomer and glared at me like a child whose parent had stopped to talk to a friend at the supermarket. "Johno, who is she?" I gestured to the young, blonde, probably noblewoman. "Megumin, this is Darkness, Darkness, Megumin, she's our Archwizard." Megumin studied the older woman's face before her eyes tracked downwards and lingered for a moment, with an audible huff she turned away and stabbed a piece of carrot, biting into it in a surly manner.

The previous evening while Aqua and Megumin were at the baths I decided to head to the guild to organise the collection of the last of the toads and pick up a mug of something while I went over the day's events. I didn't make it a block before I was interrupted.

 _I lowered my hat to protect my eyes from the evening sun and began to make my way towards the guild when someone placed themselves in my path. "Can I help you?" Her blonde hair hung heavily, shining and damp, the woman placed her hand over her chest. "W-Would you please," Nerves threatened to still her tongue but she forced the words out. "Please let me join your party?" Two new members in one day was unexpected and to be honest after today's results I would've been content to not go on another mission for a while, or at least until my current team learns something useful._

 _Without waiting for a response she asked another question. "Those two ladies were your allies, correct? What happened to them?" When she finished talking her face had gotten uncomfortably close to mine, a desperate fervor clearly shining in her eyes, I took a step back. "Well the younger one just exhausted herself, the blue-haired one got eaten by a giant frog." Her eyes widened and it was hard to tell in the light of dusk but I'm fairly certain she was blushing. "G-giant frog? And the other was so overwhelmed that she was forced to fight until she collapsed?" As her breathing started to pick up I wondered if it wouldn't be unwise to make a strategic exit, a thought that was strangled in its crib as she grabbed my right arm with both hands. "I've heard enough! As a female knight I have no choice, you must let me join your party!"_

 _This entire conversation had come out of left field for me, I decided to backtrack. "What's your name?" The woman blinked, finally realising her faux pas. "Ah, my name is Darkness, pleased to meet you." Normally I'd offer my right hand for a shake but since she was still gripping my arm like she expected me to flee I merely gave her a sharp nod. "Right, I'm Johnathan, or Johno to my friends and I'm going to be honest with you." Despite how odd she was behaving a tank was a necessary member of any team, I didn't know everything about all the different classes in this world yet but since none of us had any proper armour she might be able to fit the role. "We don't yet have a heavy combat specialist, if you join you'll be the front line and rearguard." I warned. The young lady beamed, seemingly elated by the prospect. "That is exactly what I want." Well she certainly sounded excited but something was telling me she's not just an adrenaline junkie. "I've been thinking that we need a tank, someone willing to take the majority of the enemy's attention and weather their blows, can you do that?" Her eyes sparkled, she leant forward almost bowing, since she was still holding onto my arm I was dragged into a half-bow with her. "It would be my pleasure!" I had the distinct feeling that I had just welcomed another headache into my life. "Meet us at the guild tomorrow morning, you can meet the rest of my team then we can grab a quest and see how well we work together." I wasn't going to lie, it would be enough to let her see my dysfunctional party for herself._

 _Although I had the unsettling suspicion that she would fit right in._

This young woman with her appearance and behaviour was certainly an eye-catcher but not so much that I didn't notice the silver-haired girl that had followed behind her. She was built like an acrobat, extremely slender with only the barest of curves and wore clothing that minus the scarf and cloak wouldn't have looked out of place on the beach with her black tank top that left her midriff bare and blue short shorts. Even though she was the first person I had seen in this world with a pair of violet eyes her most striking feature had to be the scar on the right cheek of her otherwise delicate face, it was too clean to have been caused by a monster. Since the only weapon I could see on her was a dagger I assumed her to be a Thief, the class that focused on Dexterity and Luck.

When she spoke her voice was teasing, mischievous. "So this is the guy you're running off with Darkness?" She looked me up and down before nodding, seemingly having come to a decision. "My name's Chris, a Thief as you can tell and this girl here is my friend I guess." She placed a hand on Darkness' shoulder and the blonde blushed, touched by the statement. It was good to meet a relatively normal person finally. "And you're the Adventuring Fool I've heard about, right?" I turned in my seat, fully facing the Thief and her friend. "I beg your pardon?" It turned out I had a reputation, one wholly unjustly earned by the fact that rather than choosing one of the two advanced classes that were recommended - the Assassin or Archwizard, I had instead become a simple Adventurer. Apparently my induction to the Guild was a popular story amongst the other adventurers to the point it could already be called an urban legend. Damn gossip mongers.

Chris carried on, ignoring both her insult and my ensuing question. "Well since you're doing my friend a favour I figured I'd teach you a skill, Darkness wouldn't have any abilities you want so how about some Thief skills?" That's not true, I could at least learn swordsmanship from her I thought but as soon as I said that Darkness got a strange look on her face, of muted pride overshadowed by embarrassment. "Ah, I have invested all of my points into defensive skills so that I can better become a wall for my allies." I had the terrible feeling that I just recruited the knight version of Megumin, possibly realising the train my thoughts had taken the thief steered the conversation back. "Tell you what, I'll do it for a crimson beer how's that?" One crimson beer? That wasn't even one of the more expensive drinks, it seemed rather cheap for learning a skill but considering her friend wanted to join my party it only made sense that she'd want to ensure she was in capable hands. I ordered the drink.

A few minutes and an empty mug later Chris was ready to fulfill her end of the bargain, she stood up and gestured for me to follow her to a small gap between two tables. "Okay, this one's Hide." I was expecting her to disappear, fade away like a chameleon or turn invisible, instead she ducked behind one of the hall's pillars. This one was decorated with a yellow kite shield bearing a sigil of a black gauntlet holding two crossed arrows, she stood almost hidden save for her left arm which stood out like a four year-old playing hide and seek. As I watched and waited my attention began to drift, a shout of boisterous laughter from a group of adventurers nearby caught my attention as two of their number tried to overpower the other in an arm wrestle, the only interesting thing about it was they were a man and a woman.

What was I doing again? I shook my head and turned back to the thief only to get distracted again as the redheaded waitress whose name I hadn't learned passed by, if my girlfriend had owned a uniform like that... well, we probably still would have broken up anyway.

A sharp noise drew my attention back as Chris rapped her knuckles on the wooden beam, bright violet eyes caught mine as she peered out from her hiding place with a cheeky grin. "Hide reduces your presence, but sudden movements and noises can break it. Perfect for when you don't want someone's attention on you." Interesting, it didn't make the user invisible but unnoticeable, perfect for a cutpurse or assassin - a careful pickpocket or quick stab to the kidneys with a hidden blade before disappearing into the sea of faces. In my case I could picture myself using it to discreetly eliminate sentries around a demihuman camp, strike from an unseen vantage point when hunting, even infiltration if the guild allows those kind of quests. Oh yes, I could definitely use this.

Actually learning the skill was a strange sensation. "Woah, tingly." That was the best I could describe it, like getting pins and needles in the brain that quickly spread down the nervous system till it reached the tips of my fingers and toes before quickly fading. The magic to share knowledge and abilities like this was astounding, why did they even have adventurers? Give every citizen a card and the entire population could become skilled warriors, spellcasters or rogues; any invasion the Demon King attempted would be overwhelmed by a super-powered militia. "It's a sensation, isn't it." Chris was watching with a knowing look in her eye, waiting for me to come down from the high of learning. "Next is Steal, you ready?"

Steal, Hide, Detect Enemy and Disarm/Lockpick - by which I mean she actually called it "Disarm, slash Lockpick" - all cost one skill point each, not including Nature's Beauty - the skill Aqua had shown off in the bar despite the fact she hadn't been trying to teach it to me - that one was a whopping five points. The fact that skills didn't need to be taught, they could be learned just by watching was useful to know but I had only received one skill point per level, if I hadn't started with the sum I did that would have used over half my skill points just for these four. However my Danger Sense should hopefully warn me of any hostiles in the area so I decided there was no need for Detect Enemy, that's one more point in the bank at least.

Soon enough I made my way back to where I had left the others followed by our new party member hopeful. Aqua had finished her performance and was sitting next to the little Wizard with a bottle of wine and a plate of cheese, as Megumin was about to take a swig of Bacchius' poison I announced my return by snatching the goblet out of her hand and held it up like I was making a toast. "Good news everyone," I said as I deflected Megumin's attempts to retrieve the drink she was too young for. "Darkness here has asked to join our party, say hello." Aqua was thrilled to meet a new face and eagerly invited her to the group. Now that our numbers had grown to four we reclaimed our table, Chris had made her exit after saying she needed to prepare for a dungeon delve tomorrow. As I stroked my newly-won dagger I decided to shout her a drink next time we met, I had been leery of the girl when she pulled that 'use your skill to win back your purse' trick, but it ended up in my favour. And even if it hadn't she only would have gotten one wallet, I kept a backup in a different pocket just in case something like this happened.

The girls were quick to make Darkness feel welcome, it seemed that Megumin had gotten over whatever put a bee in her bonnet earlier. "A Crusader?" Aqua had her skill card in hand, next to her Megumin was nodding thoughtfully. "That would be a good addition to our party." Crusaders were a somewhat versatile class of the Warrior tree - requiring a high Vitality they were capable of being a good melee damage dealer with two-handed weapons but also possessed the highest defense of any class with heavy armour and shields, it would be a small stretch to compare them to a Paladin. As the name implies though they were not a support class and possess no healing abilities, fairly common amongst even a beginner area like Axel and thus easy to find themselves without a party. "So if there's no objections I'll grab a quest and we can get on with it." I declared, standing up to peruse the bounty board, Megumin spoke up before I could go far. "Before that, did you learn any skills?" Instead of answering I held out a hand and channeled a small amount of mana with the ease that should have come from hundreds of hours of practice condensed into a single moment. "Steal!" I twirled Megumin's staff in my hands and rested it over my shoulder with a smirk. "A couple."

The giant frogs quest was still on the bounty board which was understandable, until mating season was over they were a hazard to anyone living outside the walls. Add to that their sheer size, just one - assuming an overly zealous Archwizard didn't turn it to ash - would have enough meat to feed a family for weeks. "Well, we already know we can handle them so let's head back to the frogs." Aqua was aghast at this and was halfway through a frenzied denial including tears and hair-pulling when she and everything else was drowned out by the town's alarms.

Despite the middle-ages appearance and thanks to the wonders of magic this world possessed at least one equivalent to modern technology, this being the P.A. system. A blaring horn echoed throughout all corners of Axel as Luna's voice was broadcast for all to hear. "Emergency quest! Emergency quest! All adventurers please gather in front of the East gate at once!" With a thunder of footsteps the guild was empty in moments, the adventurer's raucous cheers carried in their wake.

I found myself dragged along with the tide, watching as panicked civilians made their way indoors. The shopkeepers closed up hastily to shelter their wares, children were held protectively close as their parents ran, dropped items discarded as though going back for them would mean a death sentence. Doors were latched, windows locked and shutters closed as we passed, the church bell in the centre of town tolled for all. By the time we reached the gate I had lost Megumin and Aqua, only Darkness remained by my side to meet the aproaching threat.

Approaching from beyond the horizon was something unusual. "What is that?" From this distance all I could make out was a cloud of green, wafting through the sky towards us. Was it poison gas? A swarm of locusts? Around me the crowd of adventurers was getting worked up, eager for whatever battle we were about to face. "Would someone tell me what the hell is going on?" Aqua reappeared carrying a woven basket large enough to carry a small child and sat it on the ground. "What are you getting so worked up about? It's just cabbages."

Cabbages. The exact same kind of food that back home could be found sitting on supermarket shelves waiting to be taken home and made into something your average five year old refused to eat, except in this world they were a mobile vegetable life form, like Triffids only with less murder. This world is so goddamn weird.

I finally caught a glimpse of Megumin, standing well ahead of the rest of the adventurers and posing like the main character on a movie poster. What the hell was that girl thinking. I was about to call out to her when Luna's voice once again sounded out, she and several more guild staff were on the other side of the gates, the buxom blonde spoke into a rolled up bundle of canvas to raise her voice so we could all hear. "Everyone! The annual Cabbage harvesting season has arrived." Behind her three uniformed staff held up three green, leafy heads. "This season's cabbages are high quality and are worth ten thousand Eris each." A part of me wondered how the hell they had gotten those when the mass of vegetables was still approaching but that was drowned out by a sudden bout of... not greed, let's call it opportunism.

Ten thousand Eris each, that was enough for a couple days' food or an entire day in the baths - one thing I hated about this world was the need for the poor to choose between food and hygiene - this single quest could support us for a month at least. I drew my sword and joined the charge.

* * *

On most evenings the adventurer's guild was a minor pandemonium of rough frivolity, tonight that was turned up to eleven. Alcohol flowed, entire beasts were roasted whole, boasting and friendly insults abounded and Aqua had performed Nature's Beauty repeatedly for any and all to see. As for myself I was enjoying the special of the day - cabbage stir fry, while my teammates bonded over the day's events.

My new team had performed surprisingly well in the harvest, Megumin's spellcasting had obliterated a number of monsters that had also been hunting the cabbages, earning her the respect of a number of the adventurers including Darkness who due to her own over-eagerness had been caught in the edge of the blast.

Darkness also had impressed Axel's adventurers with her courage, chivalry and dedication to protecting the injured. The wild cabbages used their own bodies to batter men and women into submission - it turns out a kilogram of water held together by vegetable fibre capable of flight is more dangerous than one might think. I saw her throw away her sword and use her body to shield two men who had fallen, that might have been more impressive if she had actually managed to hit any of the leafy bastards but it was still a noble thing to do. She had been beaten so thoroughly her armor had been gradually torn apart, leaving her in a ravaged tabard and black bodysuit but still she refused to falter. It was only when I got close enough to help her that I realised the red cheeks and heavy breathing weren't from exertion, that her groaning at each impact wasn't from pain, not in the way I had thought at least.

Darkness was not the knight version of Megumin, she was worse.

Aqua had used her powers over water to keep the cabbages fresh and the adventurers hydrated, for the first time acting as a proper support. It seemed a terribly ordinary thing to do for a goddess of water to use a party trick to create a trickle, logically she should be able to create a flash flood with a wave of her arm but that wasn't something I wanted to see any time soon.

Aqua gestured towards Darkness with a fork covered in stir fried cabbage - not because she had stolen my food this time, all four of us had ended up ordering the special. "Your defense was amazing, those cabbages couldn't get past you at all." I would have preferred to see some sword skills but she was right, Darkness' defense had been impregnable, whatever skills she had paid into had kept her body strong while her armour was destroyed. It was impressive, unorthodox, but impressive. The Crusader responded humbly, "No, I am merely a solidly built woman." I resisted the urge to make a crude comment. "I am slow and clumsy so defending others is all I can really do." And the fact that she enjoyed it surely had nothing to do with that.

Passing the compliment train along, Darkness commented on Megumin's contribution. "Your magic was astounding, to destroy that many monsters with one spell." The little Archwizard puffed up her chest, speaking with such smugness she could have been impersonating Aqua. "Now do you see the power of the Crimson Mazoku?" Darkness sighed, her voice turning breathy in remembrance. "Yes, I have never taken a hit from such firepower before." Of which she should be bloody grateful, masochism is one thing but if she tried reaching that high with Megumin's help there wouldn't be enough of her left to bury in a shoebox.

The smallest member of our party turned to our Archpriest. "Aqua's contribution can't be sold short either. Her Nature's Beauty kept the cabbages fresh and raised the morale of the adventurers." I'm not entirely sure how much help her little spray did for the cabbages when they were already stored in water-filled cages provided by the guild but it kept her happy and occupied in between healing the injuries that had been sustained. At least she didn't try punching anything this time.

With a jubilant laugh that was cut off by a burp, Aqua wiped her lips on her sleeve. "But who would have thought that the most active one would be an Adventurer?" Megumin nodded, her overly-large hat swaying with the motion. "True, after I cast Explosion Johno was the one to pick me up and carry me back." Well it wasn't like I could just leave her there, but even with my sixth sense carrying a body through a small warzone was a challenge I hope I don't have to repeat. A few adventurers along the way aided us, intercepting cabbages and acting as temporary escorts - I made note of their faces, each one of them was getting shouted a drink. "When I was surrounded and overwhelmed it was Johnathan who came to my rescue." That earned me a few bruises, the first thing I needed to buy once our rewards came in was some armour. Darkness continued in a softer voice. "Although I wouldn't have minded if it lasted a bit longer." I hadn't decided whether Darkness' masochism was a detriment or a benefit to her tanking yet, my rational side was leaning towards the former but another part said the latter. Up to a point.

Aqua leaned in close, poking my cheek with a slender finger. "You were pretty cool out there you know." Then she took another swig, allowing Megumin to interject. "When you erased your presence with Hide and used Steal to take their wings you looked just like an Assassin." From someone else that may have been a comment about my choice of class but from a teammate I took it as the compliment it was meant as. "John, by the will of the Gods I dub thee 'The Cabbage Assassin'." As Megumin and Darkness giggled I responded to Aqua in a perfectly civil tone, "Call me that again and I'll shave your head while you sleep." Which brought on another slew of laughter.

I waited until they had finished laughing before I made my decision known. Aqua and I had never officially decided who the head of our party was, she just tended to follow my lead and Megumin and Darkness followed suit but if these were my allies then what choice did I have. "Alright, let's make this official." I pulled out my adventurer card and placed it on the table, prompting the others to do the same. Megumin lay her card so one corner lay over the edge of mine, followed by Aqua and Darkness who placed theirs so each card was touching two others in the shape of a rough rectangle, if a card wasn't touching at least one other the effect wouldn't activate.

I had made sure to read most of the paperwork available in the Guild - which still felt a little strange to be honest, pamphlets in an adventurer's guild - including the one about forming parties. It was a simple affair, two or more adventurers touched their cards together and held their finger on the 'Party' icon for a few seconds which would link the cards' enchantments and form a party. The joined cards would take the basic information of their allies and make them available for other party members to read and keep track of and more importantly the adventurers would share in the experience points gained by the party as a whole. The points were not distributed evenly, the one who got the killing blow would reap the greater share of the reward but the enchantment would help to reduce the chances of a party's less active or specialized members from falling behind, as a Priest Aqua would benefit the most since healing and support gave no experience. On the other hand if we found ourselves in an area overrun with undead then Aqua and myself would thrive while Darkness who used physical attacks with ordinary steel would fall behind.

On the table the glow that had suffused our cards slowly faded. Megumin was the first to snatch hers back wearing an expression like a kid on Christmas morning - joy and excitement as she beheld what she had received. Darkness took her card like it was a precious treasure, a small hopeful smile on her lips, the face of a woman who could scarcely believe her dream had come true. Aqua carelessly took hers back and let out a whoop of victory, calling out to a passing member of staff. "Hey, another round over here!" The short-haired server despite carrying an armful of dirty dishes fluidly changed direction to our table and asked what we wanted. "Beer! Beer for me!" Megumin insisted, causing Darkness and I to look at her and then eachother when we noticed the other's gaze. "She'll have a shandy." I spoke, pointing at our petite Archmage. "White wine." I gestured to Aqua before turning to Darkness and raising an eyebrow in a silent query, she blinked, having assumed I would order for her as well before making a request. "I would like a Pinot, please." Unconsciously the waitress gave a half-curtsy in response to Darkness' manners and cultured tone. I felt a smirk tug at my lips as I considered what an assorted mob we must look like. "And I'll have a black beer, thanks." With a nod she scuttled off to deliver her load to the washers before placing our order.

Megumin was staring at me, miffed that she didn't get her order while the rest of us were soon to enjoy our own. "What's a shandy?" Her voice was short and high, sounding very much like the child she denied she was. "Half beer, half clear neroid." I explained, normally it would be lemonade but since neroid was the closest thing these people had to soft drinks I had to improvise. The barstaff hadn't known what I meant the first time I ordered one, which surprised me since they were willing to water down the alcohol for the already inebriated patrons but somehow no one had thought to mix beer and sugar water. Now after I had ordered several over the last two weeks they didn't even bat an eye at the request, if I hadn't seen other adventurers already ordering them I might have considered patenting it. "Johnathan," Darkness spoke up in a distinct chiding tone. "I don't think Megumin should be drinking at her age." Megumin of course reacted indignantly and began mumbling how she was fifteen and therefore old enough to go on adventures and partake in everything that came with them, I nodded to Darkness placatingly. "I know, but it's a special occasion. We won't be making a habit of it." She wasn't happy and neither was Megumin but they accepted, a typical compromise.

In my experience there are two ways to make a child into an alcoholic. First, raise them with one or more alcoholics, with someone like Aqua who thinks getting absolutely shitfaced is the best or only way to end a day. The second is the other extreme, over-protective strict parents who forbid their children from drinking, going out or even having any kind of life outside home and school. As soon as they turn eighteen the kids go out and act like grog is water and they just escaped a desert - no understanding of the risks of drinking, just years worth of repression being released. One of my friends from high school nearly died from alcohol poisoning like that, parents almost disowned him. Bloody Jehovah's Witnesses.

Religious freedom is one thing but I find it hard to trust anyone who thinks they're too good for modern medicine.

The girls returned to small talk for a few minutes with my odd contribution before our drinks arrived, one shandy, two white wines and a beer. With a quick thanks and a whish of cloth she was off, going to serve another table or out the back to rest her feet, who knows. I reached out and grasped Aqua's arm before she could down hers, she looked at me confused and irritated like I had deliberately stood on her foot or something equally rude. "Not yet." I took my beer and raised the mug to the centre of the table. "Who wants to make a toast?" I asked, looking at all three. Aqua was the first unsurprisingly, her exuberant voice raising above the general din of the guild. "To wine and treasure!" Typical. Darkness raised her goblet in a steady hand even as her cheeks turned red. "To adventure and f-f-friends." Her voice grew softer at the end, stuttering in her embarrassment. Megumin raised her own mug, already half empty I noticed and decided to keep an eye on her in the future, the last thing we need is a second Aqua. "To vanquishing our enemies with our overwhelming power!" She declared as she stood up and placed one foot on the table, posing dramatically. I chuckled and shook my head. "To a life worth living." The four vessels clinked together resolutely.

"There is one condition for joining," As Aqua spoke she pointed a commanding finger at Darkness, or rather the crest on her armour. I had seen priests wearing the symbol on their robes but Darkness was the only armoured figure I had seen to wear the sigil of Eris. "You two must convert to the Axis sect!" That earned the Goddess a cuff to the back of the head.

* * *

Most nights in the adventurer's guild end late, with today's haul there was much cause to celebrate so unsurprisingly we ended up staying longer than usual. I allowed Megumin to have a second shandy to Darkness' displeasure and Aqua had once again drunk herself silly. The Goddess was currently singing an off-key tune with breath that smelt of her last meal.

 _"Or if thy wife prove none of the best; or admits no time but to think, to think; or the weight of thy horns bow down thy crest; divert the dull demon with drink, with drink!"_

Even paralytic she was still a decent singer, most likely due to experience. I was grateful that at least I hadn't been carrying her when she emptied her stomach, now that there was little threat of a repeat I was willing to piggyback her on our way to the stables, leading the way for Megumin who had been asleep and Darkness who hadn't been this way before. Although since she was a local I wouldn't be surprised if she knew where we were heading.

Before long we reached what passed for our lodgings, past the thin stream that provided fresh water to the horses and up the barely noticeable rise to the large double doors that were our home away from home. For now. We made our way quietly past the stables used by the other adventurers who had little coin to the one we had been using, I whispered to Darkness to lay out the blanket and gently removed the snoozing goddess from her perch. After making sure she was in a comfortable position and removed her shoes I was finally ready to hit the hay. Shoes, belt, weapons and pockets, my father's hat rested on top of the backpack I had carried for years, time to sleep at last. Megumin lay next to Aqua, wriggling to flatten the hay, Darkness had taken the other side leaving me on the blanket's edge. There was little space, I made a note to buy some more bedding tomorrow before I blew out the lantern.

Sleep had almost claimed me when I heard Darkness' breathing pick up. "The four of us sleeping in a filthy stable." Oh, Goddammit. It was too dark to see well but I could feel her lying beside me, picture her face turn red and eyes stare at me like she had yesterday. "What is there to stop someone from pushing me down, covering my mouth so I can't cry for help and-" I had to shut her down before she got going. "Good night, Darkness." I rolled onto my side, facing away, if she wanted to stay awake fantasizing she could do it to my back. The unhinged Crusader moaned in what I told myself was disappointment.

How the hell was I supposed to sleep now that all I could picture was myself tying Darkness down and... I shivered and for the first time since I came to this world wished for a cold shower.


	4. Chapter 4

_Dressed to Kill_

.

.

Clothes maketh the man. I had spent the last two weeks in this world with barely two sets of clothing, now that I had some disposable income on the way it was time to rectify that. The store I had been led to under Darkness' advice was a combination clothier/tailor's shop, not many adventurers had clothing to sell since monsters in this world don't conveniently drop items or weapons so any tailor was guaranteed business from those who took up the dirty, dangerous life we had.

The bell jingled cheerily as we entered into a small, well stocked shopfront. A part of me was expecting the smell of dust and mothballs like most secondhand stores back home but this one was clean and well-kept, with just a trace of some flowery fragrance floating through the air. In response to the bell's chime a woman entered from a back room, she was well past her middle years with greying hair and a few wrinkles and wearing something I had never seen before but I guessed was a seamstress' apron. Her eyes passed over each of us but when she saw the Crusader they widened a fraction and she lowered herself into a half-curtsy. "My Lady, a pleasure to see you again." She spoke with a voice as smooth and cultured as Darkness and they obviously knew each other, but her tone was respectful rather than friendly. Darkness responded with warmth in her voice. "Good day Hilde, my companion Johnathan-" I raised a hand in greeting as she gestured to me. "Is looking for some new garb befitting his path as an adventurer." The corners of Hilde's eyes crinkled with her smile. "Wonderful, were you looking for something off the rack or custom?" Aqua had already gotten distracted and was browsing through a selection of light coloured tops. "Off the rack should do for the the top half, but if you could make me a couple pairs of pants like these I'd be grateful." I tapped my upper legs for emphasis, the tailor looked me up and down with an experienced eye then nodded, an eager look on her face. "Well then, this way please."

I was expecting to be led into a back room but instead we made our way across the shop floor to a small open area in the corner with a pair of mirrors, one on each wall facing a small raised platform less than a metre across. I stepped up and stood legs apart and back straight waiting for the tape measure. "Strip please." I blinked. "I beg your pardon?" The braided cord in her hands cracked like a leather belt. "Strip. Please." Suddenly her smile seemed much less friendly. My first instinct was to deliver a polite 'Hell no' but I couldn't think of anything tactful enough, plus I didn't want to upset a teammate's friend. I had already shared a stable with some of these people and the other was a professional, what did my own discomfort matter. I sat down, removed my boots and placed them under a nearby chair, my shirt came next folded roughly and placed on the seat followed by the belt and contents of my pockets and topped off by my cargoes. As I resumed the position I hoped that no one else walked in. The universe answered my prayers this time, the doorbell remaining silent as Hilde measured my chest, shoulders, arms, waist and back. Her hands were rather bony, prodding and pushing as she had me stand this and that way, arms up, down or akimbo before she knelt down to do the lower body.

The tailor had been almost silent apart from the odd thoughtful noise so when she finally spoke it took a moment for the question to register. "What class?" I should have been expecting that, a person's fighting style would obviously require a complementary wardrobe, there's a reason magi don't wear steel plate. Actually I should ask Aqua or Megumin about that, from what I've seen so far the trope of wizards in robes was accurate but some fantasy worlds have no problem with them wearing armour. "Adventurer, with high Agility and Intelligence so I'm going for a swordmage build in close range with a bow at distance. Stealth if necessary." She hm'ed in acknowledgement and kept working. "Preferred material?" I didn't actually know what people wore in medieval times, leather and wool were definitely available but I doubted they had the irrigation to farm cotton around here, then there was also canvas but I had a feeling that was just for sails and paintings. "Whatever you think is appropriate." Her lips quirked into a small smile, glad I wasn't making any ignorant or troublesome demands. Either that or she was grinning about the fat pigeon she had just snagged, but if she had Darkness' blessing I'm sure she wouldn't try to rip me off too badly.

Though there was a distinct redness to Darkness' face she had averted her eyes and was waiting patiently, acting as though it was perfectly normal to watch a man you met only yesterday get half naked and fondled by someone old enough to be his mother. Aqua on the other hand had piled herself so high with clothes in different shades of blue and white that I was surprised she hadn't knocked anything over. Of course as I thought this her foot got tangled on a scarf that had fallen from her pile and she came crashing down onto a clothes rack. Hilde tut-tutted at the racket and separated herself, asking for us to excuse her for a moment. "So, how do you two know each-other?" Darkness snapped out of whatever thought she was having, looking slightly startled as she processed what I had said. "Miss Hilde fitted me for several sets of clothes when I was younger, when I met her here I decided I would visit no other tailors." A sharp crack and a shriek of pain and shock tore my attention to where Aqua had fallen, I had taken half a step towards her before I realised what had happened - Aqua was rubbing the back of her skirt just at the top of her legs and giving Hilde a tear-filled glare, the older woman only gave her a harsh look in return and an imperative. "Pick those up." I had a sudden suspicion as to why Darkness favoured this store.

Satisfied that Aqua had been properly chastised Hilde made her way back and continued past, telling me she was finished as she did so. I asked how long the pants would take as I put my clothes back on, there were only a couple people ahead of me so the answer was three days. With that out of the way I started browsing, going through the men's clothing for something to suit me. The clothing was simple as expected, clean cloth in single colours or undyed, I picked up a shirt that looked about my size and rubbed my thumb over the material - woolen but rougher and thicker than I was used to. I put it back and continued browsing.

On the next rack I found something different, a short-sleeved collared shirt with a logo stitched on the left breast, one I recognised. I looked and found a tag on the inside marked 'Do not tumble dry', 'Made in India'. A part of me knew I shouldn't be surprised but seeing a modern polo shirt in a middle ages tailors was such an anachronism that it left me stunned for a moment, regaining my bearings I returned the clothing to its place on the rack and started digging for more. I found them - t-shirts, jeans, hoodies and shorts all hanging around the store amidst their ancient kin. "Hilde." I called out, holding up a green and black white-striped tracksuit made of thin polyester. "Where did you get this?" She examined the article of clothing for a moment before answering. "A young adventurer sold that a few weeks back, said it 'ruined the fantasy feel' and bought a change of clothes." So recent, if the reincarnated were turning up that regularly I should have met a couple already by now. "Haven't seen him since. Probably died out there, poor thing." I considered showing some of the outfits to Aqua and asking if she remembered them but decided against it. What a shame, if each article of Earth clothing I found belonged to a single dead adventurer... I decided to end this train of thought.

All up I acquired a few long-sleeved shirts in the local style in white, green and black as well as an order for two more pairs of pants plus a double wrap leather belt, more suitable for carrying weaponry than my old one which was already beginning to show a distinct warp. I had asked about some pouches for potions and sundries but it turned out the leather-workers had a monopoly on those. I wasn't too sure about the short cloak though, it wasn't as familiar as a jacket but with winter approaching I would need some cold weather gear. If the pants held up I decided I would commission an overcoat, something like a Drizabone perhaps.

Maybe now I would stop feeling like a tourist at a medieval fair.

After the tailor our next stop was the blacksmith, I couldn't afford to do much more than browse for now but Darkness wanted to drop off her armour for repair. Since it was literally in pieces by the end of the quest yesterday I wasn't sure if it could be fixed but I wasn't the one from a world of swords and sorcery, wearing armour went out of fashion on Earth a long time ago. Unless you're in one of those medieval groups, of course.

The building was the size of a double garage, made of stone for obvious reasons and the bulk of the space was taken up by a single room housing the forge and the assembled wares. What an assembly it was - swords no more impressive than my simple short blade to veritable dragonslayers, axes, spears and polearms before even mentioning the armour, this place was a treasure trove. The owner of this business was a Dwarf, which I was secretly excited about, less so when he talked with the same accent as most everyone else in Axel - the stereotype of Dwarves sounding like slightly more aggressive Scotsmen was sadly a fallacy. But I would fight anyone who said that wasn't the most glorious beard they had ever seen.

Either we had come at a good time or he was suffering a slow day because when we entered the forge was silent, its master idly running an oiled rag over an already spotless blade with quick, efficient movements. At the sound of the door he looked up and set the weapon aside. "Ah welcome, what can I do for you today?" Darkness lifted a sack containing her ruined armour onto the sturdy wooden bench that acted as the sales area. "I need this repaired, please." The sack clanked and jingled as the Dwarf opened it up to sift through the contents, while her armour may not have been literally shattered the depth of some of those cracks should have been termed 'catastrophic failures'. If a car was that badly damaged it would have been a write-off.

While Darkness and the smithy were talking business I decided to take the opportunity to test out some of the blades that had caught my eye. First I grabbed what looked like a typical viking sword and gave it a few test swings - the weight was good but the blade was a big long, making me feel off balance. Maybe something shorter. Just as I was reaching for a short sword with a basket hilt there was an awful clatter of steel on steel loud enough to make me wince. Starting from near the door a rack of swords fell sideways, taking with them a bucket full of spears which in turn knocked a two-sided battleaxe into a suit of plate armour and so on. It was like a medieval Rube Goldberg machine and by the time the dust settled almost a third of the building's stock lay askew, at the origin of it all stood a blue haired goddess who looked at the destruction she had caused before offering an awkward "Um, whoops?" After earnestly apologising on my teammate's behalf and helping pick up every single item that had been knocked over I made Aqua stand by the door lest there be any more accidents.

"Now that that's cleaned up what were you here for, lad?" The Dwarf fixed his shrewd eyes on me. "I'm after some light armour." He looked me up and down, I couldn't tell his age but my gut told me he was experienced, he wouldn't have his own business if he wasn't skilled at his craft. "No shield?" I glanced at a small buckler made from organic-looking overlapped plates of some creature I didn't recognise - this world's version of an armadillo? I shook my head. "Not my style." After looking the inventory from top to bottom and asking a few relevant questions I eventually organised for a leather cuirass to be fitted. For a moment I was worried I'd have to be measured again but the Dwarf simply made a quick note in his ledger, added to that was an archer's bracer for my left arm and gauntlet on the right to complete my order. Since the cabbage reward was still a couple days away I told him I'd be in to pick them up as soon I was able and we shook hands to seal the deal.

His fingers were so short and thick, like five bony sausages wrapped in calluses. "Fred." I blinked. "Sorry?" The Dwarf grunted, his thick orange beard rustling with the motion. "My name's Fred." I smiled and introduced myself, hiding my disappointment. What the hell kind of name for a Dwarf is 'Fred'?

There was only one last thing to take care of before we leave, I turned to my longest-serving companion. "Aqua, did you want any armour?" She wasn't supposed to be a front line fighter but the Archpriest had already proven her willingness to charge in unprepared, the smart thing to do would be prepare her. "Don't be ridiculous," She said whilst showing off the gossamer-thin purple cloth hanging from her shoulders. "This shawl is a holy relic. It prevents all kinds of status effects and is really durable, it's enchanted with all sorts of magic - a precious artifact! What could some Dwarf have that's better than this!" Putting aside the fact that she just insulted an artisan in his own home - well, place of business - if that's such a 'precious artifact' why does she wash it in the same bucket I use to clean my socks and undies then dry it in the stables?

There was one other thing she said that stood out though. "How do you get drunk then?" Mentioning alcohol was always guaranteed to catch Aqua's attention. "What?" She asked, looking thoroughly confused. "You said that ribbon prevents status effects but I've seen you get absolutely paralytic, does it only work on magic effects?" She didn't really have an answer to that and began 'umm'ing and 'ah'ing uncertainly. I thanked Fred for his time and led my team out, taking the muttering bluenette by the arm and leading her along before she said or did something else to make trouble.

The last stop on our shopping spree was a magic item store I had heard about, according to the advice of several adventurers I absolutely needed to see what was inside. They were all male but I wouldn't realise the significance of that just yet.

The markets were having a busy day, Axel's streets had already grown crowded with bodies looking for a bargain or to hawk their wares, I had to stop suddenly when a trio of children raced across our path playing a game only they knew the rules of before disappearing into the throng, darting in between legs and under tables. As my eyes followed their path Aqua felt the need to share her deepest thoughts. "John, I'm bored!" It wasn't even lunch time and she was complaining, with a choice between acknowledgement and sarcasm I chose sarcasm. "Nice to meet you Bored, I'm Johno." That went down as well as could be expected. "You know what I mean!" Of course I did, I'm not the one with the intellect that can be measured in single digits, but that also meant I could understand cause and effect well enough to anticipate how irritating Aqua could become if this kept up, not to mention the trouble she had caused already. "Alright," I said as I fished in my wallet for some thousand Eris notes. "If you're that bored how about you go to the guild and order some lunch, we shouldn't be long." The money was snatched out of my hand before I could finish speaking, my teammate rushing off so quickly I half expected to see a cloud of dust rise in her wake, a head of blue hair quickly receding as she shouted out a half-hearted farewell. "Thanks, bye!" If we got there and there actually was any food waiting for us I would be surprised.

It was a good thing all these stores were in the market district, if we had to travel all across town this would have taken half the day but as it was it took only a short walk to find our final stop on the very edge of the district in front of a street that led to a residential area. The sandstone building waited sandwiched between similar storefronts in a line that stretched across the block, all of them well kept and with expansive lead-lined windows displaying their wares. The only things that set this one apart were the ribbons entwined around the streetlight out front and the wooden sign hanging to the side of the door naming this as 'Wiz's Magic Item Emporium', atop it a thin wrought iron effigy of a witch riding a broomstick that reminded me of the classic Wizard of Oz scene. I wondered if she made the items herself or just bought and resold.

As I opened the door a thought occurred - the ability to craft magic items is a Wizard skill, so if the owner makes their own stock that would mean a kid named Wiz grew up to be a Wizard and sold Wizard-made items to Wizards and non-Wizards alike in Wiz's shop?

Silliness aside we had business to conduct so I walked in, ignoring the chime of the bell announcing our arrival and froze in place when I saw the woman behind the counter. And oh, what a Wiz she was. Thick, luxurious locks of honey-brown hair, enchanting amber eyes, a heart shaped face that I honestly could not pick the age of - like she had reached her prime and simply never left it, and god damn could she fill out a set of robes. "Um, can I help you customer?" Whoops, I must have been staring too long, to my side Darkness was giving me an odd look. At times like this it was best to follow my father's advice - _'If you make a fool of yourself in front of a woman turn it into a joke, or better yet a compliment.'_ Mercifully, a recovery came to mind immediately so I delivered it with my most charming smile. "Sorry, I had heard that this store was run by a beauty but I guess I wasn't prepared for just how beautiful." Rather than blush or giggle the Wizard's face fell into disappointment, I should have gone for the joke.

When she opened her mouth again her voice was flat, I had heard the exact same tone from unenthused fast food workers too many times to count. "Is there anything you're looking for?" Clearly I'd screwed up my first impression, best to abort and go straight to professional and customer speech mode. "Honestly, I have no idea. What would you recommend for a mid to close range fighter, Thief or Archer?" Not always the best idea to tell a salesperson you don't know what you want but I wanted to make up for offending her, thankfully her expression picked up immediately, like Aqua when you decide to end an argument by proposing a round of drinks. "In that case how about this?" She moved to a table covered in an assortment of jewelry, picking up a small unassuming band of gold and offered it for my inspection. "This is a ring of fire detection, it glows red when in a flame."

I waited for the punchline, or at least for her to say 'just kidding' but she just stood there with an eager look on her face, like a child shouting 'lookit what I found' in a public park whilst holding an empty condom wrapper and failing to understand why her parents wouldn't be excited. "It glows red... when you put it in a flame?" She nodded, leaving me to wonder how on earth this store was still open if this was the kind of stock they had. "If I'm wearing a ring that's in a flame I think the fact that my skin's burning would be a big enough sign that I'm near a flame." Her expression crumbled and she morosely returned the ring to its case. It wasn't fair that I should feel bad about this but I did. "Anything else?" She pondered for a moment before her face lit up like a gold miner shouting eureka. "You said you were a Thief? This would be perfect for you." She insisted as she scurried across the floor and presented me with a small flute that appeared to be carved from bone. "The Flute of Invisibility. It renders you completely invisible while being played."

If I was still on Earth this would be the point at which I start looking for the hidden camera, since I wasn't I had no choice but to believe that this beautiful, hopeless shop owner was being serious. "Invisible while being played." I repeated with the most deadpan tone I could manage. "Meaning if I wanted to infiltrate a thieves' hideout for instance, I could start playing and walk past their sentries completely unseen." Wiz gleefully responded in the affirmative, somehow ignoring the fact that humans and most living creatures possess a sense called 'hearing' which would render the 'invisible' point moot. "I think I'll just browse for now." Disappointed, the Wizard acquiesced and returned to her spot behind the counter, watching as Darkness and I made our way around and picking up the odd item to inspect before returning them. It seemed that despite the varied range available all the stock here fell into three categories - 'ineffective'; 'dangerous to the user'; and 'bloody expensive'. The only items I could see any use for were well out of my and I suspect most beginners' price range.

A pleasant scent caught my attention, on the shelf in front of me was a collection of small bottles and several long, thin boxes. Unless my nose was deceiving me these were incense, I picked one up and turned it over, rather than read the label I brought it up to my nose and inhaled deeply. The next thing I knew I was lying on the floor with Darkness and Wiz both looking down on me. I didn't feel lightheaded, my body wasn't injured or exhausted so I was more than a little confused but when I tried asking what happened my jaw was almost completely unresponsive and I could feel my tongue flop around in my mouth like a beached dolphin. Wiz had tears in her eyes, her beautiful face twisted in shame and regret as she apologised. "I'm so sorry! That incense is supposed to help relax the body but it's a little too strong." A little too strong she says when I need Darkness' arm around me to keep upright, and in other news water is kind of wet. Rather than watch Wiz beat herself up I tried to make light of the situation even though my voice still sounded like someone was strangling a sloth. "Well, if I ever have trouble sleeping I know where to come."

It isn't talked about often in stories but shellshock or PTSD as it's known nowadays was something soldiers of all eras had to deal with, a magical sleep aid might be just the thing to silence those night terrors. Or maybe it will just give them a horrifying case of sleep paralysis.

Regaining some strength in my lower body I gently pushed the Crusader away, she watched attentively as I balanced myself by keeping both hands on the table in front of me until I was certain of my recovery. I picked up the box again, making sure to keep it at a safe distance this time. "How long does it burn for?" The answer was three days, I did some quick calculations. "So if I wanted to get a good night's sleep I'd have to cut it into eighths." Or sixths if I wanted a long sleep in. Darkness seemed taken aback by the speed of my deduction, a surprised look was on her face like she was suddenly realising just how little we knew about each other. "Johnathan, do you know arithmetic?" Of course, I had forgotten that public education wasn't a thing in the middle ages, the only people who learned stuff like maths, business or history would be the nobles with their expensive tutors or merchant families. Eventually the latter may be able to purchase a position as the former but that's irrelevant right now. "Yeah, it's pretty common where I come from."

Unfortunately I couldn't find anything in this store that appealed to me, not as an adventurer anyway. But seeing this poor shopkeeper so desperate to make a sale evoked a strong sense of pity, I couldn't help but want to buy something even if it wasn't terribly practical. There was another option though, earlier I had been thinking about tracking down that Wizard I helped during the cabbage harvest - she had gotten separated from her party and was nearly out of mana when I reached her. I wouldn't go so far as to say I saved her life but she was grateful for the assistance, I stayed by her side and took out any cabbages that got too close until her teammates caught up. The original plan had been to ask her to teach me the beginner spells - a favour for a favour but I've got a Wizard right in front of me who seems friendly enough. Why not, the worst she could do is say no.

* * *

Back at the guild and true to form Aqua was laughing uproariously while holding a partially drained mug of some kind of grog, I didn't bother asking what. Opposite her Megumin sat in front of an almost empty plate, pouting at the deposed Goddess and nursing a glass of water. Upon noticing our arrival she perked up, slapping a hand on the table to gain Aqua's attention. I almost expected her to complain about Aqua not allowing her any alcohol but instead she simply asked what had taken us so long - not that it would have done her any good, Darkness and I were unspokenly united in preventing our young teammate from developing a drinking habit. "Sorry, got held up at the item shop." Megumin simply nodded and resumed eating, only a few morsels remained of what was once a generous meal. As I watched her scoop up the last dregs of sauce with a piece of crusty bread I asked something that had been on my mind recently. "Am I the only one in this group that doesn't need a second breakfast to get started?"

Aqua had repeatedly shown the depths of her appetite and not just for booze, Darkness was not large by any means but she had a physically demanding role to play so I could understand her needing to replace the calories she burned however Megumin was a tiny slip of a girl, I was surprised she could even finish one of those plates let alone two. "I require a vast amount of energy to power my Explosion," The Archwizard stated proudly. "In fact, back in my home village I was known as 'Megumin the Black Hole'." With the way she eats I could almost picture that but how in the hell did a middle-ages society even know what a black hole was? Magic requires energy, that was the important bit. Stamina, mana, energy, whatever you call it draws from a person's own reserves and Megumin had both the lowerst physical stats in our party and the highest damage output, we had already seen the results of that. "Megumin, how long have you been casting Explosion for?" Rather than answer like a normal person the tiny Wizard straightened her hat and snatched her staff from where it had been resting next to her, raising it to the heavens. "The legend of my love for explosion began many years ago-" I placed my hand on her staff before she could get started, gently pushing it back down. "No need for the backstory, just a brief timeframe will do thanks." With an irritated glower she muttered out her answer. "A few weeks before we met." Not long then. If Megumin had been using that much magical power for years it might have explained her small stature - the energy she gained from eating and resting continually being consumed by her casting would leave little remaining to grow, like a child athlete put under a strenuous training regimen. But since that wasn't the case her height was probably just genetic, no big deal.

Aqua finally noticed we had arrived and greeted us with an outstretched mug, she was already acting tipsy. "John, Darkness, you made it!" Astounding powers of observation, this girl. She skulled the last of her drink and slammed the empty mug down on the table, the sharp crack briefly drawing the attention of our neighbours who turned back upon seeing it was nothing important. "Now that you're here we can go on a quest." Before I could even offer a reply our Archpriest had stood and made her way to the bounty board, leaving us behind. "Well, someone's eager."

Aqua was staring hard at the assorted flyers, as though she was trying to command the best one to reveal itself through force of will, the rest of us decided that reading would be more effective.

Darkness eagerly suggested we go on a quest to slaughter more giant toads, which Aqua shot down immediately to the Crusader's dismay. She had been so eager to experience what the Archpriest had herself and tried her best to change her mind. "Why not? Toads hate metal and are easy to defeat, their only method of attack is grabbing prey with their tongue. The meat can be sold for easy money. I heard that you can be eaten if your equipment is lacking but as long as you all stay behind me you should be fine." A red flush on the cheeks and excited panting emerged, revealing her true intentions. "Just allow me to receive it all, being swallowed headfirst and covered in slime." A breathy gasp escaped her lips. "If you have to leave me behind it's fine, I would gladly offer up my body so you can escape." I opened my palm to the perverted Crusader. "Create water." A stream of clear liquid splattered on her face, the splash missing the rest of us who had kept a sensible distance after she started talking. If my skill was high enough that I didn't need the incantation I would have used the old classic, 'down girl'. "Any other suggestions?" I asked as Darkness tried to repress a shiver from what could have been the cold but the flushed cheeks and heavy breathing painted a different picture.

Speak of the crimson-eyed devil, Megumin had singled out an even more daunting task. "Johno, this one is perfect!" She declared, and shoved a flyer into my face about a quest to eliminate a griffon and manticore that had been disturbing the area with their repeated battles, making it quite possibly one of the most dangerous quests available. This mission had no less than fifteen skull stamps, that placed it in the 'experienced teams only' class, well outside of our range despite how potentially dangerous our unbalanced party was. We're not tackling anything like that until I'm sure all four of us can handle ourselves.

Aqua's suggestion doesn't even bear mentioning, she simply grabbed the quest with the highest reward she could find and said we should do it. "I think you're all forgetting something," I waited until all three's attention was on me before pointing out the obvious. "Darkness' armour is in the shop, we can't do anything dangerous until it's fixed." The blonde Crusader was currently wearing a short black skirt with a collared button-up shirt, she looked less like an adventurer than an office worker. Or add in a pair of glasses and it could easily pass as a 'sexy librarian/teacher/office worker' costume, not that I was going to let that piece of information escape the confines of my mind.

To my surprise it was Darkness herself who suggested an appropriate quest. "We could take this one, the target is a Zombie Master." A Zombie Master, that was a powerful title, one that invoked the image of a powerful undead scorceror, a necromancer who had toyed with the bonds of life and death for so long that they became something less yet far greater than human. Neither one or the other, they were an abomination in the eyes of God, the zombie alive. Then Darkness explained that a Zombie Master is only a more powerful undead, usually born from the corpse of an adventurer or noble. I wasn't sure if I was relieved or disappointed.

In this world a Zombie Master was the product of the death of a being who had achieved moderate power in life, one that died violently or with regrets that disturbed their rest. If a priest performed the last rites then the soul would move on to the next plane in peace, but without the rites the spirit's unease would fester into an unholy desire to take back the life that had been stolen and general hatred of the living. Unlike normal undead revived in this fashion a Zombie Master retained a semblance of their wisdom and experience. In any undead army normal zombies were the lowest of the low, cannon fodder to soften up the enemy, easily thrown away and replaceable. This made them equivalent to captains, under their command the mindless undead became a significantly greater threat capable of employing rudimentary tactics and arming themselves with the weapons of the fallen. If the Master should happen to have been a Wizard or Priest in their past life they were a threat great enough to wipe out entire villages.

I wasn't keen on the idea but the flyer had only five skull stamps, signifying that the threat of a horrible violent death should be minimal, it was believed that the target was only a minor noble untrained in war and therefore should be an easy victory. After confirming the details with Luna I had to admit the idea had merit. Following the cabbage quest our levels were: Myself at nine, Aqua was two, Megumin seven and Darkness five. Judging by the Crusader's lack of co-ordination I'm surprised she has any levels, either her teammates had been immobilising monsters for her to finish off or she's eaten her way up the ranks. There had to be some foods that were so high in experience points only nobles could afford them.

The girls were eagerly awaiting my acceptance but I took a moment to outline my reasoning. "Aqua's already several levels behind and has the least options for levelling up so we'll be taking these kind of quests occasionally. May as well do it now before we need to." Aqua was nodding while Megumin chewed her lip in worry, she had already correctly surmised that I would be reluctant to allow her to explode a public cemetery. "As long as it pays well I don't mind, but as a Goddess of healing I can't let any undead live." Darkness sent a confused and slightly offended look at the Archpriest. "Goddess?" Megumin spoke up before I could, repeating the story I had told her with only slight embellishments to make it more dramatic, Darkness responded with a pensive "I see." And a look of concern for the Archpriest. Aqua glowered at the Archwizard with a look of pure betrayal.

After telling Megumin and Darkness that we would meet them by the gate at five I dragged Aqua with me to the stables so I could quiz her about the kinds of undead that exist in this world since it was unlikely the 'shoot 'em in the head!' Solanum virus type were to be found and movie rules wouldn't apply. As well as get changed, if we're undertaking our first proper mission as a group I may as well look the part.

It was fairly straight forward, all revenants possessed increased strength and were immune to pain and fear, more powerful ones retained their skill at arms and magic while the most fearsome were creatures that only the most experienced of adventurers could face - monsters that through curse or dark will became immortal undead versions of their former selves. On the plus side magic zombies don't infect with a bite - although an open would can always get infected. Unfortunately that single positive was outweighed by the many negatives.

I resolved that if I ever found myself face to face with an undead dragon I would run like a choirboy from a catholic priest.

Now all that we had to do was make our way to the cemetery outside of town and wait for the undead to show themselves, like all unholy creatures they shun the light of day to hide in dank caves and crypts. Until they decided to make an appearance we had the evening to ourselves.

* * *

So how exactly did that lead to us having a barbie in the middle of the night, who even builds a barbecue in a graveyard anyway? Hell if I know but it smelt bloody delish. With the crackling of the dry wood, sitting around the campfire having a good chat in surprisingly pleasant company and the aroma of grilling meat I could almost believe this was just a normal night out with my mates. Although it was rare to hear such a high voice when I stole what someone had decided was their piece of meat. "Hey! John, I was going to eat that one." I gave a few more chews before letting the delicious morsel go down. "It was on my side of the grill, if you wanted it you should've said so." The young-looking woman grumbled immaturely before aiming her fork directly at the biggest, juiciest looking piece of meat on the grill. The fact that from a certain perspective she was pointing between my legs was pure coincidence. "If anyone tries to take that sausage away from me they'll receive divine punishment!" Darkness who was sitting opposite me suffered a sudden coughing fit saving me the need to comment, instead I tore a bread roll in half then snatched up a cut of meat and a small onion. If only I had thought to bring some cheese, maybe a piece of lettuce and beetroot. No cabbage though, the damn things try to fly away as you eat them.

Actually, you know what? Some potato bake would go down great right now.

Aqua being the lover of alcohol that she is, brought a bottle of wine and was now complaining that it wasn't cold enough to drink, I told her to cool it it down herself and she looked at me like I'd asked her to cut down a tree with a herring. Holding in a sigh - which I had been doing far more often in this world, I retrieved my towel from my pack and soaked it with a quick cast of Create Water then wrapped the damp cloth around the bottle so only the cork was showing, next I placed it on the ground between us. My team watched in confusion - Darkness and Megumin I might be able to understand but Aqua should know this, what kind of water-based deity wouldn't? I cast Freeze and comprehension dawned as the reverse-hot water bottle iced over. "Brilliant." Darkness spoke as Megumin examined the bottle through narrowed eyes that in the dark of night held a dim red glow. "An unexpectedly clever use of elemental magic." I raised an eyebrow, how was that unexpected? "Seems like common sense to me." What else would Freeze be used for besides immobilising a wet enemy? I had a sudden mental image of someone putting on a helmet that had been filled with water, soaking their head and just as they thought that was all - Freeze, you won't be taking that helmet off for a while. I should keep that one in mind.

Eventually dinner disappeared, the wood pile grew smaller and stars began to come out, with no way of knowing exactly how late this mission could run I decided a little pick-me-up was in order. Since the tea bag has yet to be invented in this realm I dumped a teaspoon of leaves in my mug then filled it near to the brim with Create Water and set the clay down on a relatively clean section of the grill so I could wait for it to brew. To my right Megumin held out her mug and asked for some water, I obliged and she raised it to her lips with a thanks only to lower it almost aggressively, splashing some on the fire in her haste. "How is it that you're already so adept at beginner magic?" Demanded the Archwizard, her eyes glowing in intensity, was she jealous? "It's only beginner magic, it's not that complicated. I'm sure you could do the same if you wanted." She brought the mug back to her mouth, hiding half her face as her voice quickly lost its challenging tone. "Yes, of course, if I wanted to. Which I don't." She took a long sip as a wry grin snuck across my face, maybe this could show her there is worthwhile magic besides Explosion. Who knows, we might make a decent mage out of this kid yet.

The beginner magics were simple, simpler than I expected actually, I had honestly thought that the first spells I would learn would be more offensive in nature but they turned out to be basic elemental manipulation. "I'm not sure about this one though." I cast Create Earth, a small pile of sand manifesting in my palm. "Can this actually be used for anything?" Megumin immediately perked up and displayed her Crimson Mazoku education well, explaining how the soil was of high quality and ideal for growing crops - it's part of how her village managed to remain self-sufficient. "What, are you changing jobs to Farmer now, John?" Aqua looked down at me facetiously, which was something of a feat considering we were all sitting down plus she's the second shortest member of the team. I pretended to think it over before replying with my own mocking grin. "With the way you eat I might need to." Which led to some bickering and maybe a little questioning as to Aqua's weight. All in good fun, I swear.

I had almost finished my tea when Aqua's head shot up like a dog whose master said 'walk', I had heard nothing and my Danger Sense was silent so at first I thought it might be unimportant. A thought that proven wrong when she hissed out a warning. "Something's here." An instant later a bright blue glow appeared on the other side of the graveyard, it appears our target had made its move. With my Hide skill applied to all four of us we snuck through the stone memorials, up the gentle slope and peered over the crest to observe whatever magic ritual was taking place. A short wrought iron fence separated this part from the rest of the graveyard and there in the centre of a ring of gravestones stood a cloaked and hooded figure, at their feet was arrayed the second greatest magic circle I had ever seen.

The greatest was of course the one that sent me to this world.

I had taken the lead, instructing the others to stay behind me and keep quiet, we watched as several shambling corpses approached the figure, it stood unafraid and even without the magic circle that was enough proof that this was our target. The closest zombie reached the edge of the circle and to my surprise they began to glow with the same bright blue light that had drawn our attention, I heard Aqua gasp as their forms quickly crumbled into nothingness until all that was left was a shining image that looked eerily like a face drawn by a child as it rose towards the sky and disappeared. By the time the first soul vanished more undead had entered the circle, why was this happening? Why would a powerful undead kill the weaker ones? It wasn't absorbing them obviously, if it were they would flow into it instead of dissipating like a will o' the wisp in daylight. Something was not right here.

Evidently Aqua agreed and with a scream of divine fury launched herself out of cover at the spectacle below us. A curse escaped me as the Goddess used her high stat bearing body to cover the entire distance in a single leap, landing inside the magic circle. The figure at its centre barely escaped Aqua's wrath as her fist, wrapped in holy light impacted the ground she had stood on only a second before, the movement displaced their cloak enough that we could make out the features beneath as we arrived at a more rational pace. Brunette hair, a heart-shaped face and enchanting amber eyes that right now were locked on Aqua in fear and confusion. The Goddess glared at our apparent enemy, ocean blue eyes alight with a hateful loathing I had never seen from her before, then instead of attacking with a God Blow, Requiem, or anything from the Priest skill tree she turned around and began stomping on the glowing lines that made up the sigil. "How dare a Lich create this circle, you're just begging to be purified!" Oh, shit.

A Lich, I knew that term, in fact there shouldn't be a gamer that doesn't. An undead sorcerer who achieved power beyond mortal reckoning and became an affront to the gods, there was no way any such creature could be less than a boss character - a goddamn Overlord. How the hell did we stumble upon one this early in the game?!

But somehow, even though Aqua had attacked her and disrupted the ritual I couldn't sense any threat from the woman, even as she awkwardly got to her feet and threw herself at Aqua, wrapping her arms around the Goddess' slender waist and pleaded for her to stop what she was doing. Praying that I wasn't making a terrible mistake I sheathed my sword and forced the two apart, at my back Aqua was furiously trying to get around me, demanding that I allow her to purify this 'filthy undead'. As I looked upon the face of the woman who had essentially brought us here recognition appeared in her eyes. "Wiz, would you mind explaining what the hell is going on?" The desperate store owner averted her gaze but nodded.

I had to threaten to order Darkness to physically hold Aqua back so the Lich could talk without squealing in fear but gradually we learned the how and why of what had happened here. The simple answer was that the poorer citizens of Axel couldn't afford the rates that the local priests charge and were thus bumped down the queue to wait their turn. They weren't completely forgotten, last rites are a necessary service after all but with wealthier estates offering their coin it wasn't unheard of for the peasantry to have to wait months before their spirits were sent on their way. Maybe. If they were lucky. And if this wasn't bad enough a small group of priests have been sneaking into the cemetery at night and attempting to posthumously convert the dead to the worship of a different goddess.

Just as I was wondering who would be insane and disrespectful enough to do that Aqua offered a contrary opinion. "Well what's wrong with that? Everyone should follow the tenets of the church of Axis, in fact you should be thanking my children for saving them from that arrogant Eris." Darkness was not impressed by this statement, and Wiz who had been afraid of Aqua before now stared at the Goddess in near terror. "Y-You mean that you're the head of the Axis church?" Aqua's self-important attitude grew even more pronounced as she looked at her enemy like she was something to be scraped off her shoe and declared with a pose worthy of Megumin. "I am no mere Archpriest, the one who stands before you is none other than the Goddess Aqua herself!" Our teammates watched nonplussed as the fearsome Lich used me as a shield to protect herself from the blue-haired Archpriest, peeking around me as her formerly silvery voice squeaked in mortal fear. "Please don't purify me! I only came here to help out these poor people, I've never even hurt a human I swear!"

I had heard enough. "No one's purifying anyone!" There was a window of brief, blessed silence after my shout, which quickly ended as Aqua demanded to know why. "Dammit Aqua just shut up for a minute, if she attacks me THEN you can purify her but until then just please be quiet!" I don't often snap at her, even though I've had ample reasons to so thankfully this was enough to still her tongue for a short while at least. Although she did begin watching Wiz like a corrupt cop in a made for TV movie, just waiting for an excuse.

I took a breath and counted to ten before fixing Wiz with what was probably a harsher glare than I intended. "Wiz, if you're just here to send off the dead then why are zombies rising?" Out of the corner of my eye I saw Aqua's wrathful expression turn almost malicious, I had never seen her like this before and I sure as hell didn't care for it. "I'm not doing it on purpose," Explained the Lich. "It's just because they're reacting to my magic as an undead that those poor kids are waking up." Like attracts like. That makes sense, it would also explain why in stories a powerful undead, demon or whatever kind of beast would be surrounded by weaker monsters of its kind - they weren't literally its underlings, they were simply following a greater being instinctively. Which meant that as long as she kept coming back the undead here would keep rising, leaving us in a pickle.

A solution presented itself. "So as long as the dead around here get sent along you won't have any reason to come back, right?" The undead lady nodded, hopeful curiosity written across her face. "Yes, if the souls wandering around here are sent to Heaven there would be no reason to." I nodded and turned to my Archpriest, she had stopped trying to force her way past Darkness and now was glaring at the brown-haired woman like she was trying to will her to spontaneously combust. "Congratulations Aqua, you just volunteered." She blinked distractedly before turning her gaze to me. "What?" I gave her a smile worthy of a used car salesman as I explained her new duty. "Once a week you will come to this graveyard and send the dead on their way." As she opened her mouth to protest I sweetened the deal. "And for your selfless act I will shout you a drink every time." Her mouth snapped shut as she looked at me challengingly. "Ten drinks." I folded my arms. "One." Undaunted, she tried to bargain. "Eight drinks." I shook my head. "One." Her voice grew less confident. "Five drinks?" I hummed to make it seem like I was giving it some real thought, Aqua's face lit up in anticipation. "Three, final offer." Her eyes widened greedily. "Deal!"

I turned back to Wiz who was staring at Aqua and I like she didn't know how to react to what was happening. I empathize, I really do. "There you go, all taken care of." Just as a relieved smile began to peek out of her face I heard the sound of cracking knuckles behind me and a disturbingly ominous tone. "Yep, I'll take care of it... starting now" I spun around, an order to stop on my lips too slow to prevent anything. "Turn Undead!" Twice in one night a magic circle blazed to life in the graveyard, one by a Lich of surprisingly good character; the second by a Goddess of drunken foolishness. Unlike the former this one burned in the sky just above its creator's hand, covering a space easily twice that of the one that had been carved in the ground. Holy light spread outwards almost blindingly bright, cleansing the land of anything that lacked a pulse including spirit, zombie and Lich. I couldn't see it past my own closed eyes but I could hear the reanimated corpses giving off their death rattles and standing out amongst them was the sound of a woman screaming.

Normally I like to think I'm a gentle person, kind and patient, but this was the last straw and with a sound that was half spell, half curse word I hit the Goddess in the face with a spout of water as thick as a tree branch. Who would have thought the first time I use magic in combat it would be against my own party. As she sputtered and coughed her focus was broken, the magic circle fading from the sky as if it had never been there. I glanced at Wiz to see if she was still in one piece, she was but her entire form - clothes and all was faded like a shirt that had been hung out in the sun for too long. "Can you stand?" I offered my hand to her, ignoring my teammates' warnings - not just Aqua but Darkness and Megumin also, telling me to stop, not to touch her but I knew better. If she had meant us any harm at all tonight my Danger Sense would have gone off, it hadn't. Their voices fell to hushed silence as Wiz placed her hand in mine, her skin was cool to the touch, not cold or clammy like I half expected and she managed to stand with only a small noise of exertion. "Go home, or wherever, I'll deal with this idiot." Slow at first but gaining speed, the undead woman scurried off with only a single look back before turning and disappearing into the night as Aqua watched in impotent wrath.

Aqua was less than impressed about my act of mercy and demanded that we go and hunt that 'filthy lich' down, I didn't wait for her to finish. "Shut. Up." I knew that she held a lot of loathing for the undead, the feelings had been so blatant when we talked earlier a deaf and blind man could have sensed it but I didn't think she would go so far as to disobey my orders. To be honest I wasn't that surprised but I was still ticked off.

The Goddess' face was pinched in indignation at my response, her normally pleasant voice turned to the shrill squawk of a minor banshee. "What!? How dare you-" My hand covered her mouth, not gently but with barely repressed anger, a part of me took a vindictive pleasure at the shocked squeak she made at the change to my usual accommodating manner, including the threatening growl I used. "I am only going to tell you this once," I said as I lowered my shoulders, leaning forward till I could see my own face reflected in the eyes of this arrogant brat. "You do not kill anyone or anything without my say so, is that clear?" I stood up straight, keeping my grip as I looked at Megumin who had been uncharacteristically silent then Darkness - the former watching me warily, the latter with the ambivalence of confusion and mounting excitement.

Did they even understand why I was angry? Probably not, concepts like 'sentient rights' and the Geneva Convention were total unknowns here. Even if Wiz is an undead she's already proven that she's a person and not some senseless monster but how do I explain that to people who have spent their whole lives being taught that with the exception of a few humanoid races 'non-human' means 'evil'. "We are adventurers, not murderers. Anyone who doesn't like that can piss off back to whatever rock they crawled out from." I turned back to give Aqua one last glare before releasing her, without giving her a chance to retaliate I spun around and began herding my foolish teammates back to town. "Come on, we've wasted enough time here already." Leaving Aqua the choice of staying here alone or following she chose to follow in an unexpected but thankfully subdued manner.

After myself Darkness was the second-most willing to let Wiz go, but it was still a struggle between her sense of compassion and her sense of duty. "Johnathan," I grunted to let her know I was listening but not in the mood to argue. She continued in a soft, uncertain tone. "I think I understand how you feel but is it really alright to let a lich go?" Further behind us Aqua's petulant voice sounded. "No, it isn't!" I repressed a small noise of exertion as I jumped the short fence we had hidden behind only minutes ago, before turning so I could look the Crusader in the eyes. "Would you murder someone just because their name was on the bounty board?" The direct question startled her, bright blue eyes reflecting inward as she considered. I didn't wait for the answer. "If you do, then what's the difference between you and some assassin." Darkness' mouth opened in denial but no sound came out, it seems I made my point so I turned around and continued walking.

A cold wind gusted through the graveyard, reminding me that the days may be pleasant but at night the temperature dropped quickly, the sooner we were out of this dismal place the better.

* * *

Despite a brief delay as Darkness ducked off to pay her respects at a small mausoleum in the graveyard's wealthy quarter we made it back to Axel proper in time to see the sun rise in the East. Rather than head back to the stables we decided to hand in the quest first, leaving us the whole day free to ourselves.

At the guild, even though the mission specifically stated Zombie Master I was able to convince Luna that the undead were the result of Axis cultists interfering with the deceased. Aqua took exception to this, claiming that at no point had her children done anything wrong and who wants to see Eris anyway? As a result the reward wasn't quite as high as we had hoped due to the missing bounty but the zombies tallied on Aqua's adventurer card were proof enough for the guild. Another quest technically complete and a potential ally found so I suppose we could call the last twenty-four hours a win.

Now I needed to get to bed before I collapsed, all-nighters are not my cup of tea.


	5. Chapter 5

_Trees and Slime_

I wish I could accurately describe how incredible magic is. To wax poetic on the feeling of having a new sense awaken, of discovering a light of power within yourself, a source of strength and infinite possibility that can be focused and moulded in so many different ways. To put it simply: magic is friggin' awesome. I should know, I've spent the last few days practicing it.

I was sitting at an otherwise empty table in the guild hall, clear of food or drink, before me an empty glass sat patiently. The first step was to feel the mana inside of me and then convert it to the required element, more advanced spells would then require focusing or directing the element into certain shapes and motions but beginner's magic stopped at the basics. I formed as small an amount of mana I could manage to the desired element and pushed it out the tip of my left index finger. "Tinder." A minute flame barely larger than a lighter ignited, it felt like I was getting the hang of this. Releasing the spell I focused on a different element, casting Create Water and watching with pride as the glass filled with the life-giving liquid. I cut off the flow and drank my fill, it was good but not pure, the crimson neroid I had earlier left just enough residue behind to barely influence the taste.

I still have no idea what a 'Neroid' is supposed to be, what I do know is it's sweet, fizzy and it goes down like a greased oyster.

Along with the fire and water spells I had learned there were Freeze, Wind Breath and Create Earth to round out the beginner's magic. Four elements plus a cold effect, that's fairly standard for videogame magic but it was only the beginning, the intermediate spells were significantly upgraded. Fireball, Blade of Wind, Freezing Gust, Lightning, Wind Curtain, Sleep, Paralyze and Flash - best not to practice these indoors. Most of them were self-explanatory with the exception of Flash, the blurb on my card described it as 'a blinding flash of light'. From the name alone it could have been a flashbang to blind or holy magic to harm undead, but if that were the case a skill like that should lay in the Priest's province.

As I was thinking I heard the voice of my party's newest member call out to me. Darkness was approaching decked out in the same armour she had worn when we met, last time I saw that it was cracked and broken. Fred did good work I'll give him that, if I hadn't seen the state her gear was in after the harvest I would think it hadn't been damaged at all. "Look Johnathan, my armour feels like it is brand new. What do you think?" She asked proudly, the only thing missing was a twirl to show herself off from all angles. "You look great." A pleased smile graced her features before I turned my attention back to the card in my hand. "And the armour's not bad either." Despite the fact that she hadn't managed to hit any cabbages with her sword, enough had battered themselves to death on her body to earn a decent sized reward. Iron defense indeed.

She wasn't the only one with an improved wardrobe, I myself had come to the guild bright and early to pick up my reward before heading to the blacksmith's to collect my order. The new and improved Johnathan Kilroy now sported leather armour, modern (medieval) fashion, excluding the boots and my father's hat and a simple pendant to improve my spellcasting. That one was an impulse buy, I had accompanied Megumin to a magic item store she had chosen to spend her reward at and found the little trinket in a display case of nearly identical amulets. The weight of the armour would take a little getting used to but I could live with that, it actually feels lighter worn than when you pick it up. I'm sure that will change once I've worn it for half a day or more.

The sounds being made by my youngest teammate nearby ensured I wouldn't be able to regain my train of thought, I put my card away to the siren song of panting jailbait. "Haah, ah, incredible, so powerful." Darkness and I turned to where Megumin was appreciating the fruits of our first group quest. A fair number of vegetables had been caught in the blast but with the damage they took I don't know how much reward she would have received. Clearly it was enough to upgrade her staff, the manatite orb nestled in its crook had changed from blue to red and now the girl could barely go five minutes without admiring it. Or polishing it. Or rubbing it against herself. I'm almost certain I saw her lick it once.

"Megumin, do you and the staff want some privacy?"

Between myself and these two, three of us were satisfied with our rewards from the cabbage harvest. The last member on the other hand was less than pleased, we learned this when a shrill voice pierced through the guild's relaxed, jovial air. "What is the meaning of this!? Do you know how many cabbages I caught!" Like always she was the last one awake and had only come to collect her reward after the rest of us had already collected ours and began spending, but now Aqua was furiously shaking the receptionist by her shirt as she subjected the poor woman to a truly award-worthy dummy spit. Despite this Luna showed far more patience and respect than the fallen Goddess deserved. "I'm sorry Lady Aqua, but what you caught was mostly lettuce." Apologizing despite the fact that she had done nothing wrong, I can admire that kind of self control. It was true that lettuce was nowhere near as valuable as the more sought after cabbages though I'll be buggered if I knew where those had come from, I didn't catch a single one out of over a hundred. Who says luck has no value for an adventurer.

Having given up with harassing poor Luna Aqua turned around and stalked off, then she saw me and plastered a fake smile onto her face, prancing the rest of the way with false cheer. "Say John, not that it matters but how much did you get from the cabbages?" Here we go, I didn't need a high Intelligence to know what Aqua was after. "Well I caught a little over a hundred so you do the math." I was tempted to lie and tell her I had gotten less, short term that might have been in my best interest but if you can't trust your teammates... Maybe I should have lied.

It took a moment for the gears in Aqua's head to turn, but when they stopped she stared at me like I had just discovered the alchemical secret to making gold. What was the opposite of aghast? Thrilled or something, but she was in too much shock to express it properly and instead blurted out the worst thing she could. "T-TEN MILLION?!" Her shriek brought the guild to a halt, even the servers froze. I made sure that my own response echoed in the sudden quiet. "What! How did you even get that number!?" Aqua's low intelligence rears its head once again, in both her mathematics and common sense - I could hardly believe even she was stupid enough to scream our - or rather my wealth in a public place.

Some days this girl was like a hydra of stupidity, you try to teach her something and she either forgets or ignores it and then demonstrates her ineptitude elsewhere.

"Bit over half a million." I cupped my hand next to my mouth and spoke in falsetto, hoping against hope she didn't scream that out as well. It was more money than I had ever seen in one place before, I only wish I had that kind of cash back on Earth - I could have easily bought a modest home and still had enough for a new second-hand car plus some left over for emergencies.

It was also a lie, over a hundred cabbages worth ten thousand Eris each left me with more than one million in the bank but like hell was I going to tell her that now.

Aqua raised a leg over the bench and sat down straddling it, with all the grace and subtlety of the spoilt teenage girl she resembled the goddess leant towards me, close enough that I could smell her natural perfume. She fluttered her eyes coquettishly and spoke in a soft, coy voice. "You know, I never thanked you properly for staying with me all this time." I sighed, cutting her off before this went too far. I had no desire to see a Goddess' impression of a gold digger or deadbeat relative that just heard you won the lottery. "Don't bother, just tell me how much you need and why." Relief and not even a hint of shame flooded her features, the least she could do is look contrite. "One hundred thousand Eris." That was a lot more than I expected. "Because?" The light left her eyes, head drooping down so that long blue hair obscured her face as she mumbled a response. I cupped my ear and hummed inquisitively, waiting for her to repeat herself and in a small, defeated voice she said one word. "Lettuce." I shook my head. "I heard that," In fact the entire guild heard that. "I'm asking what the hell you spent a hundred thousand on." Aqua had been partying it up in the guild these past few nights but even she couldn't spend that much on alcohol, surely. "I thought I would make heaps so I treated everyone to drinks and took out a huge loan, now they're saying I have to pay it back!" Yes, that's generally what happens when you take a loan but why did she have to shout the others? They caught their own bloody cabbages, they can buy their own drinks. "I'll do it on one condition." Aqua clapped her hands and cheered. "Yes! I knew I could count on you John." Then the second half of my sentence registered. "Wait, condition?" I nodded. "Admit you stole my bikkies and apologise."

When I went to sleep our third night in this world I had half a packet of choc chip biscuits left, when I woke up I had an empty packet and some crumbs. And Aqua, the blue-haired brat, had the gall to accuse rats of being the culprit. "I- I don't know what you're talking about." Blue eyes looked away, refusing to meet my gaze in the most typical behaviour of gutless denial, I crossed my arms and made certain my voice was sufficiently dismissive. "Well I hope you're ready to start working off your debt then, maybe if you wash ten million plates they'll let you off the hook."

To cut a stupid story short Aqua paid off her bar tab, a great number of lettuce were disposed of and I considered telling the waitstaff to put Aqua's food - and only food - on my tab until her savings improved but then I remembered how much she eats and decided she could pay for herself.

With all of that out of the way it was time to pick a quest, without even looking at the board Darkness again suggested hunting giant toads which Aqua once more adamantly refused to even consider. Poor Darkness, if only she was in a team with people as reckless and foolish as she was. I would hate to be a member of that party. "Come on," I said, placing a hand on Aqua's shoulder. "There's gotta be something you can agree on." Megumin was the first to pitch her case. "We should go on a kill quest, one with lots of small fries to explode." She brought her staff close to her face and began rubbing her cheek on the red gem again. "I want to test out the power of my new staff." She declared breathily. Darkness in response drew her sword in a defensive stance. "No, one with strong monsters that strike with a heavy, pleasing blow." The thought alone was enough to make her start panting in excitement. Aqua, for whatever reason raised her fists like she was posing for the cover of a book on pugilism, "No, we should do a profitable quest. I paid my tab so I can't even afford to eat today!" Five hundred Eris says she doesn't learn from that.

So from the trio we wanted a quest that had a high reward, with lots of small fries to be incinerated and powerful creatures that hit hard. As the only person in this party with an ounce of common sense I exercised my right to overrule any stupid ideas and chose a quest to cut down some poisonous trees in the forest. Sounds easy enough and the reward was decent as long as we return any axes and saws the guild provided us with in good condition.

I took in the faces of the three, brimming with confidence and undoubtedly ready for the day ahead. "You all ready?" A trio of nods responded in the affirmative. "Let's get moving then." This wasn't our first real mission as a team but I found myself just as excited as before. Adventure, excitement and wealth, this was the life.

* * *

The forest outside town was a source of many things for Axel - lumber for building, meat and herbs to supplement the farmers, reagents for potion brewing. But there was an insidious type of pest that when sufficiently entrenched could wreak havoc upon this city's way of life. Agil Trees.

They weren't actually a monster but the poisonous sap that escaped from even the tiniest scratch on the tree's bark would cause an unbearably irritating condition on human skin and if you're foolish enough to ingest any then you had best pray healing is nearby. Were this the only problem it would be a small matter, however the Agil Tree's greatest threat lay in their ability to move - they couldn't pull up their roots and walk like an Ent, thank the heavens but when approached by any sufficiently large animal the limbs of these plants are known to flail around with enough force to knock a man in armour head over heels. Or pick up an unwary traveler in the lighter branches before they are unceremoniously thrown aside.

We had been travelling for a short time in the woods, enjoying the cool shade as well as the scents and sounds of nature. The path we walked along had been trod by the lumberjacks weeks ago, before the reason for this quest had been discovered so it was easily wide enough for the four of us to walk side by side. For some reason I had 'We're Off to See the Wizard' going through my head, the road wasn't even yellow. Soon enough we found our destination, a clearing easily the size of a football field consisting of churned up soil and some recently made stumps. No tents, but there was a fireplace someone had taken the effort dig out and line with rocks that lay abandoned and cold despite the copper pot still hanging from a trivet. Either these people had left in a hurry or they intended to come back as soon as the quest was complete.

At the edge of the clearing stood our first target, easily recognisable by its grey sickly-looking bark and bright purple leaves. Standard practice for lumberjacks was to inform the guild as soon as an Agil Tree was encountered and wait for confirmation of their destruction, meaning that if there's one in sight there are more beyond the tree line. It wasn't known how they accomplished it but these noxious flora always grew in packs and never within several metres of each other so we would have to go off the beaten track to find them all. Or at least enough that the workers could return.

My plan was to use Wind Blade to sever the lower branches and allow Darkness to hack away until the wretched things were reduced to stumps, naturally things did not progress that smoothly. After Darkness' and my combined efforts had felled several trees I felt a change in the tingling of my Danger Sense - unlike Darkness who felt the tingling of the Agil leaves she had stuffed inside her clothing, damned masochist. Something was approaching so I ordered the party back to the clearing so we could fight uninhibited.

We waited anxiously for our enemies to show themselves, the minutes ticking by as slow as molasses until someone's patience snapped. "This is ridiculous, are they coming or not!?" Aqua looked at me accusingly, somehow deciding it was my fault that whatever monster had triggered my sixth sense was taking its sweet time. "Are you sure you didn't imagine it, let's just go back." The feeling had faded as we made distance but not disappeared, growing steadily stronger as time passed. "Stay where you are, they're almost here." They were close, I couldn't tell specifically but whatever it was was nearby and constantly getting closer. Aqua grumbled but followed orders, Darkness was brandishing her sword eagerly and Megumin was ready to start chanting at a moment's notice. Finally I spied movement in the treeline. "Darkness, ready to defend! Aqua, cast buffs! Megumin, don't fire until my..." My enthusiasm petered out when an amorphous shape oozed its way into the clearing. "Oh, nevermind."

What a disappointment, I had gotten all worked up and it was just a few slimes.

With a sigh I walked past Darkness who would have been our first line of defense. "Johnathan, what are you doing?" Unlike me she still stood at the ready, her form tensed in anticipation of a battle that was not to come. "It's only slimes, we'll just kill them and get back to work." From this close my sixth sense was like having a car horn go off inside your head, an irritating blare that lasted longer than it had any right to. I grit my teeth and swung the sword down into the figure of the slime as it trembled on the grass like dropped jelly, the crafted steel sunk into the monster with next to no resistance.

That was where things started to go wrong.

Rather than split apart or diffuse into a watery syrup the viscous body of the monster began to ooze its way up the blade, the water-tight suction too strong to pull it free forcing me to let go before I joined it in the sticky trap. "What the hell kind of slime is this?" I backed away, watching my sword begin to corrode into a barely recognisable hunk of steel, the wooden hilt breaking down in seconds before the main mass slowly grew etched and pitted from its acidic prison. From further behind our youngest member spoke up, her voice tinged with incredulity. "Slimes are immune to physical attacks, don't you know anything Johno?"

Madness. First it's incompetent gods, then flying cabbages and now slimes that are immune to normal attacks? Does nothing I know from video games work here? "John, stop daydreaming!" Aqua's outburst came at the same moment that my sixth sense spiked.

A tendril formed from the slime's body and quickly expanded in my direction, catching me as I attempted to dodge and wrapped around my leg just below the knee, forming a seamless loop as it joined with itself. I felt the grip tighten to the point of pain before my leg started burning, the outside membrane that made up the monster's skin was less corrosive than its inner but by no means harmless.

"Johnathan!" A flurry of movement from my left brought Darkness into view, her sword already moving to free me from the slime's grasp. "If you will attack anyone foul slime, let it be me!" Deadly steel forged by a master of the craft cut cleanly through the earth over a foot away from where I stood, missing the slime and I entirely. Points for initiative, negative for competency.

If steel and teammates don't work then I would need to find something that would. "Freeze!" The tendril froze almost instantly as it was showered with gale of sub-zero wind, my left hand moved to the slime's main body as I maintained the spell, patches of ice quickly forming on its surface as it suffered the onslaught. The pain of my leg should have been distracting but instead I found myself viciously focused as the monster quivered and shrank in on itself like a balloon in liquid nitrogen, attempting to condense its form to protect the vulnerable core. It was fruitless, the patches of ice that pockmarked its surface quickly spread until the slime was covered in ice and frost, I waited until I was certain it was dead before relenting and then gave it a kick for good measure. The residue left on my leg continued to burn until I cast the beginner water magic to rinse it off, the pant leg went with it, fibres so badly corroded they revealed a broad pink ring where the outer layers of skin had dissolved to show the raw flesh underneath. It looked like I had been ringbarked. With gritted teeth at the stinging pain I hobbled away from the site. "Aqua, heal!" As the soothing magic washed over me I took a deep breath and looked around to see how my team was doing.

Aqua and Megumin were well behind me, far from the tree line for their own safety, Darkness on the other hand was still by my side, looking regretfully at the fresh slime-sicle as her sword drooped from unclenched fingers. "Did you have to kill it?" I glared at her in angry disbelief. "Yes, I did actually. And I'm fine, thanks for your bloody concern." Her eyes widened for a second before her features twisted in shame, sparkling blue growing dull. "I- I am sorry, I only meant-" "Save it." I interrupted, ignoring how shame and excitement battled for dominance in her expression at my harsh tone, her hands came together and began fidgeting making her almost look like nervous girl rather than the armoured knight she was supposed to be. "We've got more incoming."

From the woods more had appeared, oozing and blubbering their way into the clearing, four so far with who knows how many more on the way. Normally I'd tell her to take the two on the right while I dealt with the two on the left but without magic Darkness would be easy prey and while this pervert might enjoy the thought of being caught and digested by monsters, some of us possess a little something called survival instincts. "Johnathan, stay behind me this time." As she spoke the Crusader moved to cover my front, her shorter and narrower frame doing little to make me feel safe.

Fine, I'll just shoot around her.

A half step to the left and a moment of focus. "Don't move." Darkness' head turned in my direction slightly at the order, catching a glimpse of my outstretched palm before she nodded in understanding. "Lightning!" An arc of charged ions thundered the short distance to its target, the slime had no time to react before it exploded, the instant boiling of its liquid body rupturing its form from the inside out just like a tree struck by lightning. I probably should have expected that. Various sized droplets of discoloured goo were scattered across a short area, the smell of grass dissolving in acid was a new sensation but one I decided I could do without. Most likely a fireball would have a similar effect, in that case best to change elements.

The next closest slime had reached the point the second one had died and flinched backwards at contact before seemingly changing its mind and spreading outwards to cover as much of the corpse as it could. "Blade of Wind!" By expanding its body the core was brought even closer to the surface, the small discoloured patch stood out easily in the midday sun allowing me to target it directly. The monster's body parted like the Red Sea as the spell impacted its viscous form, joining its brother or whatever genderless pronoun it preferred in death.

This could work. I began dispatching monsters one after another, reminding the supporters to watch their backs as Darkness acted as my human shield, almost without need since the slimes were slow enough that they died almost as quickly as they appeared. But as I was busy dealing with the closest ones those further back were behaving oddly.

The puddle of bodies had been steadily rising, the first few slain quickly grew to over a dozen, some of them close enough that a child could leap from one to the other like they were playing in pools of rainwater after a storm. At first it was one, blubbering its way from one corpse to the next, before I realised what it was doing it had already doubled in size. As I cast another wind blade that just missed a slime's core a second had consumed enough spilled ooze to grow to match it. As a third began to grow they started squabbling among themselves, jiggling and making noises somewhere between a bowl of dropped jelly and a whoopee cushion.

By the time I had finished off the last attacker Darkness had amassed a small collection of acid burns, her armour caught a good deal of it but our Crusader was still covered in patches of dissolved clothing and reddened skin, her much higher defence rendering an attack that could have crippled me as a mere irritation. Now there was only the gluttons to deal with.

In hindsight it was stupid of me to let them get that large but videogame tactics were quite insistent on taking out the small fries before dealing with the more dangerous enemies. Letting yourself get swarmed while you focus on the big guy was a rookie mistake, one I had seen happen far too often in zombie shooters. This time I cursed my cautious nature as I watched what I had once thought were mostly harmless mobs become something out of a horror movie. The old kind, with the really bad props and rubber costumes.

What had once been a trio of oversized slimes had been reduced to two, the larger one nearly triple its counterpart in mass and volume as they struggled for dominance like a massive aged seal challenged by a smaller and younger male. Movements that should have looked slow and clumsy, almost humourous were instead an unsettling display of size and power. First the larger one sent out dozens of tendrils, feeling around the battlefield as well as slurping up any remaining patches of monster juice. The smaller one was touched by several and after having its exterior pulled away at each like the skin that had formed over a cold bowl of soup that latches onto a spoon it decided to run rather than fight. Each point of contact snapped back like a rubberband breaking in slow motion as it sacrificed patches of its exterior, the deep pockmarks filling in rapidly as it attempted to escape. Unwilling to admit defeat so easily the larger slime started raising itself up, drawing in its bodymass and pushing it upwards like a pimple ready to burst. Once it reached the point it appeared it was ready to topple over, unable to support its own weight the slime lurched in the direction of the smaller one, the top three feet of its narrowed bulk slamming down like a leather belt on an outstretched palm. The smaller slime tried to fight back, forming its own tendrils that desperately suckled at the larger foe but it was for naught, its entire body was overtaken and drawn into the discoloured blob. Its core was quickly lost in the dense mass, too deep to see with the naked eye.

I swallowed through a suddenly dry throat as the massive form began to slurp and burble its way towards us, all my instincts both new and old screaming at me to run. It was the size of a garage now, nearly twice my height and who knows how many times the weight, its movements as slow and implacable as an iceberg. Suddenly I knew why moviegoers decades ago were terrified of red slime.

Until now Aqua and Megumin had been fairly quiet, the latter calling out advice or encouragement and the former casting Nature's Beauty - don't ask me why, but at least she hasn't gotten herself eaten again. Now the Archwizard's voice called out loud and strong, joyful excitement echoing throughout the clearing. "Johno it's mine, let me blow it up!" I admit I was getting tired from all this spellwork however allowing her to let loose with an Explosion was the last resort for good reason, and not just to protect my eardrums. "Not yet, wait for it to get closer." I could have phrased that better, I meant that I didn't want her magic to flatten the trees or start a massive bushfire but the others looked at me like I had just said something crazy.

I placed my hand on the collar of Darkness' armour and began leading her away from the massive slime. "Back up, quickly." I walked backwards myself, half of my body outside the Crusader's line of defence as I resumed casting. "Blade of Wind." A burst of air pressure lanced out to our enemy and carved a deep gouge in its surface that filled in almost as quickly as it appeared, there was no way I could kill it with that. "Freezing Gust." A gale of wind far stronger than the one I used against the first slime battered the massive figure, ice forming on its bulk as I felt my already reduced mana level become nearly depleted. I held up the spell until my arm grew heavy and began taking in deep lungfuls of air, hoping that had at least done some damage.

Even though it had several large patches of ice covering its body from this side, the largest the size of a door, the creature continued to approach, heedless of what should have caused frostbite if not hypothermia on a human. As I watched its outer skin bulged around the impromptu shell, seeping between narrow gaps and drawing the smaller icicles in whole, the moisture condensed from the air and solidified just another snack to this mindless eating machine.

Nothing. Nothing I had could stop this monster, but before I could consider giving up it attacked, a tendril as thick as my leg formed and speared towards us. Darkness was slower than me to react but her greater strength allowed her to resist my attempt to push both of us out of the way and instead knocked me aside with one arm. "Look out!" I hit the ground roughly, knowing that I would be bruised tomorrow unless I asked Aqua for healing. The slime had managed to catch Darkness right in the centre of her breastplate and immediately expanded to cover her torso, the lethal mass inching its way up her neck. No amount of Vitality could save from suffocation, I pushed past the exhaustion creeping up on me and unleashed another wind blade, separating the liquid tentacle from its main body. The acidic mass, no longer connected to anything resembling a brain was rendered inert and ceased its upward flow, surrendering to gravity's rule as it seeped down Darkness' heaving chest leaving soiled, partly digested cloth and pitted steel in its wake.

I lifted myself from the ground, abandoning caution and grabbed Darkness by the shoulder, pulling her away from the monster that had almost done us both in, telling her to run as I turned my attention to our teammates. Aqua was several paces behind Megumin and looking like she was having flashbacks to the giant toad debacle, the Archwizard's expression was slightly concerned, mostly excited as she stroked her staff absentmindedly, eagerly anticipating the fury she was about to unleash. "Megumin, let him have it!" With childlike glee she pulled off her eyepatch, twin crimson pools faintly glowing in the day's light.

As Megumin began chanting we crossed the short distance between us, Aqua rinsing Darkness off then casting Heal as soon as we got close. I ignored the Crusader's disappointed sigh as I listened to the incantation, I had used up most of my energy fighting those slimes and then bursting into a run didn't help but merely being in the presence of so much mana in the air was making me feel slightly re-energized... Wait, aren't we too close?

"Explosion!"

* * *

It was as a thoroughly tired and filthy bedraggled mess we made our way back to the guild, leaving a trail of muddy footprints through Axel. My steps were slow and unsteady with the added weight of the petite Archwizard on my back, both of us having exhausted our mana while Aqua and Darkness trotted along easily. Dousing the scattered fires from the blast had little effect on the goddess' reserves and the Crusader despite her injuries had done the least work of all of us. The further we got into town however the more Darkness tensed up, her colour which should have been the healthy pink of freshly healed skin grew redder as she started fidgeting. "People are staring." It was true, we had gathered a bit of attention since we got back but the blonde Crusader was definitely the biggest spectacle, she flinched at the harsh crack of skin on skin as a passerby slapped her male companion for staring.

I didn't blame him, if I saw a beautiful woman wearing an armoured tank top and half skirt it'd catch my eye too.

After the giant slime was dealt with and we had the chance to regain our bearings we discovered that the greatest casualty apart from the forest had been Darkness' clothing, her bodysuit and tabard were ruined leaving only scraps of yellow and black cloth and the pieces of armour. Aqua had healed the damaged skin but couldn't do much for her clothes, the top half was covered by the moulded breastplate but from the waist down Darkness had only tassets, greaves and sabatons to cover her modesty. I offered to lend her my pants but she blushed so hard it took enough blood from her brain to leave her a stuttering mess so instead I took off the short cloak hanging over my shoulders and threw it at her. Megumin's full cloak would have covered more lengthwise but was a little too narrow to properly cover Darkness' wider frame, as it was the cloth's uneven shape left one leg bare from the thigh down in a tantalizing view.

A pair of petite hands tightened on my shoulders as my cargo brought her face into view. "What are you looking at, Johno?" A sternly disapproving gaze directed itself at me. "Nothing much." I lied as my thoughts swam with images of healthy skin, wide hips and a toned waist just begging to have its contours traced. Crimson eyes narrowed in suspicion then widened suddenly, a startled 'eep' escaping her as I returned the girl to her original position with a quick jerk of my shoulders.

Despite suggestions for her to go home and find something a little more proper to wear Darkness came with us all the way to the guild, opening the door with gusto as Aqua tried once again to tame her disheveled hair and I waited with my arms full of Archwizard. She stood a moment in the open doorway, cheeks flush and body trembling before she was pushed aside as our Archpriest claimed a table and loudly demanded service. As I walked past her I caught the quiet sound of muttering about whether it was better to be stared at or ignored.

After parking Megumin at an unoccupied seat I collected my party's cards and approached the guild counter, Luna greeted me with a welcoming smile. "Removal of Agil trees complete." She chose not to comment on my appearance, bless her and politely received our cards to confirm that the quest had been completed. "Is there any bounty on slimes?" They weren't part of the quest but killing a monster that dangerous had to be worth something. "Yes," Luna replied. "Fifty thousand Eris per core." I handed over the sodden bag containing the few cores that had survived the blast. They were alchemical reagents according to Megumin, she also mentioned that the body itself can be used for food but didn't go into details. Maybe that's where the fizziness in neroid comes from.

When she saw the number of monsters that I had dealt with however her expression changed, worry and maybe a hint of fear clouded her pretty features, under her breath she muttered "Again?" When Megumin's card was read a pair of blonde eyebrows nearly reached her hairline. "Something wrong?" Quickly returning to her professional mask Luna gave a practiced smile and assured me that everything was in order.

I returned to the table carrying four coin pouches, the two smaller ones were placed in front of Aqua and Darkness while the largest pouch went to Megumin, the fourth made a home in my pocket. Aqua glared at her reward then at ours, petulance incarnate. "Why do I get less money?" She whined like a child begging in the supermarket checkout. "Because we agreed to split the quest rewards equally and the bounties to whoever earned them. It was your idea, remember?" She had insisted on it after we regrouped following the cabbage harvest, I don't know the other two's reasons for agreeing but I saw no need to rock the boat and allowed it. The fallen goddess grumbled but had no grounds to argue as she opened the small pouch and began counting its contents like a miser, muttering to herself.

A yawn cracked my jaw, I lay my head down on folded arms before yawning again, silently complaining about being forced to act as the pack mule when I was already drained. "Was that normal?" I asked after moment of reflection. "What do you mean?" The Archwizard at my side responded, the other half of our team too distracted by their own issues. "I mean a bunch of slimes voltronning into a bloody-great megaslime." Voltron is now a verb.

Despite being confused by the unfamiliar term Megumin did her best to answer my question. "A slime grows larger the more it eats, depending on the quality of the material. While ordinary plants and animals would only sustain them, high-class foods including other monsters and even adventurers can greatly increase their evolution, supposedly one of the Demon King's Generals is a slime that evolved to human-like intelligence." An intelligent slime, that was a disturbing thought, a monster that could only be harmed by magic and theoretically able to morph its body into any shape would make a dangerous opponent. "What was strange was the number. Slimes are usually solitary creatures so cases of cannibalism are rarely seen but something forced that many into the open."

Strange indeed, but I don't know enough to make any sort of judgement so the best we could do was make sure we're prepared next time we went out, which first meant getting Darkness into some proper clothes. That pervert had gotten so excited about being ogled that I pitied whoever had to clean that seat after her.

* * *

That was a lot less missions than usual.

The next day we had returned to the guild. Personally I wasn't hurting for cash but Aqua and Megumin both insisted, one because she had spent all her eris on drinks last night and the other eager for an opportunity to cast her magic again. Unfortunately the selection of quests was decidedly lacklustre, most days one could be assured of several new missions on the board but today there was only a small collection of the same ones that had been available yesterday, the high risk - high rewards type that few parties in a beginner town like Axel had the desire or ability to undertake.

"This one! Johnathan, I want to take this quest." Darkness had singled out a post calling for the extermination of a creature called Black Fang, a massive beast that had been terrorizing a local farmer's livestock. "Too dangerous." The paper had been stamped with a red skull eighteen times so I refused it completely, Darkness pouted and tried to convince me but I was resolute. "It's weird though, why are there only the hardest ones available?"

From behind the counter Luna approached, her unfortunate duty to be the bearer of bad news. "I am very sorry," Her dulcet tones explaining the cause behind our and every adventurer in Axel's recent bad luck. "The truth is, recently one of the Demon King's generals has moved nearby. As a result all of the weaker monsters have gone into hiding so there has been a sharp decline in the number of requests." This was the exact opposite of good news.

"So what you're saying is..." Megumin's voice was low, the wide brim of her oversized hat casting her features into shadow, suddenly her head snapped up, crimson eyes burning as she rose her staff aloft. "A great and terrible force has awakened, the earth burns and the seas rage at its passing! This land's only hope is a group of hapless warriors lead by the most powerful Explosion Wizard to ever hold a staff!" Not the way I would have phrased it but she almost had one point right. If some higher level monster had wandered close to Axel that would certainly be a reason for the locals to be on edge, seeking safety in numbers or huddling in their warrens until the threat passed, hoping it would eat something else.

"And why the hell would you be the leader?" I asked as I reached for the top of her head, pulling the hat down to obscure her vision. She jerked it back up, scowling at the treatment. "The smartest is always the leader, obviously." Her childish voice making what should have been insufferable arrogance into the adorable naivete of the young.

 _She thinks she's the smartest, isn't that precious? Let's put all her artwork on the fridge._

"Is that so?" I asked as I reached for my adventurer's card, perusing its contents with false nonchalance. "Well, I guess you could be second in command." Making a sound like a startled bird, Megumin reached for my card and caught only air as I repeatedly raised it higher like a game of keep-away. Scowling at the childish treatment she unleashed a merciless kick to the shin that my sixth sense tried to warn me about but was ignored, foolishly thinking that there was nothing to be worried about. With her target secure Megumin read my card for the second time, the level jump I got from the slimes yesterday had put me even further ahead of the rest of the party, the Adventurer class' rapid growth in action once again.

Like a sulking child who had to get the last word in Megumin pushed the card back into my hands, making a single petulant retort. "My magic's still higher." That may be true however we are definitely not deciding leadership through power alone, if we did it would put Aqua in charge and nobody wants to see that.

Thanking Luna for the info we retreated to the table we had so recently vacated, some of us more disappointed than others, complaining and dragging their feet as we wondered what on earth we would do in the coming weeks as we waited for a subjugation force to arrive from the capital and hopefully send this general packing.

* * *

 **A.N.**

 **I just wanted to say thank you for all the follows and faves, your encouragement keeps me coming back to complete the chapters rather than just jot down ideas for scenes and then forget them. (It's shameful, I've got almost a dozen notepads on my desk full of ideas that I haven't gone through and typed out. Hell, I've had an idea for a Zero no Tsukaima fic for a decade that I haven't done anything with)** **I meant to have this chapter out over the Easter long weekend but life happened, as it does. As it is this chapter was meant to be longer but I cut it short after realising I had already hit nine thousand words so the bit before the Dullahan makes his appearance will come next chapter now.**

 **And in response to your question HaveBookWillTravel, the reason the main character is called by his full name, shortened or nickname usually depends on who is talking to him. Aqua being so informal uses John, Megumin thanks to her penchant for weird names uses Johno and Darkness with her noble upbringing uses the full Johnathan. I thought it would fit their characters as well as help the reader know who's talking when I don't make it obvious** **And yes shortening a word and adding 'O' is common in the Australian vernacular, e.g. your car registration is 'rego', the bottle-shop (liquor store) is the bottle-o and an ambulance is the ambo. The fact that Megumin and all Crimson Mazoku look Asian will be explained later when they get to her home village but isn't really important story-wise. If you've read the light novels you can probably guess.**


	6. Chapter 6

Routine Interrupted

* * *

 _We wondered what on earth we would do in the coming weeks as we waited for a subjugation force to arrive from the capital and hopefully send this general packing._

* * *

Aqua was forced to find part time work, she ended up spruiking for traders in the marketplace in between shifts with the builders. Their workload had slowed down now that no one was firing explosion magic right outside the town but a city the size of Axel needed a good amount of maintenance so there was always another job lined up.

Darkness returned to her family home, claiming she would be doing strength and endurance training until the situation changed. We bid our recently made friend farewell and hoped she would come back to us soon, she could have at least told us where she lived in case we needed her.

Megumin and I had the most free time, myself due to the rewards I had recently acquired negating the need for a job and her seemingly unwilling to look for one. Thus I found myself escorting the dainty yet destructive Archwizard so she could practice her magic, walking side by side as we strode along the road that lead south from Axel.

Eventually we passed the farmland that ringed the city walls, leaving behind the fields of crops and grazing animals and nearing the patch of woods that marked the end of private land and the beginning of crown land. Ironically it was probably safer walking outside Axel now that the monsters were in hiding from this unknown General. Still, we made sure to stick to the road, not wanting a repeat of the slime incident and were just entering the forest when I asked how far she was planning to go. Megumin held her staff against herself protectively, a faint tinge of red on her cheeks. "If I use my magic too close to town again the guards said they won't let me back in." Come to think of it, I had noticed the guards watching her with a leery gaze as we entered and exited the town. How many times had she done this, just gone outside to cast Explosion for the sake of Explosion.

It was a good day, the skies were clear and the air was pure, a light breeze carrying the sounds of nature while on a peaceful bushwalk. It might seem strange coming from someone who was basically shanghai'd into coming here but I quite liked this world, how often back home would I have the opportunity to... was that a castle?

On a not too distant plateau stood an ancient stone keep, ruined and derelict, its condition noticeable even from this distance. There were holes in the roof scattered here and there where tiles had either fallen off or collapsed inwards, several large patches of green where moss and vines had staked their claim and from this side I could see one tower stood at a fraction of its former height with its spire reduced to rubble. Megumin and I made our way closer until we stood on a crest before the road winded down the valley and split, the left path leading to who knows where, the right presumably to the castle. It was a steep incline but the place was well positioned with good visibility, only one means of access unless you wanted to try your luck climbing the ragged cliff face. If it wasn't for the existence of magic I'd call it nigh unassailable.

My companion gazed at the fortification with wide eyes, pointing her staff enthusiastically. "I've found it! My target today will be that castle." Something about this was familiar, I was almost certain I had overheard some adventurers talking about some abandoned castle outside of town that had been taken over by undead, if this was that castle then surely no one would object if it received the odd dose of cleansing fire. "All right, but if it turns out someone owns this we were never here." Megumin waved off my comment like it was nothing, her eagerness overpowering any kind of concern she should have had. "It'll be fine, no one will complain if I obliterate that."

With her usual theatrical air Megumin started chanting, the air beginning to thrum with magic power. "Crimson-black blaze, king of myriad worlds, though I promulgate the laws of nature I am the alias of destruction incarnate, in accordance with the principles of all creation." As the Archwizard aimed her staff at the target a magic circle burned in the air like liquid fire. A second one appeared at her feet, a seven-pointed star inside a whirlpool of crimson and gold fury. "Let the hammer of eternity descend unto me! Explosion!"

The shockwave hit just as I caught Megumin's exhausted body, the spell once again draining her entire store of energy. In a weakened voice I would have missed were I much further away she muttered a final epithet. "Burn to ashes within the crimson." What a nerd. Gently I shifted her to my back, making sure she was steady before I started the return trip to Axel. As I was wondering how I was supposed to carry a staff with both hands occupied I felt a breath whisper against the back of my neck. "This the best." For her perhaps.

After the overwhelming noise of an explosion the forest seemed quieter than ever, any wild beasts or monsters nearby had probably fled in all directions or huddled even deeper in their holes thinking the rapture had come. "That wasn't your usual bit, was it?" I had seen Megumin cast her trademark spell a few times now but this was the first I had heard of that particular incantation. The faintest of voices answered, her weak and unresponsive body preventing from doing any more. "Creativity and style are the lifeblood of the Crimson Mazoku." Creativity. Does that mean that the invocations used in spells aren't actually part of the spell structure, they're just a mnemonic or chant used to focus power and intent? Still so much to learn.

The dirt road leading to Axel crunched underfoot as we made our way back. "What the hell does 'promulgate' mean, anyway?"

* * *

The second night of what I will call our forced vacation ended like usual with myself, Aqua and Megumin resting in the stables. I had bought a second blanket so we had separate bedding finally, Darkness may have been for it and I don't think Aqua cares either way but I wasn't quite comfortable with the sleeping arrangements. I can only imagine how someone like Megumin's parents would react if they found out their little girl was sleeping with a man she only just met. The Archwizard was already conked out on her and Aqua's blanket, only myself and the Goddess were still awake. I was absently stretching out of lack of anything practical to do while Aqua was working on something by candlelight, it looked like she was making fake flowers out of coloured paper. And whingeing about the lack of missions.

"I don't care if he's a demon or undead or whatever, if he shows up I'll hit him with a God Blow so strong his grandparents will feel it." Maybe she could, but I'd hate to see what will happen to Axel should a goddess and a demon general fight.

With a triumphant hum Aqua turned around to display the fruits of her labour. "Look at this, isn't it pretty?" A flawless pink rose, handcrafted from stem to stamen was held in front of my face, I took it gently and turned it over in my hands, examining the fragile object. "You do good work." I moved to hand it back then thought better and tucked it behind her ear, the colour complimenting her hair well. "She's a beauty." She giggled and turned back to the wooden crate acting as a workbench, deft hands assembling the next one. "I bet I can sell these for a lot." She was going to sell them? I thought it was just a hobby to keep her occupied.

* * *

Another day, another explosion. Despite my better judgement I continued to act as Megumin's escort for her daily casting, if only for the sake of making sure she doesn't wander off on her own and get eaten while laying helpless. With that out of the way we had the rest of the day to ourselves, Darkness was still at her family's place and Aqua was doing odd jobs to support her nightly one-woman bacchanalias.

I was enjoying a slice of foxberry cheesecake - it was delicious, as long as you don't think about where the berries come from - when we were joined by a blue-haired young woman who threw herself into a chair with a huff that would have made a soap opera star green with envy. Wordlessly I slid the remainder of my cake over, Aqua swallowed it in two bites and reached for my drink. "Bad day at the office?" Aqua's latest get rich quick scheme was simple, people in medieval societies often lack clean water, as the goddess of water it was child's play for her to conjure up as much as she wants or to quickly purify what was already there. She'd pranked me a few times like that, looking forward to a cold drink at the end of the day and suddenly, water! Cheeky brat.

"It isn't fair!" She whined, after slurping down my entire mug of tea. "I'm the actual goddess of water but people would rather get it from some failure of a wizard!" As it turns out Axel already had someone magicing up water and he was popular enough that people called him a saint, the Saint of Water, and unlike the goddess he asked for nothing but accepted donations of coin or even food. "Remind me, how much were you charging per bottle?" Aqua puffed herself up obstinately, unbothered by the fact that the first people she tried to sell that overpriced crap to were her own teammates. "A mere ten thousand eris, that's a bargain considering the quality." Greedy little sod, she was lucky that she wasn't run out of town for that kind of scam. "You know I can make water too, right? Why would anyone pay for something when they can get it for free?" Despite what I thought was a logical argument she continued unabated. "But this is so much better! A goddess' water is pure and refreshing, it can even cure wounds!"

Like health potion? The potions I had seen so far ranged from not cheap to sell a kidney expensive, if Aqua could really supply us with something that useful... "Here, I'll show you." Unconsciously my right hand twitched to the side, narrowly missed by a cake fork that punctured the tablecloth beneath. I glared at the pair of bright blue eyes that shone with naive light. "Did you just try to stab me!?" She huffed, unapologetically. "I just wanted to show you how good my holy water is." Do I look like Darkness to her, I'm not going to let myself get jabbed just so Aqua can stroke her inflated ego. Instead I pointed to the underside of my chin where a small red patch had been since early in the morning. "I nicked myself shaving, why didn't you think to use that instead?" Something I had picked up after my windfall was one of the old straight razors, despite their fearsome appearance I only managed to cut myself about three times more often than normal.

After pouring some of her water onto a folded napkin Aqua dabbed at the spot on my chin. The pale cloth came away red at first before she turned that corner over and continued wiping with uncharacteristic gentleness, this time the fabric only gained a tinge of pink, the third time it came back clean. I turned to the Archwizard who had so far remained silent. "How's it look?" Despite slowly managing to down her own food and drink Megumin had regained little of her usual energy, red eyes peered listlessly up at my jaw before looking away in disinterest. "Healed." The answer was short and curt, clearly she needed more rest.

My fingers brushed across what only a minute ago had been a shallow injury and was now freshly healed skin, contemplating. I turned back to our Archpriest who was waiting for praise and acknowledgement. "From now on I want everyone in the group to carry a bottle of holy water." As Aqua's eyes widened in satisfaction, mistakenly assuming that meant we would be paying her for said holy water, Megumin spoke up again. "Impossible, as I was a god of destruction in my past life the power of an inferior goddess would react violently with my soul's container." Claiming to be a deity now? Aqua was a bad influence on this girl. "What do you mean 'inferior'!?" The fact that she was now shouting at a semi-comatose young woman was proof of that.

I reached over and took the opened bottle from Aqua's grasp before tilting it over the distracted Archwizard's exposed neck. "Is that so?" The shriek she made may have gotten us kicked out of the cafe but it was worth it.

* * *

For two weeks straight this routine continued - we would walk out, Megumin would cast explosion and I would carry her back. Sometimes I would use the time to exercise or practice my own magic as she lay immobile, occasionally I even brought lunch and we had an informal little picnic with just the two of us. But eventually, like always, I would dust myself off and pick up the young girl to make our way back to town.

Today I had rested Megumin against a tree on the edge of the path as I practiced wind magic, after my reserves had dropped to what I judged was about half I decided to call it a day. "All right Megsy, time to make tracks." A pair of crimson eyes gazed at me in annoyance. "'Megsy'? Who gave you permission to infantilize my name like that?" I stopped, tilting my head to the side in mock confusion. "Aw, and I thought we were getting so close." She looked away, a delightful shade of red coming to her pale cheeks, I graciously decided not to comment on it.

Megumin stumbled over her words at first but recovered, attempting to take back control of the conversation. "W-well, you've seen plenty of Explosion lately, would you consider learning it yourself?" I blinked, considering who I was talking to that shouldn't have been surprising but the question had managed to catch me off guard. "Well it is impressive, but it's not really my style." Even if I wanted to learn it the cost was ridiculous, fifty skill points according to her, it would take months for me to save that many points while still keeping my skills up. "The only reason I can think to use that would be as a last resort attack." The Archwizard watched from the ground as I spread my legs, lowered my shoulders as if I were exhausted and spoke in a rough, defiant voice. "When you get to hell, tell them Johno sent you!" Boom, just like in the movies.

"You would have made a decent Crimson Mazoku." Megumin was looking away, the oversized hat once again hiding her features but I had a strong suspicion she was still blushing, I chuckled. "Come on Megsy, let's get you home." This time she didn't comment.

* * *

I suspected that my total lack of experience with magic was actually beneficial - because I was unaccustomed to the presence of mana in my body I was more aware of it, like how someone who had spent the first part of their life deaf before being graced with the gift of hearing might pay attention to subtle sounds and noises that others would instinctively tune out. I felt the mana move within myself, willed it direction and form, from my left palm emerged a flow of water as thick as my thumb. If physics had its say the liquid would splash onto the floor of the stable to be absorbed by the soil and hay but it was kept aloft by the slightest trickle of focused mana.

This may have been a little easier if I used my dominant hand but it was important to learn the same way I would be fighting, that meant steel in the right hand and magic in the left. Keeping focus I moved my arm, the tendril of water following the movement like a limp snake, the form swaying with the motion but remaining intact. Buoyed by the success I began swinging the proto water whip to and fro, admiring the sinuous form as it cut through the evening air. At that moment my concentration slipped as with a hearty "I'm back!" Aqua entered our 'room' carrying a large wooden bowl piled high with an assortment of food. The sound of splashing water startled the cat that had been using my lap as a bed, it tensed and dashed away leaving me with some shallow pricks through the cloth of my pants. Considering that this experiment lasted longer than three seconds I decided to call it a success.

Aqua looked around the stable curiously before asking where Megumin was, our third member unlike the two of us didn't spend every night together, instead occasionally heading off after dinner claiming that she was going to stay with a friend but never elaborated or tried to introduce them. After the third time I decided if she didn't want us to meet her 'friend' I would respect her wishes, as long as she came back in the morning safe and sound that was good enough for me.

I suspected that half the reason she took off is because she's frustrated that castle is still standing despite being hit by Explosion so many times.

Slightly disappointed, the goddess set the overladen bowl down on an upturned crate that served as a table as I fetched the travel cutlery. "Where'd you get this from?" I asked, hungrily eyeing a fried egg on top of a pile of potatoes and suddenly wishing I had a bottle of barbecue sauce. "The restaurant on fifth street, she said I could take this home since I only broke three plates today." Aqua explained proudly. Three plates in a six hour shift, I guess that's an accomplishment for some. "Well, good on ya." Free food is almost always good food after all.

* * *

The next morning Megumin and I were waiting for breakfast to digest in the guild hall, our hope that some new quests had been posted if only for something to break the monotony were sadly in vain. Aqua had to leave for her morning job waiting tables at some cafe I hadn't been to yet, I'm sure she'd tell me if the food and drink were any good.

My companion was toying with her scraps while glancing towards the kitchen, silently pondering whether or not she should order another plate when the guild's doors opened. Framed in the morning light was a figure I hadn't seen for a short while, her eyes searched the building before settling on us and with a smile as bright as the sunrise made her way here. I waved but waited until she had passed the first few tables before speaking, not wanting to shout in the still-quiet building even though rowdy mayhem seemed to be guild's standard atmosphere. "Hey, welcome back." Darkness greeted the two of us like dear old friends reunited, the warmth in her voice was surprising but by no means unwelcome. "Johnathan, Megumin, it is good to see you again." I patted the bench to my left and waited for her to sit before asking what she had been up to, the Crusader daintily brushed her tabard back so she could rest comfortably as we got reacquainted.

Before she could open her mouth Megumin spoke, her red eyes peering almost accusingly at our teammate. "What brought you back, it hasn't been that long." Darkness' face twisted like she had bitten something sour, her regal features conveying her distaste for her circumstances as clearly as a neon sign. "My father chose to bring up the idea of marriage again, so I gave him a good thrashing and decided to return." I hope she meant a verbal thrashing, the idea of someone as tough as Darkness beating up an old man was unsettling. Maybe I could have considered the fact that she was so focused on being an adventurer as a positive but attacking family is something I just can't condone.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by Darkness' father's attitude, the middle ages weren't known for their long lifespans and consequently people in that time tended to marry young. That reminded me that Megumin had referred to herself as an adult some time ago, briefly I considered asking Darkness how old she was but decided against it. The last thing I wanted right now was for her to give me a thrashing too.

The subject changed quickly after that, Megumin explained what we had been up to and I filled in the gaps with anecdotes or explanations of what Aqua had been doing with herself. I was right, Darkness seemed disappointed that I had bought a separate blanket for myself but laughed (somewhat uneasily) when I described the silly little get-rich-quick schemes the fallen goddess tried to pull.

"The next thing I knew, Aqua throws the bloody thing at the poor bloke and demands he give her the first prize instead." I mimed the act, rearing my arm back as though I was about to throw a stone like a biblical peasant trying to take down a giant. Darkness' eyes grew wide in disbelief as she hid her mouth behind a hand, shocked at the goddess' brazen behaviour in contrast to my own humour. Not that I was laughing when she did it of course, I'm not a sociopath. Across the table Megumin shook her head in confusion. "I don't understand, if it was such a valuable magic item why was she upset?" I wasn't sure how or even if I should explain why a twentieth century mobile phone was useless in this world, thankfully before I could try to answer every conversation in the guild was stilled as Luna's amplified voice echoed through the hall.

"Emergency! Emergency! All adventurers please arm yourselves and assemble at the South gate as quickly as possible!"

Unlike the emergency cabbage harvest there was no sign of eagerness in Axel's adventurers, they were as surprised by this as I was meaning this was most likely an actual threat to the town. My teammates looked at me for instruction as Luna lowered the magic megaphone. Darkness was wearing her full kit and Megumin only needed her staff but I had foregone armour, believing it unnecessary when I was only going to escort the Archwizard on another explosion jaunt. At my waist hung a sabre to replace the sword that was eaten by a slime - I had chosen it due to a recently learned preference for single-edged swords, the double-edged one I couldn't help but feel was a liability to myself. Aqua's absence was a large concern but the announcement should be repeated throughout the town soon, I could only hope she heard it and came on her own.

Resolutely, I stood from the bench and addressed my team. "You heard her, let's move."

* * *

Beyond Axel's gates an ominous figure loomed, a crash of lighting striking the earth behind it in seeming announcement of its presence as the assembled adventurers stood in awe. Dark and heavy plate armour covered his body, a massive sword was slung across the saddle of the black horse he rode, not a beast of burden but a true creature bred for war. A royal blue cape billowed in the wind, totally unlike a tiny Archwizard's posturing which was only an affectation of the aura of power and authority this being commanded.

In my peripheral vision I saw a barbarian wielding a battle axe with a head the size of a barrel take a step back in fear. "That's no laughing matter." If I wasn't standing here myself I might have said it was. I mean, I could believe that dullahans were real here but was the headless horse really necessary? It could've been a skeleton, or a zombie or any kind of infernal creature. Some people are just so unimaginative. And why the hell did it have reins? They weren't even attached to anything, just floating in the air above its neck like its head was invisible. For a fraction of a second I wondered if someone had cast an invisibility spell on a normal horse just so they matched.

The being spoke in a deep, booming voice that silenced the fearful murmurs of the adventurers. "My name is Verdia, General of the Demon King's army." To my right Darkness stiffened, a glance showing her tense expression. She wasn't the only one, all around us bodies shook, skin turned pale and I almost imagined I could hear hundreds of throats close in fear. "I claimed residence of a castle nearby recently." A flash of shock shot through me and a gasp from my left revealed Megumin had reached the same conclusion. The helmet clasped under his left arm trembled in rage as his volume raised into a thundering echo. "Who is the deranged lunatic that keeps attacking my home with explosion magic," His arm shot upwards as his scream reached a crescendo, burning cold eyes glaring at all of us as one. "TELL ME!" He roared as the armoured steed reared back in response to its master's rage, punctuated by another bolt of lightning from the dark clouds that hung overhead.

We are so dead.

Around us the locals of Axel began muttering amongst themselves, trying to figure out who could be responsible for bringing this spectre of death upon them. Since the lunatic in question was capable of using Explosion there was only one obvious suspect and one by one every eye turned to face us. Every accusing stare aimed directly at the Crimson Mazoku at my side, Megumin looked around desperately for a way out before her slumping in on herself, hopelessly. A nervous sweat burst out of her skin as the young girl began trembling. I placed my hand on her narrow shoulder and she jumped in shock before realising it was only me. I swallowed my fear and tried to sound as reassuring as possible. "Just stay here, I'll take care of it."

The crowd of adventurers parted like the Red Sea as I made my way forward, the sixth sense I had received from Aqua was a constant thrum at the base of my skull. This monster could kill me like a lion pouncing on a defenceless rabbit, I could sense it, but if the choice was myself or a friend there was only one path I could take. "Johnathan?" From behind I heard Darkness' concern, echoed a second later. "Megumin?" A glance back showed that despite her fear the Explosion wizard had decided to join me in my death march, damn fool. Darkness didn't hesitate to follow.

With one hand on my blade for the mental security I led the diminutive Archwizard and beautiful Crusader, I hoped it looked impressive because on the inside I was shitting bricks. Three abreast we approached the Demon King's general, a being likely as strong as the Lich we had encountered in the graveyard and that we never actually fought against. Briefly I remembered the story of the rock and the whirlpool before our path terminated at the base of the small hillock our executioner stood upon.

Even talking at a normal volume the dullahan's voice echoed with power. "So it was you three." As he continued however his tone became less sonorous and more exasperated. "You're the imbeciles who fired explosion magic at my home day after day, after day, AFTER DAY?! If you think you can challenge me just because I came to this low level area then come do it face to face!" As he ranted his manner became less and less composed to the point his arms were waving about so harshly he lost grip of his head for a moment before catching it. Underneath, his fearsome steed lowered its neck to the ground as though it was grazing then remembered it didn't have a mouth to eat with and returned upright. "I can't even enjoy a glass of wine without an explosion going off in my face, explain your dishonourable behaviour! Did you think that because I left this town of rookies alone you were invincible and decided run out and cast explosion after explosion, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" He ended with head outstretched in his left arm, eyes alight with madness.

As much as I wanted to ask how he ate or drank with his head the way it was, I instead took a deep breath and opened my mouth, hoping that responding with courtesy might calm him down slightly. "My name is-" "My name is Megumin!" In a voice louder and more fierce than she had ever used the Archwizard tried to hide her fear behind a wall of bravado just like she attempted to hide her body behind mine, sticking only her head out to speak her piece. "An Archwizard who commands Explosion magic and the greatest wizard in this city!" She could think on her feet, I'll give Megumin that, but revealing yourself to a creature many levels superior to yours in this world can be a fatal error. Also, brave or cowardly, if she could pick one that would be great. "'The greatest wizard in the city'?" I shushed Darkness, the General had no way of knowing that Explosion was her only spell.

It appeared he also had little patience for games. "What kind of name is 'Megumin', are you mocking me?!" Five minutes ago the dullahan had seemed like an impossible adversary, now it just seemed like two idiots arguing. "Do you have a problem with the name my parents gave me!? For a Crimson Mazoku being called Verdia would be much more embarrassing!" The undead paused at that, lifting his head closer to take another look at the girl. "Oh, you're one of that troublesome clan." Some of the anger bled out of him at that, his voice returning to somewhere above calm but below furious, a tired kind of anger. "Listen girl, I will be staying in that castle until my investigation is complete so don't cast explosion on it again, understood?"

Just as I had a brief glimmer of hope that we may all get out of this in one piece the instigator of all this trouble raised her voice defiantly. "Impossible, we Crimson Mazoku must cast Explosion once a day or-" And was roughly silenced as I put my hand over her mouth, she stared at me indignantly and mumbled out something unrecognizable. I ignored it and attempted to placate the monster at our doorstep. "Thank you for your mercy, Lord Verdia. I will make sure my -AGH!" I broke off in a pained shout as I pulled my hand away from Megumin's face. "Why the frig did you bite me!?" There were teeth marks in my fingers, the little shit had bitten down hard enough to leave teeth marks!

The crimson maniac actually had the audacity to glare at me before she turned back to the dullahan, pointing at him with her staff. "Hear this, I have decided that your castle shall be destroyed by Explosion and I never go back on my word for that is my way of Magic!" As her declaration faded into the morning air no living thing made a sound, each and every one of us struck dumb by the madness that this deluded Archwizard would rather risk all of our lives than move her daily casting somewhere else. The General's ire was so deep his next words made an order of execution seem warm and festive in comparison. "As a knight in my past life I do not enjoy crushing the weak, but if you insist on continuing to cause trouble for me..." He rose his free hand, pointing at the target of his wrath with a single armoured digit.

At that moment I finally heard that blessed voice I had been waiting for. "You're the one causing trouble!" Pushing her way through the throng of onlookers, Aqua appeared just in the nick of time. Her blue hair shining like a beacon, I could almost ignore the fact that she was wearing a maid outfit. What the hell kind of cafe did she work at? If we weren't in so much trouble I might have asked where it is and when are they open.

Uncaring of her outfit, the goddess marched directly towards the undead, continuing her accusations. "Because of you we can't find good work! But since you were stupid enough to come out during the day-" Aqua calling someone else stupid, that's the pot calling the kettle blue. "Then I'll just send you onto your next life!" Verdia looked her up and down appraisingly, not at all concerned that someone else from the town of rookies had threatened him. "You are dressed oddly for a Priest, if you are one." She sputtered at his dismissive tone, angrily insisting that she was an Archpriest in fact, not some lowly Priest. The General was not impressed. "Fool, Archpriest or not there is no way I could be defeated by some nobody from the town of beginners!"

Having dismissed her utterly Verdia then turned his attention back to the thorn in his side. "And as for you, crimson girl, your fate has been decided!" A dark energy began to coalesce around the dullahan's right hand, the miasma wafting in unseen arcane winds as he made his proclamation. "You are sentenced to death." The magic focused into an amorphous shape no larger than a sparrow as it darted towards the young wizard, as unforgiving as a bullet although nowhere near as fast.

With my sixth sense roaring in my ears I grabbed hold of my teammate and spun, covering her body with my own, crimson eyes had just enough time to look up at me in shock before from the corner there was a flash of yellow. The noise inside my head fell silent the exact moment that a scream burst from the throat of our saviour. I had never heard Darkness scream before, not when she was black and blue from the cabbages, not when her body was riddled with acid burns, not until now.

Her entire from was covered in a black aura, as dark as the very flames of hell before they moved with a life of their own, forming an ethereal skull with eyes as deep and colder than oblivion itself. The mark of death hung over her for several seconds before fading, seeping into the noble young woman's body like water into sand, leaving her seemingly untouched as she collapsed to her knees. "Darkness!" In a flurry of movement the three of us had surrounded her, one on each side and myself in between our friend and our enemy protectively, for all the good it would do. I could hear Megumin's plaintive cries as I stared down the Dullahan, he merely sat there as unconcerned by the sword pointed unsteadily at him as a wolf if it were threatened by an ant. I wished my hands would stop shaking.

For a minute the only sound was of Megumin's apologies to the Crusader, a litany that ended when against all reason our teammate spoke, shocked and breathless but alive. "I... I am unharmed?" The relief that flooded through me when I heard Darkness' voice was almost overwhelming, but I didn't dare look away from Verdia.

As the undead knight's laughter echoed darkly at our friend's sacrifice I felt my teeth clench in impotent rage. "Not what I had intended but this may work out just as well." The dark helmet in his hand moved the slightest degree, shifting his focus to his original target. "You there, Crimson Mazoku. One week from now your Crusader will die." A tear-filled gasp burst from her throat, the shame and guilt as clear as glass. "Your precious ally shall tremble in fear of her inescapable demise, and it is all your fault." A whimper. "If you wish to see her well again you will come to my castle." With a casual maneuvering of the reins his steed turned in place and began trotting its way down the road, his final words echoing in the uncharacteristic chill of morning air. "But don't take too long, her time is limited after all."

A sword-tip was buried in the earth with all the strength our weakened Crusader could muster, body trembling as she forced herself upright. "A- A- Are you saying that..." She took a moment to catch her breath, Megumin desperately holding onto one arm in an attempt to support the taller woman. "That in order to have the curse lifted I must go to your castle and do whatever you wish?!" Even though I heard it myself I didn't believe it, but against all common sense I turned to level an incredulous stare at the young woman and saw the proof. Blushing, flushed cheeks. Needful, heavy breathing. And an excited, too-wide smile on her statuesque face.

"No."

Using her sword as a crutch Darkness managed to lever herself upright, staring eagerly towards the undead general who had halted his steed at the Crusader's unexpected question. "I will not surrender to a mere curse but..." Wanton, eager eyes looked to me for either approval or acknowledgement. "What should I do, Johnathan?" The sheer desire in her gaze would have been enough to evoke a response in any straight man but right now was not the time or place.

"Stop it."

Unheeding, she turned back to the Dullahan who appeared not just put off but startled by her behaviour. "Look at those filthy eyes hidden beneath his helmet, ever since he came he's been undressing me with them." She stopped to let out a series of heaving breaths too soft to be called moans. "Surely, surely he hopes to drag me back to his castle and commit unspeakable acts upon my unsoiled body!" Drawn in by her delusions, Axel's female adventurers looked at our enemy with undisguised fear and disgust. The dullahan may be our enemy but he didn't deserve to be slandered like that, at least not without proof.

"Darkness, no."

Verdia was even less prepared to deal with this than I was and stuttered before insisting that he had no such plans but the masochist was too far gone to notice. "Telling me to shut up and obey as he slakes his unholy lust... I don't want to go, really..." Pushing herself off her sword, Darkness began to stride eagerly forward. "Very well, you may have control of my body, but you will never touch my heart." Before she could travel more than a few feet I decided to put an end to this... whatever this was.

With a suffering sigh I sheathed my sword and followed the crusader, catching up in several short steps and before she knew what was happening Darkness was on the ground with my knee in her back. Blue eyes looked up at me in excited confusion as her addled mind attempted to make sense of what had happened. "Johnathan, what are you thinking? Both of you at once is too much." I ignored her and focused on what was more important, namely the immensely powerful and still very present undead knight who had been watching us in confusion. "Your message has been received loud and clear, please just go back to your castle and wait." Attempting to regain his earlier dignity, the general hoisted his reins and awkwardly turned away. "R-Right, well I gave my ultimatum so I will be expecting you in the coming week. If you can defeat my undead soldiers and reach me I shall lift the curse." As his headless horse broke into a canter ferrying its rider away Darkness let out a piteous whine, but I'd rather see her disappointed and with us than forcing herself on some innocent monster. Innocent of sadism at least.

As I watched the armoured figure ride into the plains I finally let out a sigh of relief. Somehow, against all sense we had survived, no thanks to these bloody idiots. I looked down at the figure underneath me, still staring in the direction the dullahan had taken in frustrated disappointment. I brought my hand to the back of her head and gave her a good, hard rap eliciting a squeal. "What the hell were you thinking, do you want to die that badly!?" Not waiting for her to respond I pushed myself off her body hard enough to force a breath out, making sure to put my full weight on my knee for a second before I stood. "And you!" Megumin jumped as my glare landed on her, guilt-ridden crimson eyes opening wide as I continued my tirade. "When someone that bloody powerful gives you a way to end it without fighting, you don't make up some bullshit to egg them on!" Claiming she has to cast Explosion once a day, I'd expect something that stupid to come out of Aqua, not her.

If she had a response to my words she kept it to herself, instead silently and without a single grandiose action or comment Megumin began walking down the dirt path heading South. I reached out as she passed and placed a hand on a slender shoulder. "Where do you think you're going?" The Archwizard, right now looking more like the young girl she was than ever before refused to look up and instead gazed forward in a thousand-yard stare. "You're right." I paused but didn't release my grip, waiting for her to speak. "It's my fault that Darkness... that this happened, so I'll go make it right." With her head turned down the wide bring of her hat was almost enough to hide her face, but not quite, I could still see those stark red eyes brimming with emotion. That alone would have been enough to give me pause but Megumin's soft yet determined voice struck a chord with a much stronger tone.

I was glad that she had enough integrity to atone for her mistakes but making another stupid decision to fix the first one wouldn't help anyone, before I could tell her no however a dulcet, cultured voice spoke up. "I will go with you." Darkness seemed to have regained enough of her strength to stand unaided, but even if she were at one hundred percent the two of them wouldn't stand a chance. "I could not live with the shame if something happened to you because of my weakness. As a knight, and..." Her confidence fading, the Crusader looked away as her voice became almost too soft to hear. "A friend." I shook my head at their recklessness before turning to the last member of our party.

Ocean blue eyes were watching Megumin's brave declaration like it was her favourite soap opera, calmly but eagerly waiting for the next part. "Aqua! Please tell me you can remove this curse." The Goddess was surprisingly unbothered by our meeting with the General, not scared like I was, guilt-ridden like Megumin or... Darkness being Darkness. The Archpriest raised her hand, fingers curling as though she were gripping an invisible staff when a light began to shine in between her fingertips, the light spread outwards in two directions and to my surprise a silver scepter formed in her grasp. Almost as long as she was tall, the staff was topped with a broad, pink head like a flower ready to bloom, complete with a pair of green leaves underneath. She twirled the staff in her hands with the speed and control of a gold medal gymnast and spoke three words with the power to shatter fate.

"Sacred break spell!"

Darkness was covered in a sudden glow, a bright rainbow of colourful, multi-hued light shining from every inch of the young woman like it was her own aura on display. From the centre of her back a small blot of sickly, dark purple was expelled, the almost-liquid mass writhed futilely against the purifying light but lacked the strength to remain latched to its host. In seconds the parasitic energy had gone from being the size of a dinner plate, to a baseball, and then it was no more, undone by the power of a goddess. As the glow of holy magic faded the Crusader groaned with the relief of a burden removed, and then startled as she realized to her dismay that not only was the pain gone but she no longer had any reason to go on a suicide mission. The Archwizard was similarly put out by her selfless devotion and impassioned speech, as brief as it was, being made redundant.

Oblivious to the conflicting emotions of her teammates Aqua flashed her fingers in a 'V' of victory and proudly asked how impressed we were as Megumin and Darkness stood dumbstruck. "Thank you Aqua. Since you two somehow forgot, we do have a bloody Archpriest, of course she would be able to do something." I knew things were going wrong when Aqua was the second-smartest person in the group.

A cheer erupted from the gates, Axel's adventurers and our unwitting audience roared their euphoria at the fact that we had all survived, as I looked at our peers cheering for my party I wondered if they would still be cheering in a week when the dullahan returned. Aqua was eagerly soaking up the praise being heaped on her for the outstanding use of her guild-given abilities. Megumin and Darkness remained by my side, their earlier determination having been rendered meaningless by Aqua's last-minute save. I decided not to rain on her parade.

It was a harrowing thought, realizing just how lucky we had been, if it wasn't for Aqua we'd be right up the proverbial creek without a paddle. But there was no guarantee we'd get off so easily next time. That dullahan, General Verdia hadn't even come here to fight, if he had none of us would have been strong enough to stop him and by the time the goddess arrived... that was something I didn't want to picture.

A crimson-eyed wizard, a noblewoman knight and a goddess with more power than sense, if I'm going to whip these three into shape it's going to be a rough week for all of us.


	7. C7 - Dumbest Dungeon

_Dumbest Dungeon_

* * *

The rest of the day after the dullahan left was spent mostly in the guild hall as our compatriots celebrated our survival. Aqua was in her element but I made little effort to join them, instead my mind was filled with concern for the days ahead. I admit I didn't know for a fact that the general would return in a week, he never specifically said so, but my gut told me that we would have to deal with him again soon. So while the beer and wine flowed freely I sat with my glass of water and worried.

As Aqua frolicked about the building, laughing, singing and waving her fans about I fretted.

As Megumin huddled into her bench, still so unsettled by Darkness' avoided fate she had not begged for a sip of alcohol even once I anticipated.

As Darkness tried to reassure the Archwizard that she was hale and hearty I made my decision and stood up, drawing their attention as I excused myself to speak with Luna, if anyone could help or at least point me in the right direction it had to be her.

I stepped around a small puddle of ale left by an adventurer with sandy blonde hair as he tried fruitlessly to argue a replacement out of the person who had supposedly bumped into him whilst sitting down, past the same duo arm-wrestling as two weeks ago if memory serves and in between two tables of separate parties loudly proclaiming what the 'shoulda, coulda, woulda' done to the dullahan if they had the chance, to meet the guild's senior staff member. As usual she sat at her counter, an island of calm in this wild land we call the guild hall amidst the storm of booze and testosterone.

She straightened at my approach, professional mask in place as she asked if I needed help with anything. "I'm sorry." Blue eyes blinked in surprise at my words, lips curved into a small 'o' and for a second I wondered when was the last time an adventurer had apologised to the woman but there were more important matters at hand. "I need information and you're my best bet, can I bother you for a while?"

* * *

The next morning I woke before the rooster could finish his early-morning cry and set to waking my companions. Aqua was the hardest to rouse, after several gentle shakes and soft words failed I skipped a few levels and went straight to the classic 'splash of water on the face' method. She smiled absently, still half asleep and rolled over, not bothered in the slightest by the water that soaked her hair, clothes or blanket. I shouldn't have been surprised, the others may not believe her but she is still the goddess of water after all.

Eventually all four of us were up and ready for the day with varying levels of readiness, I lead my team to the marketplace for a breakfast on the go and then a few more stops to pick up extra food and a few other bits and bobs. I had learned everything I felt necessary from Luna yesterday, including the location of a few stores that sold things necessary for a travelling adventurer.

The girls knew something was up after I insisted on each of them carrying their share of the load, Megumin was the first to speak up when I told her to pick out a satchel or pack to use. "Johno, why do I need this? How far away is this quest we're going on?" She looked quite out of her depth, scrawny arms poking out the sides of a rugged leather backpack wider than she was. "We're not going on a quest." Without giving them a chance to ask I continued, taking some amusement in their confusion. "We're headed to a place called 'Keele's Dungeon', it's a day and a half travel each way so first off I want us to have everything we might need." Aqua coughed a word that sounded suspiciously like 'prepper', she was ignored.

Upon hearing the name of our target Megumin's attitude did a complete one-eighty. "'Keele'? As in the legendary Archwizard Keele, who fought off an entire country?" According to local legend, centuries ago a powerful wizard betrayed his kingdom, kidnapped the princess and fled the nation. The king in his fury declared the man an enemy of the state and put a massive bounty on his head, enough that despite the wizard's reputation mercenaries came from all over to hunt the criminal alongside the knights and soldiers whose duty it was to see him face justice.

They failed.

This lone Archwizard despite being outnumbered by the thousands, driven from his home and chased all across the continent managed to not only survive but built a refuge, an impenetrable dungeon that thwarted all attempts to conquer it. Not only then but has continued to do so to this day, because even though his story has been told for many years the wizard's final resting place has never been found.

Maybe we would have better luck but I wouldn't count on it.

* * *

It was a pleasant day outside Axel. The sky was clear, the road was dry and the gentle sunlight warmed my skin and raised my spirits. It was only the incessant whining from one member of my party that brought the mood down.

"Your vitality's higher than mine, how can you be tired already?"

Aqua pulled on the straps of her backpack, moaning about the monumental discomfort from being forced to walk on her own two legs. "But we've been walking for hours!" Sweat dripped down her features at an exaggerated pace, I assumed it was due to her nature as a goddess because there is no way someone whose physical stats were that high could be that out of shape. "And we'll be walking the rest of the day too, so stop wasting oxygen."

It would be convenient if we could reach all our mission targets in a day or less but the nation of Belzerg isn't that small. Since this was the first time we had travelled more than a few hours from Axel we needed some new equipment. Leather satchels were only the beginning - oilskins, thick blankets, lightweight ropes, pots and pans plus a few other sundries. I'm sure we'd figure out what else we need while on the road but for now it was enough to keep us dry, warm and fed. We can pick up anything we forgot next time.

Eventually - but not soon enough for Aqua's liking, I called a halt so the girls could have a break. Darkness still had plenty of energy but Aqua and Megumin needed a rest badly, the goddess was soaked in sweat from head to toe and the wizard was hunched so deeply under the weight of her pack she had the shape of an old lady. With a pair of relieved groans they dropped to the ground and removed their burdens, one immediately opened her pack and began rifling through it to the sound of glass while the other tried to massage some life back into her abused shoulders.

"Aqua, what the hell is that?" The goddess looked up at me, lips wrapped around the rim of a bottle that I definitely did not put in her bag and took several more swigs before gracing me with an answer. "Wine." Then resumed guzzling, slightly quicker at my disapproving stare. "Did you buy that with the money I gave you?" Not even breaking contact with the glass she nodded, crystalline liquid disappearing rapidly as her throat bobbed up and down. "The money you said was for 'necessities'?" The last volume gurgled down the slender neck of the bottle before she finally separated, a smack of the lips and a relieved gasp at her relief at finally being able to refuel. She licked her bare lips for any remaining trace of alcohol even as she reached inside her bag for another bottle. "Of course." Judging from the rattle there were several more where that came from. I took a breath and clenched my teeth before deciding no, not this time. "God dammit Aqua!" The blue haired young woman startled and dropped her second bottle on the ground, the valuable contents splashing onto the dry soil, compacted by generations of traffic to near-cement hardness. "What!? What did I do?" Then with a desperate cry attempted to save what she could of the wine.

The only reason I gave her that money when she still owes me a hundred grand is because when she said necessities in that impatient, 'you should already know this' tone I assumed she was talking about toiletries, the kind men get laughed at by their mates for buying. But no, apparently in Aqua's mind booze is so important that... who am I kidding, it's Aqua, of course she'd do this. I shook my head and turned away, refusing to let myself get angry. "I'm putting that on your loan, and next time you buy grog with my money I'm gonna drink the lot right in front of you."

I ignored her indignant squawk and focused my attention on my other two teammates, wisely they had decided to eat proper food rather than a liquid lunch and were both tucking in to the sandwiches we bought this morning. "Darkness, once you're done eating take Megumin's bedroll and add it to your pack. Until then rest up, we've got half an hour." The blonde woman nodded, mouth full of half-chewed bread and toppings as our younger teammate let out a sigh of relief.

After lunch we spent the rest of the afternoon moving, by the time we had only an hour of sunlight left I decided to set up camp.

* * *

It is quite inconvenient, being the only one in a party who knows how to fight.

Darkness as a noble, should be educated enough to recall historical battles and how her ancestors survived the violent events that forged the kingdom. Instead she ignored the lessons of the past and recklessly threw herself at the enemy in the hope that she would be overwhelmed, defeated and made into a plaything.

Megumin on paper, is the second-smartest member of our little quartet. Despite this she subscribes to what is apparently the Crimson Mazoku school of warfare which consists of making grandiose, overly dramatic speeches before obliterating the enemy with overwhelming firepower.

Aqua once fell in the river because she was chasing a bird that stole a berry from her plate.

Thus it was my responsibility to teach these three the basics of combat. I wasn't expecting miracles, especially in a week, but I hoped that the threat of Axel being destroyed would encourage them in their training. Maybe I'm just an optimist.

I wish I could accurately describe Darkness' ability with a sword but the best I can come up with is 'abysmal'. Her aptitude for the art of swordfighting could best be compared to an unco-ordinated four year old playing tee-ball for the first time. She knew which part of the sword to hold and understood the concept of 'stick them with the pointy end', but had significant trouble putting it into practice. "Again." I watched as Darkness readied her blade and swung at her opponent, in this case a tree which employed the briliant tactic of remaining almost completely motionless as the deadly steel carved through a space in the air several inches shy of the vulnerable flora. A rising slash ruffled the wings of a mosquito that had buzzed too close, several horizontal slashes were delivered with all the grace of an old sitcom wife wielding a broom against a cockroach and finally a thrust that a one-armed geriatric with Parkinson's could be proud of.

I couldn't help but feel that the tree was mocking us with its unscathed form.

With a sound almost identical to that of a shovel cutting through topsoil the tip of a two-handed broadsword that any blue-painted Scotsman would have been proud to carry into battle was planted in the earth. Its wielder was panting and drenched in sweat but her stance was strong and eyes alert. "Darkness, do you own a shield?" She slapped a hand to her heaving chest, she was far from exhausted but we had been at this long enough to put a dent in her impressive stamina. "Of course not, it is my honour to place my body on the line to protect my allies!" In other words, using a shield to absorb any damage would mean she would be denied the pain she loved so much. "Buy a shield." She opened her mouth and I shut her down before she could speak. "No arguments!" Her jaw clicked shut and I fought the urge to facepalm as her eyes sparkled with excitement. How the hell am I supposed to chastise someone who gets off on being treated like dirt.

Since the sun had almost completely set I decided that was enough and looked to see how the other two had gone in setting up camp, Darkness and I had organised our bedrolls and canvas flys in a few minutes while our less fit teammates had immediately dropped their packs and all but collapsed the second I called stop. Megumin had done adequately in setting up her tent and even had a fire going under a pot of meat and vegetables, Aqua on the other hand was resting her head on her pack, an empty bottle of mead at her side and the priest handbook I had given her to read covering the top half of her face as she snored. Typical.

Bugger it, it's late, I can work on her tomorrow.

* * *

After a cold breakfast we packed up the campsite and quickly headed off, the dungeon was supposed to be a day and a half's walk from Axel so after setting a decent pace that inevitably slowed down after a few hours we eventually reached it just before dusk. I was a little worried that Megumin might fall behind but she did well despite her obvious lack of regular exercise, the girl may be as thin as bamboo but she's a tenacious little thing. If we were still alive next week I decided we should all start training together, a bit of exercise should do them well.

Keele's Dungeon was well known throughout Axel and the nation but finally seeing it firsthand was not as awe inspiring as I had expected. Built into the side of a mountain the stones that had once stood strong and proud were crumbling, the paint long since faded and flaking away and the symbols and effigies that graced the entrance to its depths were weathered and stripped of anything of value by those who came before us. Despite all of this however it was still impressive, I wondered how a man on the run from an entire nation could possibly have the time or resources to build this. Magic, probably. A few golems to do the heavy lifting, earth spells to produce the stones... I don't think there's such a spell as 'Create Dungeon', that's a bit too much even for a fantasy world.

In the brief amount of daylight we had left I resumed training Darkness, Aqua I had quizzed on tactics as we walked, with predictably disappointing results. Half her answers were 'defeat them with my godly powers' and the other half were claims that fighting was my responsibility as her knight or Darkness' as the Crusader. So once again and with strict instructions that she was not allowed a sip of alcohol before she finished I ordered Aqua to read her goddamn pamphlet and try to understand just what a Priest's role in the party was. I swear, it's like playing Dungeons and Dragons with a boxer who's taken too many blows to the head. _'I punch the initiative'._ Sure you do, buddy.

I hadn't brought much more than the essentials so for today's training I would need to do a tiny bit of woodwork. I gathered two branches of sufficient length and width and began trimming them of twigs and leaves with a short one-sided knife I had bought off Fred before we left, a tool instead of a weapon rather than risk damaging my folding knife. "What are you doing?" Darkness had briefly investigated the dungeon's facade and soon returned wearing a rather somber expression. To answer I threw her the stick I had completed. "We're going to spar, get ready." Her face lit up and eagerly she began removing her armour, despite the fact that I said nothing about that. I decided it wasn't worth mentioning.

Yesterday I had tested Darkness' offensive capabilities, today we were going to work on defence so after telling her to block everything she could I readied my weapon and began my assault.

What followed was simultaneously the best workout I've had since I came to this world and possibly the most enlightening, although Darkness couldn't hit a mountain if she were three feet from it she was surprisingly adept at blocking. It was far from perfect, she wasn't very quick and more than a few times I had to tell her to focus when she was getting a little too excited over the hits she had received but as a shield she was passable.

Both of us were sweating, as I raised my stick for an overhead strike Darkness brought her own up in defence, I brought it down once, twice, and on the third blow my weapon snapped to the sound of splintering wood. With a dull thwack the broken end bounced off the top of Darkness' head, still attached by a few strands of frayed timber. "Shit, you okay?"

With a heady grin my opponent assured me that she was well, to my relief but regardless it was time to call it quits, to her disappointment. "I can still fight, let us continue for a while longer." Wordlessly I held up the broken end of my weapon and dangled it in front of her, Darkness pouted more cutely than I thought she was capable of and finally lowered her stick. As I watched her pant in a mixture of exhaustion, pain and pleasure I thought it was a shame, if she was half as good with a sword as she was durable she'd actually make a decent fighter. "We have been marching all day you know, you've earned a rest." The errant Crusader made a small mewl of disappointment as I returned to our campsite.

Although calling it a 'campsite' was a bit too generous, seeing as the other half of our team had barely moved since we arrived. Megumin was slumped against her pack, the shoulder straps the only reason she was still upright and legs straight out in front as her head lolled tiredly. I took her bedroll from Darkness' pack and unrolled it next to her, gently easing the young girl out of her uncomfortable position before laying her down. Aqua had divested herself of her pack at some point and was scratching in the bare dirt with a stick, the priest booklet laying at her side forgotten or ignored. I was ready to give her an earful when I got a good look at what she had created.

I have seen art before, from paintings in galleries to sculptures in the street, murals on the sides of buildings and even sandcastles that would make Leonardo himself drop his brushes. Somehow, Aqua scratching in the dirt for half an hour surpassed them all. With nothing more than depth and shape she had created a patchwork sky of roiling clouds and a vibrant forest through which meandered a tranquil stream and next to it frolicked a pack of animals. Cat-rabbits? Rabbit-cats? Whatever they were they were resting, playing, drinking and swimming in the water passing through their land with a joy and frivolity that was clear in every line drawn.

"Bloody hell."

At the sound of my voice Aqua jumped and before I could stop her dragged her drawing implement over the drawing in panic, destroying it before quickly snatching up the small booklet and pretending to read. "Why'd you do that, that was brilliant!" The goddess vehemently denied doing anything wrong, she had been reading quietly this entire time! I just shook my head and decided to start dinner with a sigh.

Arranged seemingly randomly around the dungeon stood a collection of wooden totems, each one identical in its depiction of a bird of prey atop a boar atop a large cat. It was the first time I had seen anything like it in this world, though I did remember there was a pamphlet for the Witch Doctor class back in the guild. I took a break from eating as I turned to our resident religious expert. "Hey Aqua, do these totems mean anything?" A few of them had fallen over but I wasn't desperate or stupid enough to think throwing one on the fire was in any way a good idea.

Aqua paused in scraping her bowl of stew with the last crust of bread before taking a look around the clearing, casting her divine eyes over the objects, she turned back and shrugged. "Probably the work of some evil cult." That was a much shorter answer than I had expected. "Why do you say that?" Finally putting her empty bowl aside she placed a slender hand over her chest and spoke in a poor fool's impression of a regal tone. "Obviously those willing to worship any god besides the beautiful Aqua are heretics of the highest order."

Which of course started another argument with Darkness.

* * *

I awoke with a start, my heart pounding and mind addled in confusion, wondering what the hell woke me up, if it was a nightmare I had already forgotten it. And why was my head pounding? After a few seconds of laying in my bed like a confused burrito I heard something out of place, past the sounds of my teammates sleeping I could hear a clattering, jostling mess of noise coming from where the dungeon loomed. Realisation hit like a thunderbolt as I threw off my blankets and reached for my sword, calling out to my teammates as I focused mana in my left hand.

"WAKE UP, WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!"

A fireball blasted through the gloom, briefly illuminating a path that ended as it splashed against a shambling figure wearing ruined armour. Undead, a few dozen of them at least. The sudden flare ruined what night vision I had and I fought the urge to blink away dots of light as I cast again just so I could see what I was aiming at.

Darkness was up in seconds, her yellow tabard standing out almost as brightly as her golden hair in the darkness as she beheld our enemies. "Johnathan, allow me! Not one of them will get past even if they-" "Shut up and fight!" I interrupted, there is a time for speeches and being ambushed by enemies sure as hell isn't it. With an exuberant cry the Crusader charged at the small horde of undead, unintentionally shoulder charging one and tripping over its legs as she tumbled to a stop in the middle of the shambling army. Undeterred, in fact I think she was even more excited, Darkness brought her sword across in a mighty swing and surprisingly managed to shatter three of them into piles of rusted armour, bones and rotted flesh. "I-I hit them? Johnathan, I hit them!" She was so shocked by her own success that she called out to me rather than continue fighting, but to my confusion the monsters completely ignored the fresh meal standing amongst them and continued in my direction without a hint of self-preservation or concern for the enemy in their midst.

It was a surprise, but even Darkness couldn't miss when she was completely surrounded. "Great, now keep swinging!" The sheer joy and excitement she was giving off almost made being woken up worth it as with reckless abandon Darkness continued laying into the undead that huddled around her like waves around a stone, the cacophony of steel and bone acting as the last alarm of our smallest member. Megumin stuck her head out of her tent, eyepatch askew, to see what on earth was going on, when she saw what we were up against she quickly ducked back in before bursting out with her staff in hand, loudly declaring that only cowards attack under cover of night.

"You think the darkness is your ally but I was born in it, moulded by it. I did not see the sun until I was already a woman!"

I cast another pair of fireballs as the zombies drew closer, the laughter and ringing of steel on steel letting me know that Darkness was still going. "No explosions, just wake Aqua up!" The Archwizard pouted at me for a moment but turned to obey, the dim glow of her eyes moved towards Aqua's tent from which snoring could still be heard.

One minute later the undead were completely dead, their souls purified and sent on by a twin of the magic circle Aqua had conjured back in Axel's cemetery. Megumin began feeding more wood to the fire as Darkness picked her way through what remained of our enemies, mostly footprints and the odd rusted weapon because for some strange reason the Turn Undead spell seems to atomize its targets leaving naught but a final haunting cry that sounded like 'Ho-eh'. Magic is weird.

Finally with a chance to catch our breath Darkness lowered her sword and I rested against a fallen totem as Aqua waited for more praise and Megumin, after taking one last wary look at the dungeon's dark interior started to brew another pot of tea. "Good work, all of you." Aqua preened as Darkness gave a small smile and offered a hand to help me up.

Back at the fire I retrieved the notice we had taken from the board describing Keele's Dungeon, attempting to read in the meagre light. Nowhere did it warn about the chance of a horde of monsters waiting for your arrival and at the base of the page sat the single skull stamp that was supposed to mean this would be an easy task, next to it was a sprig of leaves in green ink - a symbol of the ingredients that can be gathered and right there on the bottom left-most corner was a clearly printed 'Level 3'. "How the hell is this a beginner dungeon?!" A goddamn flood of undead before we even set foot in there. A normal party of rookies would have been forced to flee, if they had been caught inside they would have been torn apart.

Movies may make it look easy but one man just can't fight a mob, numbers always win. But then why did those undead ignore Darkness even though she was right among to them and head towards us? My eyes tracked over the others, an Archwizard and an Archpriest, could it be they were drawn to magical power over physical attributes? Maybe, virus zombies in games will eat whatever they can get their hands on but magically risen ones seem to focus on either the closest or the one with more aggro.

Dammit there I go again, trying to apply game logic to the real world.

But on that topic Darkness had pulled out her adventurer's card and was looking it over excitedly before proudly declaring that she had leveled up. "Great, now put some points into swordsmanship." Some of the excitement left her at that, blue eyes stared imploringly as she tried to have her way. "But I finally have enough points for Decoy." I shrugged, we were about to enter an enclosed space, if she wanted to be a bulwark all the Crusader had to do was stand in a doorway and nothing could get past her. "So learn it next time."

Darkness being true to her nature did not want to learn how to wield a sword when she could be the centre of attention for every violent best in eyesight. "Don't tell me you actually enjoy being a total unco." Blue eyes blinked in confusion at the unfamiliar term. "'Unco'?" Inwardly I grimaced as she awkwardly repeated the word, silently cursing the fact that untranslatable words came out in English as the bounty poster was refolded and returned to a pocket on my left leg. I was about to explain the meaning before Aqua interrupted.

"It wouldn't help anyway, undead hunt by sensing life force so skills like Decoy or Hide don't work on them."

Sometimes, just rarely, Aqua actually manages to come up with a pearl of wisdom, this was one of those times. Both for helping convince Darkness to learn an offensive skill and for letting me know that Hide has a weakness.

"And if that's not a good enough reason I'm making it an order."

After a while we managed to settle down, the adrenaline as well as the post-combat stress had faded to the point we were willing to go back to sleep but before anyone could move to their bedrolls I gave my orders. My first instinct had been for myself or Darkness to take the first shift but then I realised that I have no idea how to tell time at night - luckily I still carried my watch, inside my bag where it was relatively safe. I decided Aqua would take the first shift, then me and finally Darkness. It was the only way I could set my alarm to equal shifts without having to explain what kind of magic device I had that could tell time so accurately.

I wish I could say I was lucky that they have twenty-four hour days here but I'm sure that's just part of someone's grand design.

Yesterday I neglected to have any of us stay awake, believing it would be safe enough near Axel and with my Danger Sense, but now that we had already been attacked once I wasn't taking chances. "Aqua, you've got first watch. After three hours I'll relieve you and then Darkness can take over for me." She grumbled a little but accepted when I pointed out that not only was she the best suited if more undead showed up it also meant she could stay up and enjoy her wine the goddess quickly changed her tune. "But if I wake up and you're passed out drunk there'll be consequences, got it?" The goddess waved dismissively at my threat, assuring me that she had a very high alcohol tolerance and would be fine. I was not filled with confidence.

"Wha-what kind of consequences?!" Unexpected but not unsurprisingly Darkness forced her way into the conversation, her body wound tight as a spring as she leaned towards me, her imagination racing at the mere mention of punishment. "What kind of cruel and terrible things will you do to us, tell me!" Nope, not going to bed with that on my mind again. I bid the girls good night and ignored further calls for details as I climbed into bed and set my watch before I could let myself drift to sleep.

"Was that a bird?"

* * *

In the morning I allowed the girls to sleep in, we all needed it after that battle. Aqua was still awake when I woke for my shift, though quite sloshed and stumbled to her bedroll before complaining that it was cold and crawled over to mine, seeking the residual body heat. I let her be. When it was time for Darkness to take over I took the goddess' unoccupied bedding for my own rather than copy her behaviour and be forced to listen to Darkness asking what I intended to do in her bed. Having to deal with both that and her smell would surely have had me alert in a very unwanted manner. When the morning sun began creeping into my eyes the Crusader was still awake and aware, watching for threats.

I stretched, arms and head poking out one end of the blankets while my sock-covered feet escaped the other before a yawn cracked my jaw. "Morning." Darkness was already facing me, her focus drawn by the noise I was making. "Good morning." She returned the greeting with a smile before returning her attention to the lurking presence of the dungeon. After ducking into the bushes for a few minutes it was time to start breakfast.

Megumin was roused easily enough, the clattering of cookware had the young wizard rubbing sleep out of her eyes. As I watched and waited for the billy to boil Aqua was still snoring away, I decided if she hadn't woken up by the time breakfast was ready I would wake her myself. Darkness meanwhile was still gazing at the dungeon eagerly. The bacon I had preserved with a cast of Freeze was sizzling on the hotplate whilst Megumin was retying the bindings that normally covered her right leg.

I held my tongue for a while but eventually had to ask. "What's with the bandages?" Crimson eyes peered at me in the morning sun, a look of challenge on her pale features. "Do you have a problem with the way I dress?" I shook my head and took a moment to flip a few crispy rashers of salted pork. At least I think it was pork. "Not really, I just don't get the appeal. Or fashion in general." Trends and brand names were never really that important to me, I was satisfied as long as my clothes were comfortable and not covered in oversized logos. Megumin muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'I noticed'.

Having finished reapplying her leg's coverings the Archwizard stood, taking up her staff before striking a pose. "A Crimson Mazoku must always garb themselves appropriately!" I looked her up and down - oversized wizard's hat, eyepatch, wide belt that rested on her slender waist and carried nothing, red dress that hung off her frame making her look like a little girl wearing one of mummy's shirts, cloak with yellow trim, fingerless gloves and a single black stocking twinned with clean bandages leading to leather boots. "And 'appropriately' would mean...?" The staff was raised aloft, garnet manatite catching the sun's rays to glow a misty red. "Coolness!" I shook my head, a half grin on my lips as I checked the bacon before letting it cook further. My teammate continued on. "Red and black are the coolest colours obviously, but small details and additions are what truly set the Crimson Mazoku apart as masters of style."

Darkness was giving the young girl an unsettled look as she espoused the superiority of her clan's supposed fashion sense. "And not to mention the benefit of asymmetry. Perfectly matching after all is perfectly ordinary, the differences are what make an outfit!" I decided not to encourage her. "If you say so."

The pot was boiling away nicely, I was just about to pour myself a cuppa when I heard the words that all men dread. "You could use a new wardrobe yourself, Johno." I froze, before very slowly turning to face the Archwizard like a teen in a horror movie who just realised he wasn't alone in the room. "When we get back you should let me choose some things for you to wear." Darkness' attention was fully focused on the two of us now, the labyrinth's presence almost completely forgotten as a voice spoke close enough to make me jump. "And you should buy us some stuff while you're at it."

Aqua was sitting next to me, somehow she had not only woken up, but brushed her hair, smoothed her outfit and snatched every single piece of bacon that had been cooking without making a sound or me being any the wiser. "Oi, that's for everyone!" The plate, dripping with grease and flavour was pulled away defensively. "I did the most work yesterday, I deserve a reward!" I reached out and grabbed one corner of the enamelled steel, attempting to save at least some of it from the greedy goddess. "Actually, Darkness and I held them back while you were sleeping, if you think you could do better on your own why don't I throw you in the dungeon right now?!"

* * *

After descending an ungodly amount of stairs we finally reached the main level of Keele's Dungeon, in fact it seemed to be the only level. If I hadn't received a map of the dungeon from the guild I would have been surprised, years of gaming had taught me that any dungeon worth its loot had at least three or five levels. And adventures that were nothing but dungeons had fifteen or more. Thankfully we're not facing off against the Lord of Terror here, just a bunch of low-level demons and undead.

The first monster we fought in the dungeon was a single gremlin, a low level demon common in dungeons or places where dark rituals have been held. We were over halfway down the stairs when it attacked, attracted by the sound of our descent but thanks to the noise made by its own reckless ferocity as well as my gift it was greeted with a quick cast of Create Water and Freeze then finished off with a blade to the back after it cracked its skull on the stairs. Sometimes the best way to fight is not to fight at all.

However the truth of this world was that the most efficient way to level up was to kill monsters. And occasionally eat them. Even the relatively normal vegetables of this land give experience when consumed, like the flying cabbages or those annoying carrot sticks that dart around the plate when you reach for them. The victory of finally catching the little buggers only adds to the pleasure of eating them. I don't think anyone in our party was desperate enough to try eating undead or demons so our only option was to slay them, which is easier said than done. Especially when you have an overzealous goddess of water in your party who has a 'shoot first, ask questions never' policy when it comes to her racial enemies.

"Aqua, would you kindly leave some monsters for the rest of us?"

Buoyed by her success last night Aqua had been wiping out enemies by the dozens ever since we made it down here, with liberal use of Turn Undead, Exorcism and God Blow. Is this really the same goddess who runs from giant frogs?

"You're not suggesting that a Goddess leave undead alone are you?" I shook my head. "Of course not, but I want Megumin and Darkness to get some leveling done too." While I didn't want to complain since things were going so easily the fact is that if Aqua's the only one getting kills then the rest of us would be lucky to level up at all. Aqua wasn't happy but agreed to let her teammates get their turn, for a while at least and cast a few buffs at my instruction.

It took a little thought but eventually I had decided we would traverse the dungeon in diamond formation with myself at the front and Darkness at the back with Aqua and Megumin in the middle. Keeping our two casters out of danger was a no-brainer, the tricky part was figuring out who should take point. Do I take the rearguard so my danger sense can warn us if something is coming from behind or take point so I can alert the group of any ambushes or traps ahead. Even though the dungeon was well-travelled - as proven by the map - I decided my place was at the front, where a leader belongs. So far it had served us well enough, even though the numbers we were facing were close to what had to deal with last night we made it through the first several rooms practically unscathed.

My only complaint would be that my left arm was starting to get a little tired from carrying the torch. After the horde last night I tried to save using too much mana so instead of using Tinder to see in the gloom I carried a lit torch in my left hand. It also helped my teammates keep their hands free but my arm wasn't used to being held up for so long, there was no way I could carry the damned thing all day like this. My sword could at least be sheathed but I had no way to store a lit torch, a headlamp would be pretty useful about now but obviously I didn't have one so I decided to get creative, maybe with a little MacGuyvering...

The latest collection of undead and other monsters had been dealt with quickly, by Aqua for the former and myself with Darkness' help for the latter. The few that I managed to incapacitate or immobilise without killing were left for Megumin to finish off, to my surprise she was quite keen on it, claiming that back in her home village it was common practice for her teachers to use this method so their students could farm experience safely. From amongst the corpses I picked out a rusted spear, most likely taken from some fallen adventurer, its haft was still solid despite its obvious lack of care.

The head was steel and leaf-shaped but that wasn't what I was after, a blade made of wind split the wooden shaft cleanly to leave me with a five foot length to work with. I asked Darkness to move closer so I could see clearer in her own torchlight as I rummaged through my pack for one of the few items from home I managed to bring with me. In a few short minutes I was done, the base of the former spear nestled comfortably in my left hand as I rested the shaft against my shoulder, its greater length having raised the flaming end of oil-soaked cloth safely above my head.

The girls looked curiously at the staff/torch I had created, Megumin's crimson gaze was focused on the silver strips that held it together. "Johno, what is that?" I tapped a finger against the bindings, simple but effective and solid enough to last for days of use. "Duct tape, it's a nifty little thing from my homeland used for quick patch jobs when you don't have the time or tools for a proper fix."

The torchlight cast uneven shadows on the walls that warped and shifted as it flickered and moved in my grip, in the back Darkness carried her own, leaving Aqua and Megumin to rely on us for a source of light. Aqua claimed that she could see perfectly whether it was day or pitch black but even if that was true it was no help to us mere mortals.

After eliminating the latest group of monsters Megumin and I were picking through the remains for anything valuable with little luck, apart from the barely serviceable dagger we found earlier that I had told her to put on her belt there has been nothing worth taking except to melt down for scrap. No gold, jewellery or a single gem, once again videogames have lied to me but on the bright side this mob was finally enough for Darkness to level up again and learn Decoy. It might not be much use down here but it would serve us well later so I allowed it.

Gradually we moved from one side of the dungeon to the other, the continual harassment of monsters petered out as we cleared room by room and hall by hall until finally we found ourselves alone for the first time in hours. As the others turned around to leave the dead end we found ourselves in I paused, a suspicion taking root.

"Hang on, my gamer's intuition is acting up."

An empty hallway that leads nowhere? The first rule of dungeon delving in any RPG is 'explore everywhere'. Every nook and cranny, every branch and offshoot, because it's a guarantee that you'll find something down there, even if it's just a few more gold coins or a weak healing potion. This wasn't the first dead end we've found today but the others all had a purpose - some were littered with empty, rotted barrels or crates, others were stocked with ancient weapon racks that held the odd rusted blade.

If I had stopped to think I may have realised this place resembled a typical game dungeon a little too well.

I brought the torch closer to the wall, inspecting... there, revealed in the flickering light were three stone bricks protruding from the wall only slightly and on each of them a stylised picture of a small plant with bright yellow eyes and a thick, tubular nose. "Eureka." Three bricks, three identical pictures, the solution was obvious to any fan of the Zelda franchise. I pushed the middle brick inwards, it clicked into place and stayed there with almost no sound. "Johno, what are you doing there?" I didn't bother to turn around as I answered. "I think there's a secret passage here." The brick on the right slid in just as easily as our Archwizard examined the paper I had given her after declaring her our official navigator for this mission. "There isn't any passage on the map." The left brick slotted into place with a solid click as I spoke, smug amusement filling my tone. "That's what makes it secret."

With a heavy grinding noise the wall began to move, the entire facing of bricks slowly lifted with the dull roar of stone on stone. What I wasn't expecting was for my sixth sense to suddenly flare up as dozens of figures immediately began crawling under the still moving portal and were followed by many more behind them. I backed away using the long torch like a spear, burning the face of the zombie closest to me as Darkness rushed to assist and cursed the fact that I had sheathed my sword, foolishly believing we were safe for the moment.

There were too many for Darkness or I to hold back, even if they were willing to focus on us but just like in every other battle today they had attempted to walk past us like we were furniture. The Crusader didn't have any useful crowd control skills and neither did I, I didn't even have time to cast intermediate magic anyway with how overwhelmed we were. I unleashed a basic torrent of flames into the face of an emaciated corpse before kicking it into its kin. "Aqua!" I had intended to order her to make a firehose, a high-pressure attack that would knock this horde head over heel but before I could I heard two words I had grown quite familiar with as a blue glow lit up the dungeon.

"Turn undead!"

Once again we were left alone, our enemies turned to motes of light that quickly faded with a haunting cry. "Thanks Aqua." I gave the goddess an quick smile and a nod before turning to my fellow frontliner. "You okay, Darkness?" To her disappointment she was, the undead's single-minded behaviour was probably the only reason besides Aqua's overwhelming power that we weren't already inside something's belly. Or more likely many different somethings.

"I'm fine too!" The insistent statement came from our third member, her crimson eyes glowing like candles in the dark as she pouted, did she think I was ignoring her? "I should hope so," I responded, better to placate her than stir the pot right now. "We're not much use without our heavy artillery." She didn't smile, but the irritation on her face lessened considerably.

"So ladies," I asked, returning my attention to the dark and silent hallway that had been hiding a couple score of undead. "Any idea where we are?" Megumin re-examined the map in Darkness' torchlight, poring over the text and geometric lines. "We've gone off the map, it's definitely a secret area." The map that the guild provided us with was detailed and well made, but where we were now was completely absent so it was the only logical conclusion. "Does that mean what I think it does?" Aqua was suddenly looking a lot more excited than she had been all day, standing beside me and gazing eagerly into the gloom. "Dunno, what do you think it means?" Her eyes sparkled like opals as she grabbed me by the shoulders tight enough that I felt the pressure through the leather armour. "If no one's been here before that means there's treasure!"

She was right to be excited, the material rewards from this undertaking had been next to nothing so far, the only thing of value was a sack of alchemical reagents carried by Megumin - an assortment of leaves, roots and fungus that were used in low level potions. All recognised and gathered by the Archwizard, I would have to ask later if she'd studied herbology. Herbalism? One of those.

"Maybe, but don't get ahead of yourself. We're in uncharted waters here."

Resuming the diamond formation we continued onwards, our torches banishing the darkness of this new passage before I was forced to halt, a curse on my lips. "Bloody brilliant, more stairs." The walls were also decorated with massive stone skulls, but the stairs were far more annoying.

Our descent to the second level of the dungeon didn't go quite as smoothly as the first, instead of a single gremlin charging up the incline there was another small horde of zombies, monsters and lesser demons that met us just as we had spied the end of our path. We weren't making much noise, maybe some idle chatter so the obvious reason we kept getting attacked was the undead had sensed our lifeforce and the other creatures had followed out of curiosity or because they knew that when the undead moved it meant prey or enemies were nearby.

At the bottom of the stairs we found a corpse, unlike the others we had seen so far this one didn't try to kill us and was instead content to lay on the floor like it didn't even pay rent. "Looks like we're not the first ones to make it this far." Aqua walked ahead of me and knelt next to the skeletal figure still wearing the armour that failed to save its life. "Aqua?" My sixth sense was silent for the moment so I wasn't worried about this being a trap but she had an uncharacteristic look on her face. It took me a minute to realise it was compassion.

A soft blue glow covered the still figure as my Archpriest held out a hand and spoke with a voice softer and kinder than I could recall her using in the past month. "Oh, lost soul who died with unfulfilled ambitions." The glow increased in intensity without growing in size as motes of light began to drift upwards from the remains. "Go and rest in peace." Like myself, Megumin and Darkness were silenced by the vision of grace and skill that Aqua had become since coming down here, I wished that she could act like this all the time. "Okay, now let's find that treasure!" Alas, some things are not meant to be.

The lower level of the dungeon was different than the first. It may have been made from the same stone and there were still quite a few monsters to deal with but there was a significant difference that changed the entire feel of the dungeon.

It was furniture.

Unlike the upper level which was mostly empty apart from barrels, crates and weapon racks this one was clearly made to be lived in. The first room we found actually had a wooden door instead of an open archway and inside it resembled one of the rooms to rent in the guild hall with wooden chairs, a table and bedframe coated in several decades' worth of dust. Aqua and Megumin looked for anything useful or valuable while Darkness and I kept watch but there was nothing but ancient clothes that were probably in fashion centuries ago. I was surprised they lasted so long.

"John, how do I look?" I turned around to see Aqua wearing a pale blue dress with lace around the hem and cuffs just a shade darker than her hair, it hung almost to the ground and had a modest neckline revealing just the slightest glimpse of cleavage. "Great, grab it and let's keep moving." Megumin chose this time to interrupt and demand that she be allowed to try on some clothing too. "Fine, if you want something take it but you're the ones who'll have to carry it."

Taking property from the dead didn't bother me as much as I had assumed it would, maybe I'm not as nice a guy as I thought but this was standard behaviour for adventurers in every source of media since forever so we would continue it. With any luck I'd find a magic weapon or gold armour. Unlikely, but a man could dream.

My thoughts were interrupted when a mess of cloth was dumped on my shoulder, I shook it off and looked to see Aqua and Megumin looking at me expectantly. "What?" The goddess put her hands on her hips and spoke like she was reprimanding an unruly servant. "You don't expect us to carry these do you?" Next to her the Archwizard was clutching her own smaller pile, only a few pieces of clothing in her arms. In response I kicked the now dirtied bundle back towards her, it flew in an unsteady arch and lost a couple pieces before landing in a heap at Aqua's feet. "Yes, I'm pretty sure I said not two minutes ago that you can carry your own crap. Now if you don't want these just leave them on the floor and let's go."

It was a while before she stopped complaining, and only then because she was distracted by a piece of art in another of these hotel-like rooms.

"It's wonderful!" The paint was cracked and faded with age, there wasn't much moisture down here but time moving on was a force all of its own, despite this the frame was in decent condition and coated in what seemed to be gold leaf. However that was not what gained Aqua's praise, what the Archpriest was focused on was the subject matter, in this case a rather talented artist's depiction of the Goddess of Water carrying a porcelain jug from which flowed a pure stream of her natural element. "Not the best likeness." I commented, aside from the fact the portrait was of a woman in her twenties or thirties instead of Aqua's teenage appearance the nose was a bit off and cheeks were too narrow but it was a good painting nonetheless, I would've recognised it without being told. "What do you mean?" I pointed out what I thought were flaws in the artist's work and Aqua waved my comments off. "Well of course it is hard for mortals to capture perfection but never mind that, help me get it down."

I stood there and watched as the goddess dragged a stool over to the wall to aid in her attempt at art theft as Darkness and Megumin gave the Archpriest a pair of concerned looks. "And how the hell are you going to carry that?" The bloody painting was five feet tall and three across! You can't just slip that in a backpack.

To Aqua's dismay we were forced to leave the painting behind, Darkness' comment about taking pretending to be a goddess too far started another argument that lasted until the next attack. And so our expedition continued.

Another unoccupied room, another scratch of chalk on the wall pointing to the way out. While I was doing that Aqua and Megumin had already started opening drawers and scanning bookshelves respectively while Darkness stood in the doorway keeping watch. I had hoped since that some of the books would have been useful but unfortunately every single one so far had been illegible, not because of bad handwriting but somehow the ink seemed to have dissolved the paper it was written on. Finding nothing more valuable than a couple of empty wine bottles we moved on to the next room.

The next room seemed the same as the last at first glance but there was one important difference tucked away in the corner. "Look, look, a treasure chest!" Aqua cried out, pointing at a wooden box no higher than my knees painted red and bound with brass strips, a pristine steel latch holding it closed. Like a kid in a lolly shop Aqua tried to run ahead forcing me to grab her arm to stop the reckless woman. "What are you doing, I saw it first!"

My sixth sense was going off. "Hold on a second." I looked around the room, the wooden drawers, bookshelf and table were all ancient and coated in dust but somehow that chest looked brand new. "It's a trap." Finally the goddess stopped trying to pull away, I called Darkness forward and gently pushed Aqua behind myself, telling the two casters to keep an eye out. A quick conference with Darkness didn't yield much, she hadn't seen traps in dungeons before but had heard stories of everything from mechanisms that would drop a man into a spiked pit to magic items that would teleport an entire party into an unwinnable scenario.

The safest thing to do would be to just leave, write a warning on the wall for whoever comes here after us and inform the guild about the new area and specifically mention the trapped room. I didn't do that, instead I took a step towards the chest and then another one, the divine gift growing louder each time. Curiosity killed the cat but I'm sure it had to get quite close to do so, so after backing the entire group to the other wide of the room I picked up a piece of rubble the size of a golf ball and let fly.

I don't know what I was expecting, but for the walls and floor to suddenly sprout giant teeth and try to bite the hell out of a non-existent adventurer who fell for the trap sure as hell wasn't it. I'm just glad I'm not the only one who shouted, though I will admit my exclamation was a bit harsher than the girls'. After several seconds of violent chewing the teeth receded back to where they had come from, leaving unassuming stone and a pristine treasure chest.

Aqua had attached herself to my back like a mollusc, trembling at the monstrosity we had witnessed. "What in My divine name was that?!" Megumin was clutching her staff like a lifeline, pale faced and staring in disgust at what had just happened but managed to answer. "I-In school they taught us about monsters that can be found in dungeons," She swallowed uneasily before continuing. "They said to be especially wary of dungeon mimics. Sometimes they even pretend to be human to prey on other monsters." Talk about a dog-eat-dog world, anything that let its guard down would be easy prey for those lance-like teeth, I doubted even steel armour would be enough protection so how do we kill it without putting ourselves at risk or wasting excessive mana?

"Darkness, go into the previous room and grab one of those empty bottles and a book." She looked confused but didn't question as she left and quickly returned with the items while I dug through my pack for the lantern oil I had bought at Luna's recommendation. "I have them, Johnathan." Thanking the Crusader I took the items and emptied most of the remaining oil into the glass bottle before stuffing the opening with pages torn from the book and rolled up as tight as I could get. "Are you making a firebomb?" I nodded. "Yup, but we call them 'Molotov Cocktails' where I'm from." After making sure the others were out of the line of fire I lit the wick from one of the torches and once again let fly.

The bottle failed to break. I knew the glass was thick but I really didn't expect it to survive being launched several metres to land on stone, or mimic pretending to be stone at least. But before anyone could make a sound the teeth once again came out, chewing and crushing anything that draws near so with the sound of breaking glass the monster suddenly had a mouthful of fire, orange tongues licking at its insides as it screamed in agony.

It took a few minutes of screaming but eventually the dungeon grew silent, the stench of burnt wood and meat hung in the room like an unwanted guest as we saw the mimic's true form. It was unnatural, from its shape which didn't resemble any living creature outside a horror film, chunks of wood and stone jutted out at odd angles like it had been caught outside in a cyclone; crimson, skinless flesh like it had been flayed alive and teeth nearly as long as my arm. The worst part of all is it was still moving.

A disjointed arm flopped onto the stone floor, scratching weakly in our direction as too many burnt, lidless eyes stared blindly while parts of its body expanded and contracted like five different sets of lungs trying to breathe. This was too awful to watch so I raised my left hand and channelled a lightning spell. The monster spasmed wildly, scratching gouges in the stone with its teeth, breaking already misshapen limbs against the floor and wall before finally becoming still. The buzzing in the back of my head at last fell silent.

"Well, that was the most god-awful thing I've ever seen." The others agreed so we left that room quickly and continued exploring, finding many more empty rooms and ruined halls but thankfully nothing as terrible as a mimic.

"Souls that wander in this dark, cold dungeon. You may now rest in peace."

Alight with a divine aura and serenely banishing the restless undead, I didn't want to give her a big head but Aqua was more God-like today than I had ever seen. With her now covering the rear it allowed Darkness and I to fight together, halting the tide of monsters that relentlessly tried to get past only to fall to steel and magic. Letting Megumin finish off the wounded under Darkness' protection I took stock of the situation.

We had been down here almost all day according to a quick glance at my watch which was then stuffed back down away from prying eyes, we had stopped to eat a meal of bread, cheese and jerky a couple times and water was no issue with Aqua and I here but the attacks had been so constant I wasn't willing to spend the night, if we don't find the end of this dungeon soon I was going to have to call it quits, especially since we were almost out of oil for the torches.

The hallway we were in now was the widest so far, there was enough space for our entire party to walk side by side twice and filled with nothing but dozens of identical arches and stone pillars no higher than my waist topped with a heavy stone orb before finally terminating where Megumin and Darkness were. The biggest thing out of place there was a space a couple metres across where the stone floor tiles had been pulled away leaving a wide patch of soil, I ignored that and wondered if the short pillars were banisters that had the rope or wood rot away after centuries when a pair of blue boots walked to a stop right next to me. I stood up and offered a drink to the hardworking goddess. "Don't know how we would have survived without you here." After taking several gulps of her element Aqua was glowing with pride. "Don't hold back, you can praise me even more you know." I just chuckled and took my water bottle back. "Maybe later."

I called out to the two that had finished picking through the monsters Darkness and I had fought and were now pretending to be busy going over their equipment, Megumin hadn't hit a single monster with her staff so I doubted it needed that close an inspection. "Oi, you ready to go?" I was ready to leave this dead end since it had no obvious puzzle like the one that led us down here but Aqua suddenly called out. "Wait, I can still smell undead nearby."

Like a two-legged bloodhound the goddess stalked forward, nose twitching as she tried to locate out her enemy. Did she really just say 'smell'? I wondered if that was a Priest ability as I subtly raised my head and took a good whiff. Nothing but soil, stale air, long-dead bodies and sweat, I really needed a shower once this is over. Aqua moved from the right corner of the hallway's end to the left then returned to the centre of the blank wall, sniffing with her head down and pleated skirt riding dangerously high.

"Anything?"

Aqua turned around looking mildly frustrated. "I definitely smell something but I don't know where." She leaned back against the wall as Megumin responded, asking if she wasn't just sensing remnants from the undead that were already slain but before the goddess could deny it the wall right behind her lit up with a glow that could be nothing but magic. "Look out!" I dashed forward, catching her arm as she fell and preventing Aqua from cracking her head on the floor, with my other hand on the wall I pulled her back through the narrow portal that had opened as an ancient and coarse voice called out from the darkness.

"Is there a priest out there?"

The person speaking was so dry and rough they sounded like if Liam Neeson spent two years in a desert with nothing but whiskey and cigarettes but there was an undeniable strength in his voice, like he had survived everything the world had to throw at him and grown so powerful that life itself was tiresome. At the far end of the still room two torches suddenly burst into flame, casting away the darkness and revealed the one who spoke. In a solid chair of dark wood upholstered with what may once have been red fabric sat a horribly emaciated figure, if it wasn't for the unholy light spilling from its eyes it would have been mistaken for an ordinary corpse. To the figure's left was a queen-sized bed upon which lay another still figure, this one draped in embroidered white cloth that despite its condition was of the highest quality. To his right sat a small dressing table, its top covered in an assortment of items that even a century's dust could not hide the shine of gold and gemstone encrusted jewellery including several actual gold bars; a trio of silver goblets; a short, curved dagger with an elaborate sheath and a helmet so gaudy it may actually be a crown.

Before I could answer his question there was an arm wearing wearing a white sleeve trimmed in blue and gold pointing past me to the centre of the dark room.

"Lich!"

Oh shit, again. Aqua and Darkness tried to rush into the room at the same time only to get stuck in the narrow doorway, each trying to push their way past the other which gave the dungeon's inhabitant enough time to introduce himself. The rich purple hood he wore trembled slightly as he spoke, the twin horns on top - a style I had never seen before - dancing in unison.

"My name is Keele, the Archwizard who built this dungeon after abducting a noble's daughter." That matched up with what Megumin had said before we left, but finding out the man had become a lich was an unwelcome surprise.

But not to Megumin, who somehow managed to dodge my attempt to grab her cloak, push both Aqua and Darkness into the room and stood over her two fallen teammates to stare at the lich with her eyes glowing in excitement. "Are you really Keele? The Keele responsible for over half of the spells used by Archwizards today? I'm your biggest fan!"

It turned out the undead wizard wasn't in any rush to attack us despite the fact that we had scoured his dungeon and gone through his belongings as he chuckled in amusement, a dry, dusty sound like cracking leather before responding to the youngster's enthusiasm.

"Well, I don't know how things are out there after so long asleep but I was rewarded quite handsomely by the king, that's why I ended up fleeing you know?" With each word his voice got more energetic, like an introvert drawn into a conversation about something they enjoy. Before Megumin or anyone else could ask the truth behind his legend he continued on, reminiscing the past.

"I remember it like it was only a hundred years ago, I had been called to the castle to receive a reward from the King in service of the kingdom, that old fatty always had that stupid-looking beard. I looked him right in the eyes and said the only reward I want is for the one I love to be free and happy." He barked out a laugh as desiccated skin moved into a rictus grin. "He didn't like that so I just grabbed her and took off! She was so impressed that when I proposed she accepted immediately." With a heavy jangle the thick gold chain around his neck moved as he turned to his left, gesturing to the large bed and the white-coated figure on it. "That's her by the way."

Aqua had been trying to continue her work since Keele started speaking but Darkness and I held her back, wanting to listen to the dead man's tale. Megumin had seemingly forgotten we existed and interrupted the lich to ask a question. "What about Explosion, where did you get the idea for that?"

The decayed figure placed a hand on his chin thoughtfully, a skinless finger tapping a soft rhythm of bone on bone. "Ah, I see you're a Wizard girly, well I'll tell you but before that..." With a soft crack his head turned towards the three of us, I felt Darkness tense beside me but chose to trust the silence that told me I was not in danger. "I have a favour to ask. Will you please purify me? I can sense you have the power to do so."

With the lich's permission to end his existence Darkness and I let our teammate go, she used a piece of chalk I had brought to mark the way in the dungeon to begin drawing a magic circle on the floor of Keele's chamber as he spoke about the history of magic with Megumin. After what felt like twenty minutes of listening to jargon that mostly went over my head I joined Darkness where she had been standing next to the bed, she was staring at the skeleton of Keele's beloved with a melancholic expression.

"Darkness?"

Startled, apparently she hadn't noticed me approach, Darkness let out a cute little 'eep' before turning to face me. "It is nothing, I was just thinking." I hummed as I looked closer at the princess' remains. That clothing really did look expensive, it had to cost more than a normal person would spend on clothes in a year. "She was lucky, don't you think?" Blue eyes gazed at the carefully tended body of the woman on the bed, her hands clasped on her chest as if in prayer. "To find someone who loved her so much he would set her free from her gilded cage."

If I had any doubts about Darkness' pedigree, that would have removed them. I racked my brain for something supportive to say but before I could think of anything we were joined by Keele himself. "Doesn't she have the most beautiful clavicle?" Startled again, Darkness took a large step away from me. Not that we were that close, but I suppose nobles have different ideas of social etiquitte.

The Lich was kneeling at his wife's bedside, tracing a fingertip down her cheekbone. "She was a lucky woman to have you, Keele." Then I took a gamble on my next words. "Every Zelda needs her Link." Lifeless fingers stopped in their worship of his beloved's form, a pair of hollow eye sockets staring at me with an unearthly glow and deathly serious focus.

Keele hummed, a long, drawn out sound that rattled his ribcage with flakes of dried skin before he turned to Darkness. "Young lady, would you go help your young friend for a moment? I gave her permission to go through my tomes but she may have trouble reaching some." Giving a curious look to me I nodded my assent and she left us to talk in private. He was right, Megumin was using her staff like a hook to drag down books off the top of Keele's bookshelf on the other side of the room. Aqua continued drawing her magic circle, humming an almost familiar tune and seemingly oblivious to the meeting of two souls she had personally delivered to this world.

"So, you were sent here as well." I nodded. "Not nearly as long ago as you I'd wager, but yeah." With a dusty sigh Keele cupped his chin in thought, bony fingers stopping just before his throat like he was scratching an invisible beard. "I suppose there are a thousand questions I should ask, or maybe that you have for me but that doesn't really matter now." Bringing both hands up to his chest, for the first time I noticed there was a gold band on his left ring finger. Taking the precious item in his right hand he pulled and was rewarded with the sound of a sharp, dry crack. "Whoops."

After removing his finger from inside the gold ring he placed it back on his hand, giving it a wriggle to make sure it still worked before offering me his right hand. "Take it." I looked at the small object, shaped like a snake biting its own tail with a single eye staring outwards. How could he trust a stranger with something so important? "Are you sure?" Keele pushed his hand closer, motioning for me to take the gift. "Of course, it's not a wedding ring. They didn't do that back in the old kingdom, it's my gifted item. A storage ring."

A storage ring? I remembered reading a story or two that used that kind of item, storage rings and bags of holding were common tropes that often used the old 'It's bigger on the inside' or 'hammerspace' reasoning to explain the ability to store so much in such a small package. I could not afford to turn this down. "Thank you, I promise to take good care of it." Keele nodded, the ghost of a grin on his emaciated features. "See that you do. But be careful opening it, I don't remember everything I put in there." Understandable, the life of an undead must be a long and lonely one but as I thought that something else came to mind.

"Do you know how long you slept for?" The lich turned his head, the cracking of dry vertebrae sounded off like popcorn in the stale air of the dungeon. "Oh, a few centuries at least. If I hadn't sensed Lady Aqua's presence I probably would have slept until I turned to dust." Not the end I think most would hope for, but at least it should be painless.

"It's done!" In unison four heads turned to look at the goddess as she rose from a crouch, giving her creation a final once-over before nodding in satisfaction. As Keele knelt by his beloved's bedside, hands clasped one last time the Goddess of Water raised her hands, offering a final prayer to the damned as the room began to glow with divine light.

When she had been purifying undead in the dungeon Aqua's behaviour had gone from fearful, to wrathful, to downright belligerent. Now however there was not a trace of arrogance or pride in her divine features, instead she gazed at the fallen wizard in a way I could only describe as 'saintly'. "You who forsake the laws of the gods and became a lich under your own power. Archwizard Keele, in the name of Aqua, goddess of water your sins are hereby forgiven." As I silently wished that she could always be this diligent and respectful Keele's head bowed in gratitude. "Thank you, Lady Aqua." Not finished she continued her blessings as the undead's extremities began to glow in reaction to her magic.

"When you awaken you will find yourself before a goddess named Eris with unnaturally large breasts." What the hell? "If you wish to be reunited with your wife and are unconcerned by age, form or social status ask her and you will surely be reunited." I watched as the undead spoke his final words of gratitude before Aqua finished her last rites. "Sacred Turn Undead." As the light began to fade I wiped under my eyes with a finger. Nope, false alarm, just dust, and it was very bright in here just now.

Keele and his wife were gone, their forms undone by Aqua's magic leaving a well-decorated but aged and empty room at the bottom of a cold, dark dungeon. "Right, let's head back."

After we left the final room the door that had been hidden remained open but since there was no longer anything valuable or important in there I suppose it didn't matter. Megumin had claimed not just a few books but Keele's entire library, unlike the ruined tomes we had found so far these were still in good condition thanks to an enchantment to repel insects and preserve organic matter that had been imbued in the bookcase. Aqua, after behaving like a paragon of divinity had bundled up every gold or jewel-encrusted item she could get her hands on into her shawl and was now carrying it over her back like a burglar with a sack full of loot. Darkness on the other hand had been content with the memory of Keele and followed with a distant, distracted look on her face. I tactfully decided not to ask.

It wasn't until minutes later that I realised I had made a huge mistake. "Bugger, I should've asked if he had any skills I could learn!"

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry this took so long, originally I wanted to have a couple chapters that were basically a training montage of the party's attempts to get ready for the Dullahan's return but then I remembered videogame rules - if you want to level up, grind. With the monsters in hiding their only option was to head to a dungeon where monsters can be found all year round so I moved Keele forward in the story by about ten or so chapters.**

 **Coming up next: A lake, a would-be hero and probably an explosion or two. Unless I change my mind again.**


End file.
